228. A Missionary Follows the Good Shepherd: A Personal Story with Ana 

Carrie: [00:00:00] Welcome back to our personal story summer series. Today, we have with us Ana, and we’re just using her first name since she is a missionary and do the work that she’s doing. I think y’all that have been around a while can read in between the lines on that one. But she wanted to come on and share her story with us today of dealing with OCD, but also this beautiful, hopeful piece of finding Jesus as a good shepherd in the midst of making some very big life decisions, going on the mission field, getting married, lots of good things.

So that’s what we’re gonna talk about today. Thanks for being on the show, Ana.

Ana: Yeah. Thank you so much for allowing me to come and share my story and what God has done.

Carrie: Yeah. So tell us a little bit about how scrupulosity showed up for you, and then what it looks like a little bit today.

Ana: So I always struggled with fear for as long as I can remember in childhood and things, but lived a great life, great family, went to [00:01:00] church.

When I was in sixth grade, so I was around 12 years old, I noticed my anxiety and fear growing I think it was from multiple things just combined together. My older sister moved away to go to college. I was a sheltered kid who was going to public school, and sixth grade can be kind of wild, and there was some stress going on in other areas of life, and just a lot of changes.

And I was going to program at school. It was a Christian program, but they really stressed, like, sin and hell, and really focused on that area. And so I think with all of those things combined, and just hormones and all of the things, it just was a great storm to bring scrupulosity. So that’s when I started noticing just fears of Jesus leaving me, so I’d hold my hand over my heart all of the time to, like, where it would hurt, and I would just say like, “Jesus, please don’t leave me,” and I would just compulsively repent and [00:02:00] confess the Lord.

I became more isolated because I felt like I just needed to read the Bible or pray.

Carrie: Like, all the time?

Ana: Yeah, like, all the time. I used to love family, like, game days and stuff, but I remember one day being like, “I have to stay inside and read the Bible. I can’t go outside and play with my family,” and different things like that.

And I was became scared to eat because I was scared I would go into gluttony and sin against God, so I became very unhealthy. And my family obviously started noticing all of these symptoms and became worried, and they talked with different people, and then they finally found Christian counselor who knew about OCD and scrupulosity, and knew what I was going through.

And I went to counseling, and it really gave me a lot of hope. I was scared to go at first as a 12-year-old.

Carrie: Sure, yeah.

Ana: Yeah, I was scared of, like, all the stigma or whatever it may be, which looking back, it’s like, I would recommend that everyone go to counseling at some point in their life, ’cause we all have things that God wants to heal and meet us in.

And [00:03:00] so the counselor, our first meeting, he said, he took me to a verse in the Psalms, and it talked about God lifting my life out of the pit. And he’s like, “God’s gonna do that for you.” And that gave me so much hope, because in the moment, I was scared. I didn’t know what was happening with my mind. And I just knew I was different, and I was struggling with a lot of fears.

It was seven years of doing, like, cognitive behavioral therapy and just discovering more of the heart of God and His love and His grace and His mercy. And I did– I had medication for two years, which helped just ease some of the symptoms, so I could do cognitive behavioral therapy. And over time, I just saw improvements, and there were setbacks, but then more improvements, and people were– came around me and, like, prayed for me, those who were close to me in my life.

And yeah, I just saw God bring– meet me in those really hopeless and hard years through the whole seven years.

Carrie: Right. How did you make the decision to go on the [00:04:00] mission field, and what was that like? I mean, d-decisions are really hard sometimes when you have scrupulosity because you’re concerned about God’s will and what you should and shouldn’t do.

And if I take this path, that means I’m saying no to this path. So tell us a little bit about some of that processing.

Ana: Yeah. So when I was 18, I really had a greater understanding of God and His love and the gospel, and God had done so much healing in my life, and I was at a, a lot healthier place. And I was in a worship service and just clearly to myself just heard, “Go.”

And it– we were singing Oceans and A song about like pertained to that, and I just knew it was the Lord, and I wasn’t used to, like, hearing His voice or anything, but I just knew I’m supposed to go on the mission fields. I looked up trips, and I found a week-long trip to go to Haiti and first did that. And I was terrified of going on an airplane.

I was terrified of leaving my family and everything. But-

Carrie: Had you been on an airplane before that

Ana: experience? No, I had never been on an airplane. [00:05:00]

Carrie: Wow!

Ana: Very attached to my mom because of everything I was going through, so it was like leaving her for a week, and my two siblings went with me. So I went on the airplane and was terrified, but God met me there.

My brother was like, helped me through it, too. And I got to Haiti. I was terrified of storms, and we didn’t have windows, and it stormed. I was so scared, but God met me there. And it was just like the Lord so gently led me to all these things that I was fearful of but met me. And then I realized, whoa, I can actually, like, they’re not as scary as I thought.

I actually love airplanes now and stuff. So that was the beginning. And long story short, I went on different short-term mission trips. I learned about unreached people groups, and I went to college, and I prayed a lot about that. Should I go straight to the mission field or college? And through wise counsel and just prayer, felt to go to college first, and that’s where I learned about unreached people groups.

And so it was probably another like seven-year process of [00:06:00] knowing, oh, I feel called to the mission field, but I don’t know where or what it’s gonna look like. I am scared, but I know in Matthew twenty-eight, nineteen, it says, “Go and make disciples of all nations.” And so I think with the word of God just clearly saying, like, that’s God’s will is to go and make disciples wherever you are into the nation and wise counsel.

Carrie: I wanna back up for a moment because I liked what you said earlier about facing these things that I was afraid of, the airplane, the storms, and all of that, but, like, God met me in there. So I think sometimes we feel like if I’m doing God’s will, like the ocean needs to be completely calm of my life, and I don’t think that’s not what we see in examples in scripture, right?

People went through suffering or persecution. Daniel got thrown in a lion’s den. I’m sure he wasn’t just like, “Oh, yay, I get to do this,” right? People in the Bible had feelings, too. And so tell me about that tension of, like, that you’re going on this mission trip, and a part of you is like, “Yes, this is totally God.[00:07:00]

I have that assurance,” but there’s also, like, this terrified part, but at the same time, I know God’s with me. Was it a little bit like that, kind of some back and forth for you?

Ana: Yeah, for sure. Yeah, it was always like all the fears I face, I’m always like, “Oh, I can’t do it.” And the truth is we can’t do it on our own strength, but I just know that God is so real, and he meets us with his presence.

We experience those things when we step into what we’re afraid of. So I think I would have never experienced, like, God’s peace in the way I did or, like, his presence. I mean, I’m sure he would make himself aware in other situations, but, like, through stepping out into what he called me to and into the unknown and the difficult places He’s always met me in the hard things, whether that be with- through His Word or through just His presence or His peace.

And so I think in those tensions, I just felt so strongly I’m supposed to do this, and I was so terrified, and I don’t even know how I did it. I just, the Lord led me. And I remember on [00:08:00] the airplane, like, I had so much anxiety, but I remember my brother, like, holding my hand. I’m sure we prayed and stuff. And the Lord just meeting me there.

And so yeah, I think it’s the thought of, like, if I don’t do this, like, I’m gonna miss out on what God has, I guess. But-

Carrie: Yeah. It’s interesting ’cause James, I was thinking about, talks about how faith without works is dead. Like, there’s, we can say that we believe something. Like, I believe God wants me to do this, or I believe that this is the call of God on my life.

But then until we actually put our feet into it, until we actually step into it, our belief transfers into action, and that’s what I feel like faith is. It’s like, okay, I’m gonna take this step. I’m not exactly sure, like, where we’re going here, Lord. I have, like, pieces of the puzzle. So you get out of school, and I imagine maybe in college that you went on more trips during the summers or breaks or things like that, and you’re learning about unreached people groups, so there’s a puzzle piece, and then have experience [00:09:00] maybe going to a couple different countries and seeing what missionary life is like.

So God starts putting more of these pieces. And then what was the process like really of getting to where, where you are? You don’t have to go into details about where you’re at. But was there some type of confirmation that happened as you were praying, or did OCD try to come in and say, “Are you sure about that?”

Or, “How do you really know?”

Ana: Yeah. I was, like, staffing at this mission training school, and I was planning to go somewhere in Asia through different things, and then the Lord was teaching me about surrender in that season. And the Lord would ask me to do little things of surrender, like do something that, little things that would, might be uncomfortable with surrender.

And then I learned about this team. I actually went to where I’m living now with a team, and then a long-term team was being formed from that. And I kept thinking, oh, I’ll probably go to Asia. Like, my friends are on this team. I’m gonna go here. When I learned about the people group in this nation, [00:10:00] and they were 99.99% unreached, and there’s a lot of workers going to them, God started gripping my heart for them, and I met people from that people group and started gaining a heart for them.

But I still questioned, like, oh, I don’t know how to make the decision. I don’t know. Should I stay at this team or that team? And just over time, just continual prayer and learning about the nation and the team. And then there was a time in worship where I just, like, completely surrendered to the Lord. A lot happens during worship for me, but I was just surrendering to the Lord, and I just hear, I’m like, “God, I will do whatever you want.

I’ll go wherever. Like, you’re worthy.” And I just hear that nation in my head. That just all that came to mind. I was like, “That’s so weird.” So I, like, talked to some friends about it, continued to pray. Another day, going to the Lord, and I hear that nation in my head. And so I’m like, “Okay, God, if this is you…”

This story sounds crazy, but I was like, “God, if this is you, like, would you give me a vision or an image or anything?” Like, I was so scared to make the decision. I was like, “Would you confirm it?” [00:11:00] And I saw an image of this people group, and God broke my heart for them, and I heard, “Who will go?” And I said, “Okay, God, I’ll go.”

And that’s kind of when it was done. And then I talked to leaders in my life, and they felt like that’s where you’re supposed to go, and they prayed with me. My parents felt peace and said, “That’s where you’re supposed to go.” And so I think it was when I make hard decisions, I really struggle with it. But I found, like The Bible talks about going to wise counsel, and so going to people who really love God and are surrendered and have the best in mind for you, and it really helps in decision-making, I’ve found.

And going to His Word. He says, “Go to all nations,” and so I don’t think there’s a wrong nation to go tell people about Jesus to.

Carrie: So Yeah, I think that’s huge, and I resonate with that story in a weird way, ’cause I get very emotional thinking about Christians with OCD that are suffering and don’t have the resources.

And you’re saying this people group is just [00:12:00] 99% or over 99% unreached, and God utilized, like, these various things to break your heart, and there’s things that God has called us to, like the church globally, as obviously, like, going and making disciples and going to… But there are things that God will break your heart for individually, whether that’s single mothers or people in prison that are incarcerated.

I mean, like, there’s just so many different people that need the Lord and need discipleship and need the gospel, and I just think it’s so cool how God does that individually with each of us, ’cause this wasn’t, like, anything I planned on doing. I didn’t, like, get out of graduate school and be like, “Yeah, I think I’ll go work with Christians with OCD.”

Like, that was zero on the radar. And so it’s just been, like, this whole, like, gradual process of God really working in my life and leading me professionally and personally, I believe, towards this end. So I love that it’s been a process, and so, like, through that and then [00:13:00] just seeing how God spoke to you clearly at different points and then confirmed it, like you said, through people that were also praying with you and also connected to God.

Obviously, we don’t wanna just, like, get counsel from anybody, but, like, if you have those really strong believers in your life that you know are also connected with the Lord and you’re saying, “Hey, what about this?” You went on the mission field full time, and not that this always happens, it’s not a, like, prescribed formula, but God brought you a husband over there.

Ana: Yeah, one of the guys who moved over the same year, we moved with the team together. So we met in training school, and then we moved to this nation And God broke his heart for this nation. And the first year we did not date or even pursue anything. And then the second year, like three months into the second year of living here, he’s began pursuing me, and then we just got married in October.

Carrie: Wow. That’s awesome. We were like swapping stories beforehand ’cause we both got married in October, so [00:14:00] it was really fun. We’re like anniversary buddies. That of course obviously was like a gradual process of getting to know this person, and then how did God leading you to work through those doubts to make that decision to get married?

Talk to us about kind of like that good shepherd piece there.

Ana: So when we began dating, we already knew each other very closely because in mission life and team you see each other almost every day, and you’re doing teamwork together, and so we knew each other very well. And so we went on our first date and I was like, “Wow, this is like the best date, one of the best dates I’ve ever been on.

Like, this is a great sign, and he’s a great guy, has the same values, same vision for life, and loves God and is pursuing me in such a godly way, like setting healthy boundaries and like respecting me and loving me.” So there was really no like red flag to start getting anxious or anything.

Carrie: Yeah.

Ana: But like a few weeks in, then it starts moving to another [00:15:00] level of, okay, now we’re gonna like make it official and date, and I was like, said yes, but immediately I was like, “Oh my gosh, this is terrifying.

Like, how do I know if I’m in love?” And the anxiety just like came full fledge, and it wasn’t like a new experience. That’s kind of my whole dating experience in the past was the same thing, just full of anxiety, full of what ifs, full of like, how do I know if I’m in love? How do you know if it’s the one or anything like that?

And so when I talked with some friends, two friends pointed out to me like, “Anna, this is normal for you.” Or one friend said like, “This was not you, Anna. I would have concern that you’re anxious, but this is like your normal pattern.” I realized, okay, I’m 28 and I really wanna get married someday and build a family, and I’ve had great Christian men pursue me in the past, and now this man who is on the mission field with me, who loves God, is pursuing me.

I don’t want to miss this chance. God can do things, but like God’s giving me a man I’ve, like that [00:16:00] I’ve prayed for. He meets a lot of the things, and so I don’t wanna just miss this because of fear again.

Carrie: I just wanna pause, I just wanna pause there for a moment, ’cause I think if anybody is single and listening to this, and I think this applies to, like, you’re going on a mission field as well.

It’s like sometimes we pray about things for a while, and then we don’t always recognize when it’s, like, smack right in front of us. This is the answer. Here it is. But I think, like, that’s part of the wrestling is obviously God doesn’t, like, insta answer many of our prayers. Sometimes he does, and we’re like, “Okay, I need help right now,” you know, and God comes through.

But about these bigger, like, life decision things, we’re praying for it. But I also think as believers, in faith, we also have to be looking around us and saying, like, “What is God doing here? Inter– Oh, God’s bringing unreached people groups into my life, and I feel something. Like, I feel some kinda way about that.

Like, we need to be reaching these un-people– unreached people groups,” you know? And so just, like, us looking at what I would call, like, the spiritual sense data. [00:17:00] Okay, what’s the spiritual sense data about what God is doing in my life? I’ve been praying for X, Y, Z things in a guy, which if you’re single, please be doing that.

You’re not gonna find Mr. Perfect. But if you know, hey, I’m praying for a man who loves the Lord, I’m praying for somebody that’s passionate about ministry, and I’m praying… That was, like, one of my prayers was to find a guy that was involved with his church. Because I saw many of the single men that I had encountered, they were kinda, like, half in the church, and I was like, “I don’t want that.”

I believe the church is a hope for the world, and I want somebody with, like, both feet in there and butt in the seat. And not just a consumer of the church, but somebody that was involved. And so then when I met my husband, he was like– We were just talking at that point, and he was like, “Oh, yeah, I was kinda helping out with this little thing, you know, this little thingy we had at church.”

Of course, he’s, like, trying to minimize his involvement, right? Anyway. So be on the lookout. Don’t just pray. Pray, but also be out on the lookout for, like, how is God answering this? And then when you [00:18:00] do, like, start to see some of those things, then it’s like, “Oh, okay, God, I get it.” And also, like, I think the beautiful thing that is kinda running through your story is, like, you can be anxious about something and also still move forward in faith.

‘Cause I was pretty anxious when I was dating, too. It’s like, ugh, for different reasons. But I don’t know, like, it’s kinda scary to be vulnerable and put yourself out here again, right? So you do that, and then you had lots of, it sounds like, different obsessions about, am I really in love? Is this really the right one?

Is this really the one God has for me? And how did you work through those?

Ana: I journaled a lot with the Lord and prayed, and I think you just mentioned, like, the sense data. I’ve never heard that word.

Carrie: I made it up.

Ana: Oh, what?

Carrie: I made up spiritual sense data because in ICBT, we talk about sense data. So I’ve been really trying to apply that to faith and say, “What is the spiritual sense data in these situations?”

So anyway, go ahead.

Ana: That’s so good. ‘Cause I think when I was talking to some people, like healthy voices in my life who [00:19:00] loved God, and they were kinda walking with me in this season. And I went back to my values of like, okay, what are the actual values I have in a person? I’m not talking about physical values, but, like, what do I want in a long-term person and a person that’s gonna father my future children and, like, be with me through hard times, like in the hospital or through sickness?

And so I started looking at that, and he values family. He values God. He prays about decisions when he knows his need for mercy, and he gives mercy to others when they mess up, and he seeks wise counsel. And, like, the way he treats me is he loves me, and the Bible says to love and things. And there’s definitely, like, in our year and a half of dating, there were definitely imperfections that we saw in each other of like, we’re not perfect.

And so sometimes that would bring up anxiety of like, oh no- Of course, he’s not perfect, so maybe he’ll make a mistake, and I would get anxious and then realize, whoa, [00:20:00] actually, like, what did he do when he made a mistake? That’s, like, a huge thing. So I think changing my perspective on certain areas of I’m not gonna find a perfect human, and if I do, they wouldn’t want me ’cause I’m not perfect.

Like, I mean, Jesus is perfect, and he loves… So I think that really helped me overcoming some of the fears and just saying that’s, even in the midst of fear, I see this, and I’m gonna choose him because of this, not some days I feel so in love, whatever that is, and then some days I have no idea. I’m overwhelmed at the thought of what that even means and feel numb.

Because I’m so anxious, but I know what is true, and he has these qualities, and I’ve seen him consistently live that out. And so I think at that point, and just praying and feeling like the Lord was saying, “Trust me,” and God did give me confirmations, but I was hoping he’d be like, “Yes, marry him now.” But instead, I felt like the Lord and his leadership gave me a choice of like, “He’s a good guy, and you can trust me that I’m leading you in the right way.

Like, he’s a good op- like, guy to marry. But I’ll let you have the choice,” is what [00:21:00] I sensed from the Lord. And that also made me realize, okay, I have a choice, and it’s a good option. And when we get married, I’m sure there’ll be ups and downs because it’s life, but the Good Shepherd who’s leading me in this dating is gonna lead me through our marriage, too.

And he’s gonna walk with me in all of it. And so I can trust God, even if I don’t know the future. I can trust that the Good Shepherd’s gonna be with me, and he’s gonna continue speaking into my life and leading me and leading my husband, too. And so I think that always gives me comfort.

Carrie: One of the best pieces of marital advice, he’s actually another counselor.

He said, “My wife and I have been married for almost forty-five years now.” And I said, “Oh, tell me the secrets. Give me all your good advice.” And he said, “Well, love is a choice.” And I said, “Yeah, and you have the opportunity to make that every day.” And he’s like, “That’s right.” I think in the culture sometimes we want all the warm, fuzzy, like, feel-good things, and then at the end of the day, it’s like sometimes you just have to make the choice to be kind, even if the other [00:22:00] person is stressed out and not kind, or we have to make the choice to forgive our spouse when they hurt us, and we have to make the choice to open our mouth and communicate about things that we appreciate about them and things that bother us, if they’re important enough to address.

And that was really helpful, I think, for me. And I think it helps with some of that OCD-type stuff of trying to find the perfectionism. But yeah, all of that sounds really good. I think this has been really great. I wonder, because I do meet people who say or talk with people, and I believe this is a big lie of the enemy for any Christians out there with OCD, red flag alert, that they’ll tell me things like, “Well, Carrie, my OCD is just so bad.

I don’t know if I can ever get married. Carrie, my OCD is so bad, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to serve the Lord in this way,” or whatever, fill in the blank. Tell us in part of this personal story series, had a pastor, we have a missionary coming on here, so I think hopefully we’ve debunked that lie just by personal testimony, praise the Lord.[00:23:00]

But give people out there some hope or encouragement if they’re feeling like, “You know what? I’m just too broken. I’m too damaged. I got too many mental health issues to be able to actually be effective for the kingdom.”

Ana: So I’m actually really passionate about that, because I think even… So I’m on the mission field, and there’s days where I’m like, “God, can you still use me?

Like, my OCD’s ramping up. Maybe I should just go home.” And then the Lord, when I go back to His truth, I see people like Moses in Exodus 3, and it says, “But Moses asked…” This is, like, when God was calling Moses to go and lead the people out of Egypt. And Moses asked God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh, that I should bring the Israelites out of Egypt?”

And He answered, “I will certainly be with you.” And that, God didn’t say, “Oh, you’re perfect. You’re great. You’re gonna be okay.” All He said was, “I will be with you.” I think sometimes OCD can feel so lonely. Even other Christians don’t really understand sometimes. But realizing, like, God is with me, and if He’s gonna [00:24:00] call me to the mission field, He’s gonna be with me, and He’s gonna be with me through the valley of the shadow of death, or if I’m going up to a person that’s scary or sharing the gospel, like, He’s gonna be with me.

And that’s the good news that we get to share with others, is not that we’re perfect, and so I can disciple you, but it’s no, like, “Hey, I found a God who’s with me. I found a God who wants to come into my mess and your mess and bring life and healing.” And sometimes in an instant, and sometimes it’s years.

But I think realizing that God doesn’t rush us. And I think that’s something I’m learning, is that God is with me in my mess. And He’s not saying like, “Okay, Ana, you have to be free of OCD tomorrow.” I think I’ve been struggling with this for so many years, but I’ve encountered Jesus through all of the hurt, the brokenness, the fears.

And He continues to use me. And I believe He wants to use each person out there who’s struggling with OCD. And so I just wanna encourage you that [00:25:00] God welcomes you in your brokenness, and He loves to use human beings who are imperfect. And He’s our strength in our weaknesses.

Carrie: We talked about, on an episode about the Holy Spirit, like, God doesn’t just give you an assignment and say, “Hey, here’s your assignment,” and then you’re booted out the door, and go figure it out yourself.

It’s, no, you’re empowered to do that work by the Holy Spirit in you. And God isn’t gonna leave you in the midst of the hairy, scary stuff that comes along with what He’s calling you to do in faith. Well, thanks so much for hanging out with us today and sharing your story. This has been just encouraging and life-giving to me, and I know it will be for other people as well.

Ana: Yeah. Thank you so much for having me. So thankful for this podcast and what God’s doing through your work and all of these, everyone’s stories.