Tag: Health Issues

Christian Faith and OCD Episode 233 

Carrie: Welcome, OCD warriors, to the Christian Faith and OCD podcast, where we are all about reducing shame and stigma of struggling with OCD as a Christian, sharing hopeful stories and replacing uncertainty with faith as you develop practical tools for greater peace.

I’m Carrie Bock, Christ follower, wife, mom, and licensed professional counselor in Tennessee. I pray you are blessed by today’s episode. Welcome back, everyone, to our personal story summer series. Today, we have a special guest. Whitney Paige is an author. She is a graphic designer and an outdoor enthusiast.

She is here to talk about her book, By His Stripes: Navigating Life With Mental And Physical Suffering. I have it right here. Whitney just found out that she has been honored as the Georgia Independent Author of the Year in twenty twenty-six. Congratulations. That’s exciting.

Whitney: And thank you so much for having me.

Carrie: Yeah. And you’re also an advocate with the International OCD Foundation. Is that correct?

Whitney: Yes. And I’m on the OCD Georgia board as well.

Carrie: Oh, awesome. Why did you decide to write a book about your experience, this navigation of mental and physical suffering?

Whitney: Yeah. I kinda just wrote the book that I wish I had when I was in the deep pit.

I really longed to hear from somebody that experienced something that I was experiencing. I genuinely thought I was the only one going through what I was going through with such torment. So a really simple goal, I wrote this book just to help one person feel less alone, then it would be worth it. It was a hard process, but sharing my story was a way to offer hope and give, like, a purpose to my pain.

Carrie: Yeah. That’s huge. You talk in your book about, like, the physical health struggles that you were dealing with, IBS. You also had some chronic pain issues that– that were very intense. Like, how did those two things play off of each other, like, the physical health affecting the mental health and the mental health affecting the physical health?

Whitney: That’s a great question. I feel like it’s kind of like an endless loop a little bit.

Carrie: Yeah. I

Whitney: also happen to have both physical and mental health challenges that connect the brain gut. I really feel like that significant connection, and I feel like I’m kind of a brick wall sometimes because my OCD, anxiety and depression, that often worsens my stomach pain, my fatigue.

I often found that when I’m in a OCD spiral or a depressive episode being super fatigued, that it really is a struggle to fight the OCD and fight depression and just because you’re just so mentally fatigued that you just don’t have anything. You can’t really recall all your toolboxes that you have and all that kind of stuff.

And that’s, again, why I’m thankful for my book ’cause I have a physical resource I could look back on when I’m having those episodes. But it makes it hard to manage the symptoms when you’re super fatigued and you have all All these health issues, and I think that it’s very challenging to determine what is causing what, and that’s a hole that I know now not to go down because I wanna figure it out, and I wanna know, is it my physical symptoms that are acting up, or is it my mental symptoms that are acting up?

But really, I’ve had to kind of lay that down and surrender and just not try to find any of the answers, just move forward anyway.

Carrie: What kind of OCD themes have you struggled with?

Whitney: That’s a long list. But I will say, kinda sums it up, and most of my OCD is invisible, and I’ll talk about that. Really, a lot of mental compulsions on a lot of various topics.

Scrupulosity is one main one, attacks my faith. Just constantly analyzing how I feel, if I’m not saved, not being right with the Lord. That’s kind of a big one. Another one is my brain anticipates and replays, like, violent accidents or events that haven’t happened, but I think that they are gonna happen to my loved ones.

Often, that’s referred to as harm OCD. I have kind of another one that I really deal with a lot, but I don’t really talk about it a lot, is existential OCD. It’s really like I’m just trapped in my brain about just distressing questions about what’s the meaning of life, what’s the meaning of this existence, kind of thing like that.

And then health OCD is really a big one for me. I think it might have come from all the things that I’ve dealt with, but again, I can’t go down that road and figure that out. But I do know that I struggled with a lot of health issues in the past, and I do have that consumed fear of when every symptom hits or what if this headache is a brain tumor, or what if the doctor’s missing something, or just kind of constant kinda health stuff for me.

Carrie: I can see how that would be easy to go down based on your own personal experience, where the doctors would run these tests and they’re like, “Ugh, I don’t know,” like, “I don’t know what’s wrong with you,” or, “Well, you’re having this symptom, but that’s really rare,” or something like that, or, “It’s not seen in people your age,” that type of stuff.

Tell us, kinda like tie that in a little bit to the zebra theme behind your book. So your book has a zebra on it. Tell us a little bit about that. I enjoyed that piece of the process.

Whitney: Awesome. Thank you. The zebra. I’m not gonna share everything ’cause you gotta read the book. Throughout my book, I kinda relate my story to a zebra.

Each chapter, I kinda bring it back to the zebra’s experience and bringing it back to what I experience and how they’re similar. At the end of the book, I kinda describe why zebras are so important to me and how they’ve kind of shaped my life. I literally– like, the Lord gave me By His Stripes as a title, and one of my dear friends, we were sitting, just talking about a book and just thinking, “Oh, my gosh, I can’t believe God told me to write a book.

This is big.” And we were just sitting and dreaming about it. The zebra, by his stripes, like, we just connected stripes with zebra and- It was kind of a moment like I’ll never forget. We were just like, “I don’t know what the cover’s gonna look like, but I know it’s gonna have a zebra.”

Carrie: Yeah.

Whitney: Yeah. So that was pretty cool.

Carrie: That’s awesome. It’s a nice way, I think, for different stories to come together and for people to kinda see, have a theme there. I wanted to talk with you about this quote from your book, and you brought this up kind of a little bit earlier. You alluded to it, but you said, “Take it from someone who has tried focusing on everything but God in a storm.

I often entertain thoughts focused on figuring out where the storm came from, how it got here, why it was here, where it’s going- What I will lose, how bad it will be, and these unanswered questions are like pouring gasoline on the fire. How have you seen, like, this trying to figure out all these things to be either harmful or at least not helpful to you or others that are on that OCD recovery journey?

I see this a lot.

Whitney: All the unanswered questions and uncertainty is just … It’s a big weight, especially with having OCD and having that just need for that certainty. I know everybody has kind of that in their daily walk, and I’ve just kinda come to what I have to choose what I focus on. And if I focus on the storm, that’s all I see, and I get even deeper into the storm.

I had to s- again, surrender just the act of, like, trying to figure everything out. Instead of that, I’ve kind of leaned more on an act of trust, and I quote in my book, I say, “I don’t have to understand what He is doing because I know what He has already done.”

Carrie: Yeah. That’s good.

Whitney: That quote seems like I have certainty, right?

But in reality, it’s not. It’s just trust. I’m trusting in my faith. You know, faith is about trust, not certainty. So I have to kinda remind myself that all the time, and to not listen to OCD and compare what OCD is telling me to the word of God, and build my life off that truth because God is the only one not changing.

My OCD, my feelings, my anxiety, my situations, everything is changing. And so I can stand on the foundation that doesn’t ever change, and that’s why I always have something to kind of combat the lies with truth. And every time I do that, I feel like being vulnerable, part of me, is another hard thing. It also develops greater resilience and just courage to, “Okay, I did that, and I can get through the next thing.”

It helps me in a way to kind of remember that.

Carrie: I think some Christians with OCD have a really hard time, like, trusting in the goodness of God. Did that come up for you, especially in the midst of suffering? It’s like, “I’m going through this really intense suffering. I wouldn’t wish this on anybody. It’s just really hard to deal with.

I don’t ever know what kind of recovery process I’m gonna be able to get to. Am I ever gonna be able to be in some kind of remission from this?” So there’s all these types of questions. I don’t know. Talk with us about that. Did you wrestle with, “Hey, God’s dumped a lot on my plate. It doesn’t feel like He’s good”?

Whitney: Yes, that’s a great question and a great point. And I’ve struggled with that a lot. That’s actually kinda one of my main struggles, is because I thought that all the pain I was experiencing, I thought God was punishing me because I was a bad Christian. And I kind of somehow down the road connected my pain to my relationship with Him because I never felt right.

Like, I never felt right with the Lord. I never felt like our relationship was okay. No matter what I did or how many times I prayed, how many times I read the Bible, how many times I’ve worshiped, I had that feeling. And so I struggled finding a good church all my life, and I’ve so thankfully found a church local.

It’s been such a blessing to me, and I was in a church service one time, and I still had this belief that God was punishing me. They preached very simple gospel in how, like, when sin entered the world, that wasn’t God’s original plan. God’s original plan was to be in basically paradise with us and to be fellowship with us.

But we had to go and change the rules and the plan by sinning, and I think that my brain just kind of, like, a light bulb went off of, like, that wasn’t his intention. But because that happened, that’s just new story, but the goodness of his graciousness in– like, comes into play of, like, me thinking, “Okay, well, he doesn’t really owe me anything.”

I mean, he’s already done everything for me, and he rewrote that story by dying on the cross for me and saving me. And so I’m kind of in this, like, waiting period right now that I am saved, but I’m still living in this sinful world, and that’s why trial there. It’s not anything that I did or that he’s doing to me.

I’ve had to kinda rewrite that story in saying that the only reason trials exist is because we live in a fallen world, to remind myself that he did not intend it to be that way. But he’s so good that he literally is with me through the trials and in the trials, and he gives me strength to get through them.

I mean, how is that… Like, that’s just the definition of a good God. He doesn’t leave you. He just gives you the strength to get through. I think a big thing in my journey is I’ve kind of come across, like, the saying, “Do the opposite.” Because I will say that nothing my OCD tells me is gonna be good, and I have just kind of come across this thing of, like, just do the opposite of what my OCD says.

It’s usually the opposite of what truth says as well, so it kinda works in that realm. And also, I really believe that there’s an active enemy trying to steal, kill, and destroy us, and I think that the enemy’s not gonna have anything to say as well. Once I realized that God was not punishing me, our relationship began to, like, change slowly and be able to trust Him a little bit more.

And every time that I come across, like, a roadblock, I– “Listen, we’re gonna do the opposite, and we’re gonna move forward.” And even though I still don’t feel right with God, I haven’t ever gotten that certainty. I’m just moving forward in faith. Some days are harder than others.

Carrie: Few key points that you’ve made is, is faith requires belief in something that we can’t see.

I think that’s one point that’s really important. And so we’re leaning into that one day at a time, and we don’t have all the answers. So trying to, like, get absolute certainty is a lost cause, essentially. I love what you said about just kind of like getting involved in a healthy church community. I think that’s so great for anybody out there that needs to hear that.

I wanted to talk a little bit too about what you’re saying with, I don’t know, with OCD, and I think scrupulosity specifically. There’s a lot of lies that people believe, and it’s not as easy as like, okay, find the lie and replace it with truth. But as you’re going through treatment and understanding these processes, you do have to kinda come to examine your own theology and what you actually believe about God.

And I think that can be a missing piece in different forms of OCD therapy if you don’t have somebody to help you navigate, whether that’s a pastor, spiritual mentor, leader, counselor, whoever that person is. Would you agree with that? Like, there just there’s a lot of Christians with OCD just kind of believing a lot of lies about God or about themselves or about the world.

Whitney: Yeah, I agree with that, and I’ve been in that boat, and I’m still trying to kind of fix my view of God because I feel like that really is my foundation. If He really is the Lord of your life, do you trust Him in every area? Do you go to Him for everything, even your OCD and anxiety? I’m not gonna lie, that’s like my number one struggle is fighting that lie and fighting those beliefs and trying to rewrite in my brain that He’s a loving God.

He died for me. What explains love more than that? Just kind of just have to constantly remind myself. I’m a big truth card person. I have truth cards right here. I have them all over my house. I have scriptures written down. I have just reminders that when I’m in the pit, I also have all these things on the wall, like inspirational sayings, all that kinda stuff.

Like, just because when you’re in it, you need those reminders. That’s why I have tattoos. It’s a constant reminder. I look down at my arm, and I remember.

Carrie: Yeah. What does your tattoo remind you?

Whitney: My tattoos are all about Jesus, except for there’s one, and it’s about my dog.

Carrie: Aw.

Whitney: It’s his heartbeat. I’m working on a sleeve.

I’m pretty proud of it, and they all point to Jesus in a different part of my journey.

Carrie: It’s like your testimony written out.

Whitney: Yeah, on my arm.

Carrie: Yeah. There you go. You have several different stories in your book about times where God really came through for you. One of them was, like, about going to New York for school.

That was, like, a very hairy, scary, but, like, you did the scary hard thing. And there were other stories too about animals and different things where what you couldn’t have imagined happened, happened. God totally provided a way for different things. Like, I kinda consider them like spiritual anchors. How did that strengthen your faith kind of as you were going through that process, and did that help you build more trust in God as good and loving?

Whitney: Yes, absolutely. I still to this day repeat to myself when I have to do something hard that I did New York City. I repeat it to myself all the time. Even there’s hard days, and I– it’s hard to go to the grocery store sometimes, and I repeat, “I did New York City. I’m going to the grocery store.” But yeah, spiritual anchor is a great way to explain it.

I think that each time God answers a prayer or a blessing, I remind myself that He owes me nothing, and this is purely out of His love for me. And it really helps me strengthen and grow my relationship with Him. And I think that what baffles me is that He just continues to pour His grace and His mercy in my life, like, and everybody’s story, and it’s just kind of like His act of love, not obligation.

But, like, that’s my greatest defense against OCD, because I have somebody on my side and I have somebody that loves me, and I have somebody that has done something, died on the cross for me, that will one day take my OCD away, and that brings me a lot of hope.

Carrie: Yeah. Just thinking about heaven is like, one day this will not be a struggle anymore, or I won’t have any of these physical digestive issues.

Everything will be new bodies. We’re getting new bodies.

Whitney: I don’t know what it’s gonna look like, but I know that I will be able to eat bread … which I’m highly allergic to. I will be in no pain mentally and physically, and it gives me hope.

Carrie: Yeah. And I think that’s important for people to hold onto. We can get so focused on the here and now and forget that’s not all there is, that God has something prepared, something ahead of time for us.

That’s really beautiful, and that we get to spend eternity with Him. What else do you wanna say just to the Christian OCD community, people really… Love these personal stories, and I think they latch onto them because probably they’re having maybe similar questions or struggles or obsessions that you’ve wrestled with and dealt with.

Tell us a little bit about, like, what going through treatment has been like for you.

Whitney: Yeah, that’s a good question. I’ve been suffering from OCD in silence for 29 years, and when I finally realized it, I remember reading a book that my dear friend helped me realize I had OCD. She gave me this book, and I read it, and it literally took my breath away of, like, that I was reading myself in the book.

It was just so powerful for me. That was kind of the moment that God was like, He gave me that little vision of, like, “You’re gonna do this one day.” I laugh because of where I was at, like, but I think about that memory often and how powerful it was for me to feel not alone and not being the only one. I think that fueled me, and I really wanted to hold onto that and use that as my motivation.

The OCD community has been such a blessing for me. I’ve kind of dove in, doing a lot with the OCD Georgia board and doing a lot with IOCDF and now this book. This book is my way of sharing my testimony. It doesn’t look like a mission trip overseas or something like that, but it looks like it for me, like what God wants me to do.

And I would encourage people to ask the Lord is, like, “What do you want me to do with my story?” I think that God has a purpose for everything, and so ask Him what the purpose is for your OCD, because it might just be to bring hope to others that don’t have it and to be there for others. I kinda encourage you to ask the Lord that.

Carrie: Yeah, I think someone that was going through some immense suffering and had actually, you know, lost his daughter, he had said, “I don’t recommend people ask the question why, like, ‘Why is this happening to me? What’s going on?’ But more to ask, ‘What is God doing?’ Like, what is God going to do through this? How is He going to use this?”

Whether it’s in your life or in someone else’s life, I think that those are definitely, like, very good questions for us to ask.

Whitney: Absolutely.

Carrie: Well, is there anything else that we didn’t touch on that you wanted to talk about?

Whitney: I’m just so thankful that you to have me on this podcast, and so thankful to all the viewers.

I hope you like the book.

Carrie: Yeah, definitely. They can get a copy of that on Amazon.

Whitney: Yes, they can go to Amazon. I also have a website that have a couple more resources on whitneypageco.com.

Carrie: Okay. Yeah, we’ll put that in the show notes for people that might be listening in the car or something like that, they can check back and check out your website.

Sometimes people just wanna contact you and say hello after you’ve been on the podcast and say, “I resonated with your story.” So just know that may happen. But I’m so glad that you came on here and shared your story, and that you wrote it down for people. I mean, I think that this is just a really helpful…

I’m trying to think of that saying where something like, one day your testimony is gonna be somebody’s survival guide.

Whitney: Oh, I think I’ve heard that.

Carrie: Yeah. I feel like that’s a lot of what your book is. These are some truths that we need to remember when we’re going through some hard times, and here are some ways you can navigate some of this OCD stuff moving forward.

Whitney: Thank you for saying that. And it is for me too, ’cause honestly, I’m still in the thick of it. I’m not an expert by any means. Still going through it. I’m going back through my book that I wrote that sometimes, I’m not gonna lie, I’m like, “I wrote that?” It’s crazy how our brains can just erase what we’ve learned and what we know, and so it’s a testament for me, too.

Carrie: It’s so funny that Whitney said that about forgetting what she wrote in her book, because I know there have been times where my assistant has pulled stuff out of episodes for social media, and I’m like, “I said that on there?” So that just kinda made me chuckle a little bit. Uh, Whitney, it’s, it’s not just you.

I have that, too. I haven’t talked about this a ton. There will be more to come, but I’ve just been in this messy process of trying to outline and start writing a book that I want to write for the Christian OCD community. And I will say that going through this process, I now just have mad respect for anyone who has put a book out there into the world, because it’s quite the process, and it’s not easy.

If you’d like to get more updates from me regarding what’s happening around the podcast as well as the upcoming book, whenever that is able to be launched out into the world, please subscribe to our weekly newsletter by going to carriebock.com.

Whitney: Until next time, may you be comforted by God’s great love for you.

Christian Faith and OCD

Carrie: is a production of By the Well Counseling. Opinions given by our guests are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of myself or By the Well Counseling. This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be a substitute for seeking mental health treatment in your area.