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Author: Carrie Bock

I am a Christ follower, wife, and mother. I seek to bring a calm, compassionate, and hopeful approach to my practice. I am direct and transparent, ensuring no guessing games or hidden analyses. I believe in taking my own advice before sharing it with clients as we strive towards physical and emotional health together. I’ve been a licensed professional counselor since 2009, but I’m still learning every day. I’ve been practicing EMDR since 2013 and became an EMDR consultant in 2019, which is the highest level of training in EMDR. I also host the podcast “Christian Faith and OCD.” This started with a hesitant “yes” to God in 2020, and has grown into a world wide ministry.

60. The Benefits of Fitness and Spirituality Combined with Jen Roland

Jen Roland, a certified mental health coach through the American Association of Christian Counselors, Christian writer and speaker is joining me on the show today to talk about fitness, mental health, and Christianity.

  • Jen’s personal fitness journey 
  • Her initial motivation to lose weight and get fit.
  • Jen’s unhealthy obsession with fitness and how it caused stress and anxiety
  • Inviting God to her health journey. What did God show her that changed her perspective about health and fitness?
  • How exercise and movement can help with chronic pain
  • Christian view of health and fitness
  • Practical tips on how to start exercising when you feel overwhelmed.

Links and Resources

Jen Roland

More Podcast Episodes

Transcript

Carrie: This is Hope for Anxiety and OCD episode 60. Just want to say happy new year to everyone out there. I know that our last episode at the end of December was about, making a new year’s resolutions and goals and why goal setting is important. And I know that some of you out there who are listening, probably have some goals surrounding. Getting in better shape or starting an exercise routine. And we know that those things can be really helpful for anxiety. 

So today on the show I have with me, Jen Roland, who’s a Christian writer speaker. She’s also a certified mental health coach through the American Association of Christian Counselors and a personal trainer. Jen has her own experiences with anxiety that she’s gonna talk with us a little bit about as well. So thank you for coming on the show, Jen.

Jen: Thank you, Carrie.

Carrie: So tell us a little bit about your story and how you got so interested in these different connections between fitness, mental health, and Christianity.

Jen: Sure. Well, I’ve always been interested in fitness. So growing up, I was always very much involved in team sports. I played team sports throughout middle school and high school and even in college. I joined the club teams and played softball and volleyball. And even after getting my first job as a high school, actually middle school. And then I was a high school science teacher. I was able to maintain a modified level of physical activity.

But once I had kids, I found that a lot of that really fell by the wayside. Team sports were the first to go cause it was just too difficult to drag our kids to softball games and things like that. And then quickly after that, any consistent exercise routine that I have. Also came kind of to an abrupt halt. And so what kind of came along with having little ones that I ended up having three kids each two years apart, there were lots of sleepless nights that led to poor food choices. I gained some weight and I really struggled to lose the baby weight from my second child.

So adding in not getting enough sleep and not eating well, I definitely had increased stress. And I didn’t have a way to release that stress through physical activity. You know, I didn’t have those natural endorphins that stimulate those positive feelings. Initially, my motivation for starting back with a Fitbit is her chain was actually kind of self-centered, but I’m gonna talk about how that evolved over time. As I kind of invited God into my health journey, but initially, it was because my sister-in-law asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding and I had to wear a bridesmaid dress. 

So, I was determined to lose the baby weight from my second daughter, who was one at the time. And I wanted to get in shape, you know, and I wanted to look good in this bridesmaid dress so that I was gonna do this workout program. I made up a calendar. I wrote my workouts every day and what I was gonna do. And even though it took me, you know, it was a three-month program. It took me five months to do it, but I still did it because I just tried to commit to, you know, looking at that calendar crossing each day off as I went along and on the days, I didn’t feel like doing anything.

I just told myself to do something, even if it was like five minutes just to do something, put your workout shoes on, you know, do a couple minutes. And most of the time it would turn out to be a decent workout. And so I did finish it and I felt like I was in great shape and other women that I was friends with at the time that had little ones started noticing that, you know, I had lost the weight that I was looking stronger and more fit. And so they started asking me what I was doing. Well at that time I wasn’t teaching anymore. So I ended up using my background in science and nutrition and human physiology. And I went into health coaching. I became a health coach and personal trainer, and I started helping other women. Develop these fitness routines and hold them accountable to following through. Even if it took them like me, you know, a lot longer than they expected it to. And they were seeing results. 

But what happened over time was that the pendulum kind of swung to the opposite extreme. And I started becoming a little bit obsessive about those habits to the point where I was measuring out all my food and I was measuring the success of my day on whether or not I had gotten my entire workout in. And so it actually became a source of stress and anxiety for me, there really was a struggle for quite a few years for me to find this balance. Between caring for myself, like in a healthy way, while also caring for others in between like self-discipline, while also giving myself grace by didn’t get the workout in. And it really wasn’t until I invited God into my health journey that He began to show me that I needed to do things a lot differently.

My faith had grown a lot over that time from when I had had the children. And as I started to grow up, as I started kind of inviting God into my health journey, He really did show me that health was about so much more than physical health, but that included my mental. And my social and my spiritual being and it, they were all very much interconnected. And I wholeheartedly believe that. He showed me that my priorities were kind of out of whack and that the spiritual training really needed to be prioritized over the physical training and that self-care and fitness. 

We’re not merely a means to achieve this, you know, ideal body, but rather a way that I could honor God. And my body is a gift that He had given me for the purpose that He had created me for which a lot of that at that time was parenting, but has developed into much more than that. And so he really began to weigh the shift the way I looked at it. And I really contribute that change in perspective to inviting my God into that and bringing my spirituality into my journey with physical health. And then about three years ago, I was so very much into health and fitness.

I started experiencing chronic pain. That doctors thought was a back issue and I found out two years later, was actually a chronic condition called, Small fiber peripheral neuropathy, which is uncurable without a cause. They don’t know the cause of it. So I’ve been dealing with chronic burning pain in my legs and my feet for the past three years. And I have found the most other than my faith. And I do take medication for pain as well. I have found that movement and exercise, especially aerobic exercise is absolutely essential for my physical, mental, and spiritual wellbeing and to minimize. Really the pain that I’m having, because it really does stimulate those endorphins, which are painkillers. 

So my passion is really like whole person wellness because I really don’t think you can address anxiety without looking at the physical person and what’s going on socially, spiritually and physically, and then mentally as well. So that’s really become my passion. And I think inviting God in, he has directed me toward now this ministry that I have and, and helping other women, you know, move towards health and wholeness.

Carrie: I think that you make, you know, a couple of good points there that I just wanted to capitalize on. One was that 

you started out with something that was healthy and it went to an extreme and it became unhealthy. And that’s, I think, important for our listeners to know that, that can happen in any area of our lives really is to just gonna pay attention to that. Especially if people are prone to obsessions or anxiety, is to start to evaluate and realize, like how much space is this taking up in my mind and in my life.

And is it gone too far at some level?

I really interested a lot in what you said about just the chronic pain and how you’ve noticed that movement has been helpful for that. Because I think that a lot of people, when they experience pain in their bodies. Her first thought is, I shouldn’t move. I should go lay down or I should rest. How do we know if it’s a situation or is that something maybe a medical professional or a trainer can help us with, like in this pain, do we move or do we rest?

Jen: That’s a really good question. I mean, it reminds me of like the chronic pain cycle. I mean, a lot of times with pain, we avoid activity and we avoid movement, but what that does, this actually perpetuates the anxiety because now we’re isolated or sedentary. And as our muscles tense up and we’re getting isolated from other people, that only further exacerbate the anxiety that we’re feeling. I think it does make sense first to evaluate what the problem is. For example, when they thought that I had a herniated disc and that was the source of the pain, they told me I should rest because in that case, resting and keeping the pressure off of my back was what I would have needed to do.

But once I realized that it was actually a nerve issue and that exercise was not. Making it worse, but actually exercise was providing the circulation and the nutrients that my nerves needed to be able to heal and to be able to continue to function. I knew that while my body hurt, moving was good for me. I would say there are some times where rest is needed first and that’s where the medical professional would come in. But if you have, there’s a difference between. Chronic pain and acute pain, acute pain, you know, which is like less than three months, which is usually from like a traumatic injury and things like that. Oftentimes rest is needed first. 

However, with chronic pain, most of the time movement is not making it worse because at this point it is extended beyond, you know, the normal amount of time that someone would expect for that to heal. And your body is sending these pain signals and it could be for a variety of reasons. Sometimes there’s no tissue damage at all other times there is. But in my case, once it kind of crossed over into chronic pain and they knew this was not a back issue, there was no harm in me moving. I do have to be smart about it. 

So if I exercise and I am absolutely wiped out, like within two hours afterwards, the point that I just, you know, I’m exhausted on the couch, I’ve done too much. And that’s a good general rule of thumb. If you two hours later, just can’t go on with your day because you’re so wiped out, then you’ve over done it. So that’s why later, when we talk about starting a routine, it’s important to kind of ease in and go about things gradually. But the other thing is in addition to starting small and kind of easing in, this I was gonna  say about getting into it wasn’t about gradual. With chronic pain the movement is oftentimes what we need to, to get over that anxiety, that fear further harming ourselves and the movement is actually improving our mental health and our physical health. 

Carrie: So I know we’re always being told to exercise and move more. Especially in America a lot of times we have more sedentary lifestyles. What are some benefits of exercise? 

Jen: There are so many benefits. I know most of us know the physical benefits of exercise. Things like increased strength of our muscles, of our bones. It lowers our blood pressure. It’s improved cardiovascular, endurance and health, but some of the other big benefits of exercise include that it’s a stress reliever who is a great way for us to relieve stress. It releases endorphins, which are those  the body’s natural painkillers that also stimulate those feelings of pleasure. So they actually do reduce feelings of pain and stimulate feelings of pleasure. We have an increase in energy. So contrary to what most people think. If we feel kind of tired, a lot of times getting, especially getting outside. In the fresh air 0and doing a first go off will actually increase our energy levels, not decrease them.

I remember what I was, the other thing I was gonna say before about overdoing. It is that if it increases our pain level, that’s something to look out for. If I, when I do impact activities, it makes my nerve pain worse. So I do shy away from doing those. And I stick to activities that when I do them, I do. I may not feel great doing them. And that sometimes true is exercised, but I feel a relief. I feel good afterwards. And so that’s a good way of knowing that as well as people are kind of easing back into a routine, you know, am I exhausted to really move or am I experience increase in my pain, but if it’s the same or even a little bit better for a period of time, then that’s a good sign that movement is actually helping them. Move it again, can produce anxiety. It can help us sleep better with anxiety.

I remember when I was really struggling with anxiety back in like 2016, and I had such difficulty falling asleep at night and movement. Again, especially that aerobic exercise. We’re getting your heart rate up, whether it’s walking or jogging or cycling or swimming, which has become a favorite of mine now on with chronic pain. I sleep so much better when I exercise is, and it’s a way where, you know, when your body is tired, it’s just so much easier to fall asleep. That’s another great benefit of exercise as well. But I know as I mentioned before, you know, my story about wanting to get fit to get into that bridesmaids dress.

I think a lot of us think about benefits to ourselves. Naturally we think, okay, well, these are all the benefits to my health, but where it really changed for me was where I started looking beyond my own health and looking at the people around me. And then even to, how does it benefit or how does it bore a fire God.Right? And so I started thinking about, well, gosh, like if I’m healthy than I am, or as healthy as I possibly can be, right? I’ve got a chronic illness. I have chronic pain.

There are some things that I can’t do with my kids. I can’t run around in the backyard for 45 minutes and play tag because I will be in a lot of pain, but there are still things I can do. And by exercising and taking care of my health. I am able to be more present for my kids, I’m able to help them have good health. Does that example for them, even though mommy can’t do everything, mommy is still making an effort to make the, her health a priority. I think it makes me a better spouse because I’m in a better mood when I’m able to have that release of whatever stress or tension that I’ve just been carrying around. And I know, you know, not only does it help me physically be more comfortable because it lowers my pain, but, you know, I think we’re just more comfortable with our bodies when we know that we’re taking care of them. And we know that that affects, you know, how we interact with others, our intimacy with our spouse, like all of those things are impacted by exercise, but, you know, we even take it even bigger than that.

Our bodies God’s word says that our bodies are temples of the holy spirit and that’s 1 Corinthian 6:19- 20, it says, “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the holy spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God. You are not your own. You are bought at a price, therefore honor God with your body so we can honor God with our body”. Through physical fitness. It’s actually a way that we worship God by showing you, we care enough about the body He’s given us to take care of it. And there’s also a verse in Ephesians that talks about caring for your body as well, to care and nourish your body as Christ cares for the church. 

So they want, you know and want us to care for our bodies, even though they are temporary, they’re not eternal.

Our souls, they’re important because they’re the only house that our souls have to live in here on this earth. And so if we’re gonna be a reflection of Christ out to the world, well, then we need to be nurturing and caring and fueling our bodies and our minds. Right? And our souls with the right things. So whether that’s good food or good company or God’s word, you know, what we fuel ourselves with is ultimately what’s going to come out is what we’re gonna pour out to everybody else. And so we wanna make sure that it, that it’s good. And then it’s wholesome that it’s nurturing and that it’s caring for ourselves.

Carrie: That’s really good. That’s really awesome. I think so many times, unfortunately. What I’ve seen in church is that people want to talk about our minds or our spirit, and they neglect the physical body. And that’s what our mind is in. That’s what our spirit is. God’s spirit is housed in. And so if we don’t pay attention to our physical bodies, we’re missing just such a crucial piece there in terms of spirituality.

So let’s say maybe somebody is listening to this episode, because they don’t currently have an exercise routine and they wanna get started or they want, they know they need to take more care of their physical health. What would you suggest to them? Maybe they don’t know where to start feel overwhelmed.

Jen: The first thing I would say is to kind of, to evaluate where you’re starting from. So I mentioned before, just if we try to just jump right back in to where we were, that’s where we do find a lot of times that we are prone to injury. I mean, it can be very humbling. I mean, I know after quite a long time of not doing any exercise at all. And because I was on bedrest thinking, it was my back and it didn’t get better and they extended it. And so I had no physical activity for at least the better part of a year after being very active. And I did notice that it was affecting my mental health and I knew that I needed to do something. And I tried to, I joined a gym,and to start swimming, which has been great for me and anyone that deals with chronic pain.

I mean, I asked for that like as a Christmas gift to have money for that, because I knew, you know, that there was a cost involved, but it’s been very worth it for me. 

So starting off in the pool for me was really good. There’s water aerobics classes. And, you know, there’s, Y there’s a lot of local lifewise and things like that. I have a low cost, you know, to join the pool or aquatics class, but think about where you’re starting from. Because if you try to just jump in and go to the first, you know, hit class at the gym, then you’re likely to feel discouraged or to get injured or to be in so much pain afterwards that you have zero desire to go back. So think about were you starting from, and then gradually increase it. So like, if you’re doing absolutely nothing right now, that’s okay. Right? There’s no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus, like just, okay. Where can we start? And I highly suggest just doing a walking program. 

I mean, the new year’s a great time to start because the spring is when there’s a lot of,like, five Ks or like the color run or things like that. That can be very social and fun while also encouraging physical fitness. And so that’s, I remember doing that years back, whether you walk or run, it doesn’t matter if you sign up for something like that, it gives you a date that you there it’s April or May, and that you’re working toward, that you can put on the calendar and you might do like a couch to 5K program. Or we might just start walking like 10 minutes a day.

 As a personal trainer, I do highly suggest that you focus on like consistency over performance. So rather than say, well, I’m gonna walk three times a week for 30 minutes, I would say, well, can you just walk 15 minutes? Every day or six days a week? Because when you build that habit, even if you have one rest day, but when you do three times a week, what happens is, well, it’s only Monday I have the whole week I’m gonna start. I’m gonna do it tomorrow. And then Tuesday rolls along and it just gets put off. 

But if you can make it a habit, it really does your body comes to expect it to eventually crave it. That movement and walking is a great place to start. I would say, try to choose something you enjoy. And there’s some people out there to be like, well, I don’t enjoy anything, but you know, it could be gardening. It could be, again, walking with a friend or a neighbor, they could be cycling, whether it’s stationary cycling or running a bike. I said, I did, I ended up doing swimming. I didn’t love it at first, but I got underwater headphones and it became like the new running for me because I used to run. So I put my earbuds in and I listened to music and I swim and I came to love it because once I got over the hump of this is miserable because I’m so out of shape this, it became enjoyable for me. It really becomes something I look forward to doing. 

Carrie: Tell us about when you were a busy mom and you were getting into a fitness routine, like how did you schedule that in? What did that look like for you? 

Jen: When I was the busy mom and I had the little ones. I found ways to exercise a Chrome. And I actually do have some really short, simple and workouts that I’ve put on my website, which is www.JenRoland.com and under resources there’s exercises. So I have like 10 to 15 minute exercises and that’s what I would do. So I literally just got free weights and I had an exercise mat. There are a ton of free exercise videos that you can look up like on YouTube or online. You can find, you know, a beginner yoga, you can find a beginner, a cardio class, you can play it.

Sometimes I bring my like exercise mat upstairs and I would like lay it on the floor by the playroom. And I would do, you know, and it was frustrating sometimes. Stop, but except even on a, such a good day, I might get 10 or 15 minutes in, in the morning. And then I try to finish it up later in the day. And I learned to be okay with like splitting up a workout that was 25 minutes into two or three parts and being like, I still did it, right? Free weights and a map basically is what I used for the longest time. That’s all I had and that’s all I needed, but I was able to do strength core. And then for cardio, I’d either put the kids in the double stroller, which was a great workout and push them around. Or, you know, eventually we later did get a treadmill, but I’ve had a bike I’ve had to look to goal. So throughout the years I found some way to get some kind of aerobic exercise in. So I think any, whether they’re working in or outside the home, I think there are ways  to make it work on a budget of even nothing right now. 

Carrie: Sure.

Jen: You know, even if you were to invest $50 in some free weights, like you could do a lot of workouts with that. And I do have some strength and some, some cardio workouts and one of them, I just use a stairwell and that’s it. And it’s a short little cardio exercise to get your heart rate up when you can’t get outside or can’t leave the house. There’s a lot of really good I’m free resources out there that people can use. And then there’s others that you can pay for if you have the money and you want a subscription to them. 

Carrie: Sure. I think that we over-complicate things sometimes, or we make excuses. I don’t have that 25 minutes in my day, but what you were just saying was like, well, what if I did, you know, 10 minutes in the morning and then 15 after the kids went to bed or something like that, what if I took part of my lunch break, if I have an hour lunch break and what if I took 15 minutes of that or 30 minutes of that to walk? Those are doable things that I think a lot of times we don’t think about, or we just, we make some kind of excuse for why we aren’t able to do something. 

I know since COVID, I have been exercising at home, I had a gym membership and I was doing the classes and everything else like that. And then with COVID of course, all of that changed. And I bought a streaming service and ended up streaming workouts into the house. And that’s been just really great for me to be able to physically and mentally to have those workouts in, on a regular basis. And I do miss it when, when I don’t have it now I’m pregnant. So now I’m doing the prenatal yoga and the, those type of workout. It’s very different than what I was doing before, for sure. I mean, you know, changing body, you have to change your, your movement and your activity level. And there’s definitely some pain in there as well that I’m trying to deal with and work around and stretch out. But Hey, they say exercise is good for labor, so I’m rolling with it.

Jen: And you bring, you bring up a really good point too, is that like pull that warmup and that cools down, you know, like that’s just even just like the stretching, we forget about things like that, but that’s really important as well. You mentioned streaming, I streamed workouts all the time. And my husband was able to set it up so that you can just, pass through laptop like screen onto the television. Right? 

Carrie: Right. 

Jen: So we put a TV in a room where I do my workouts. And so rather than having to like do it off this little screen on my computer, I had it on the TV screen. And that’s how I would do a lot of my workouts as well. But having that warmup and that full down is really important as well.

And I loved having that calendar if you buy, if you string a program and you buy like a program, they usually come with workout calendars, and there’s something satisfying about like, just crossing off each day as you go along and seeing, I did one more cam on one day closer, really just focusing on the process of getting in the habit of making physical activity a habit.

So there’s eventually, like you said, Carrie something that you look forward to do, and then you actually missed it. If you don’t get to do it and just,  rewarding yourself to along the way with a healthy reward, like maybe it’s, you know, at the end, I’m gonna go get a pedicure or something like that. Something that’s not gonna derail your progress that you’ve made,

Carrie: Right.

Jen: But that’s going to reward you in a way that just also helps you relax and things I did, is things you’re struggling with. I think pedicure or massage or just meeting a friend, you know, for coffee, all can be just great ways of rewarding ourselves for disciplining our body, which is a good thing. You know, also biblical as well, too, that we’re disciplining our bodies. 

Carrie: How do you incorporate spiritual practices into movement? 

Jen: That’s a really good question. One thing that I wanted to mention, you had mentioned at the beginning, that I have a certification as a mental health coach through the American association of Christian counselors. Well, before that I did a behavior change certification through ACE, which is not Christian-based and it was very different in talking about behavior change versus mental health and sustainable long-term change. And here’s one point that I feel like is just really worth emphasizing is that without the holy spirit in our lives, without God and invited into our health trinny, the best that we can hope to achieve is to change our outward behavior.

We are disciplining ourselves to change an outward behavior without truly having that deep heart level change as to why we’re doing it and why it’s really important that it’s deeper and bigger than ourselves, but that it really involves God and it’s honoring glorifying him. So when we invite God into our health journey and we have the holy spirit in us, that’s when we can achieve like true heart level, sustainable change.

Okay. And that’s only through the power of the holy spirit in us. And so as we are engaging in physical fitness and we are inviting the holy spirit to give us the strength to endure. 

To the push through what might be a difficult workout to overcome the, the will of just being lazy and staying in bed. He is giving us the power to do more than change our behavior, but to actually change our hearts so that we begin to see it as a way of worship. And so some ways that I have done that. One of the It gets ways. I was like, cause I mentioned music and like I used to run to, to certain playlist and when I couldn’t run anymore. And that was hard. Just like you said, it’s so hard doing like your prenatal workouts when you’re used to doing other things. And I used to be doing insanity and these, you know, pull ups and chin ups and it was very difficult to not be able to engage with those things. 

But one thing that I found helpful was like to take the music with me that I found swimming and that was a robotic for me, but I will listen to worship music when I swim. And so bringing, you know, music and it doesn’t have to be Christian, but like music therapy is a real thing. It is therapeutic and I have playlist depending on what I’m even feeling. I’m sure other people probably do too, whether it’s just like, let’s go get them playlist, or I just need to relax. I’m in a spa kind of playlist and you might play one when you’re walking and a different one when you’re doing, you know more intense workout, but I actually have ones for how I’m feeling. So I have a let go and trust God playlist. I have a finding comfort in God’s presence playlist. I have a song to overcome hopelessness playlist, and those are all actually my freebies library. 

So if you go to my website and subscribe you’ll have access to all of them they’re on Spotify. But worship was, is a huge way for me to bring spirituality into fitness. Another one is walking wholeheartedly, admit that I’m guilty of like 99% of the time walking with earbuds in because I like to listen to podcasts. I’ve been listening to a bunch of yours recently carried. I was listening to one on nutrition and I was listening to one on mindfulness. And, and so I’ve been, I listened to podcasts. I listened to my Bible app. I listened to music and I realized that in doing that, there were times I would complete my walk and I really didn’t even notice like what was going on around me, because I would be like constantly looking at my phone or just, you know, my mind would be elsewhere. I got a really good tip from someone else that I’ve tried to incorporate into my life. And that is to go on a walk without your earbuds, without your phone and do one of two things. The first would be just to be like mindful and notice what’s around you.

Carrie: That’s good.

Jen: You notice the beauty of the leaves changing color right now. This morning, it was, there was a bird sitting on the tippy top branch of the tree. And like, it was, it was just really kind of comical looking. And I, I noticed that. Just noticing, I mean the littlest things, we had a bunny in our backyard this morning. That was super cute. But just being able to notice that being mindful, that lowers anxiety, that mindfulness is, is also needed for emotional regulation and to notice what we’re feeling and to be able to go to God and say, God, you know, I’m feeling this right now, you know, and maybe identified as whether it’s loneliness or boredom or anxiousness or fear. Just practicing that mindfulness is key. 

So try going for a walk and just noticing what’s around you and not having those ear buds in. And the other thing would be to take an index card with you with a, a positive affirmation of this could be a scripture verse, or it could just be inspiring quote, but it coming up. Some kind of fear or a lie that you’re struggling with. Okay. So for me, my thoughts would oftentimes, especially with my health, they would just I worry. I would worry and it didn’t help that other people with my condition would say things like, well, aren’t you worried? You’re gonna end up paralysed. Well, aren’t you worried that you’re not gonna be able to like drive your kids around anymore? Aren’t you concerned? And I would get an earful of, plus I would get an ear full of things I should try. Will have you tried this? Have you tried this? Have you tried this? And it was very anxiety provoking for me.

Carrie: Sure.

Jen: And so my verse was Philippians 4-8, which I’ve also now framed. I have that on my wall. But whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right. Whatever is your, whatever is lovely. Whatever is admirable. If anything is excellent and praiseworthy, think about such things. And for me, that was the changing my thought taps. And it was like, there I go again, I’m thinking about the future. And I realized that like anxious people,of eyelid, let’s say. When I’m showing with anxieties, because I’m living ahead, I’m thinking ahead. I’m grieving losses that haven’t even happened. Whether I’m gonna be paralyzed or whether it’s just gonna get worse. And I’m not on my retirement, I’m gonna be just stuck at home because I can’t travel. And rather than worrying about these things. But haven’t happened to just, I think of like a fishing rod, reel it in. Where are you right now? Be here, there are joys. And there are things to be experienced right here.

Let me focus on those things that are true, that I know that are true, that I know that are praiseworthy. That’s where I need to be thinking about. So that’s a big verse for me. So just walking and every, maybe five minutes, just reading that verse out loud. And while your neighbors might look at you a little funny because you’re, you know, doing that, there is something about the movement and the auditory and putting it all together where I really think that can be very, a very powerful tool to renew our mind.

So if you can say it out loud, just like sometimes we’ll do positive affirmations in front of the mirror. And speak it aloud to themselves. There’s power in that versus reading it and just reading it internally and not saying it out loud. So when you combine that with movement, I think there’s just, it just adds a whole nother level of depth to it, to help it really sink in. 

Carrie: Sure. Towards the end of every podcast. I like to ask our guests to share a story of hope, which is a time in which you received hope from God or another person. 

Jen: Well, I thought a lot about that and the things that came to me if I thought back to when I was struggling with it most, which is when I was going through some marital issues back in 2016, through 2018.

And my husband and I were in counseling. And I just remember feeling like I shouldn’t be struggling with it.

So I just wanted to speak some words of encouragement and then share a little bit about how God used that period of my life. I wanted to say that we can walk with the Lord and still struggle with anxiety. It is very possible to be walking closely with God and still have these difficulties. All of us have difficulties and limitations, and they’re there for a reason.

Carrie: Sure.

Jen: God is using them. Anxiety, It’s, it’s not your identity. It’s not who you are. It’s just a result of living in a fallen world. That is plagued with sin and disease and illness and very difficult circumstances, especially with what we’ve all gone through the past year and a half, never for a moment. Do I want anyone to think that having anxiety that is shallow with anxiety makes them any less of a Christian. Being on medication doesn’t make you any less of a Christian? I knew there were some people that led me to question how I could take an antidepressant for pain and also be a strong believer and that, you know. I used to be praying more and that’s just not true.

There are definitely cases where people just have lower levels of serotonin and exercise does help that as well. I don’t want to get too off track, but if you do have a lower level of serotonin, which definitely can happen, people that have depression, anxiety. Exercise also helps that, and there are foods that have tryptophan that you can also eat that your body uses that tryptophan, to produce serotonin. So things like turkey and bananas and salmon, and you can Google like foods with tryptophan and that can help raise your serotonin to a normal level, which may help your mood. 

But, you know, in some people they need that medication and that, that can actually help balance their brain chemistry to what it’s supposed to be. So God gives us Jesus, you know, for hope, but he gives us doctors and nurses and counselors and coaches for help. And he wants us to reach out to those people. Just like, it’s not a weakness to reach out to Carrie for counseling, if you need counseling, right? If you live in the same state and you wanna connect with her for counseling. God gives us counselors to help us through hard things. And he gives us doctors to also help us where our biochemical environment may not be exactly what it should be. And it, that doesn’t mean it’s a long-term thing, but there’s no reason to be ashamed of that. 

So I know what it’s like to struggle with anxiety. I know what it’s like to be on medication as well. And I’ve come to see, you know, over the past five years that God has really used it in such a way that I can now see it as like a gift. And here’s why I say that because we were like, there’s no way. There’s just no way. Okay. The reason I would say that it’s a gift is because it has drawn me closer to God. It has, you know, it’s what encouraged me to seek counseling, my husband and I to get into counseling. Us to both seek the Lord. 

We’ve both been transformed. 

Our marriage is stronger. I have grown tremendously, both spiritually and personally. Okay. And it’s really showed me that I have to let go of the things I can’t control and focus on the things I have agency over. And in doing that in letting go of control, I feel like I’ve really been able to receive what God has planned for me, which right now is turned into a ministry of serving other women. 

When we try to grasp tightly and control everything near actually, like clenching our fist in a way that we’re unable to really receive what God wants to teach us through our struggles. And that’s why Bernay Brown. She wrote that book, you know, the gift of imperfection. It’s our imperfections that draw us closer to God. And in drawing closer to God that we really discover who we really are and how he wants to use our anxiety for our growth. So I would just encourage everyone that’s going through that today, that God is going to use it just to keep seeking him with your hands open for what he has to give you. Remember that He is gonna use it for your good, He really as for your growth and scientification, and just to, to just seal that relationship, that union with him even more so.

Carrie: Thank you so much for coming on, and talking with us about these things. I really appreciate it.

Jen: You’re welcome. Thanks for having me.

Carrie: I really appreciated Jen’s perspective in the Christian Integration into this episode. I want you all to know in a transparent node, that I’ve really been struggling to keep up with everything that’s going on with the Podcast a last couple of months. It’s been a riff time with my pregnancy and you hear me talk about that this, a little bit of  our upcoming episodes. About back pain that I don’t with. And  It’s been a journey. And I hope to actually do a Podcast. Sometime in the future to talk about mental health and chronic pain, anxiety.

How those things interact with each other? Because there’s so much linkage that I don’t feel like people talk about these things. What is like to go through a chronic health struggle and not know when the end day of that is going to be. So, there’s so much that I want to do. I want to really get our website fully up to date where it needs to be. And I want to be pouring more efforts and to make sure that our newsletter goes out every week. I just want be able to do such of those things. So, I’m sitting on the acceptance that I am not where I want to be with this Podcast. I  assure that, because it’s a lesson to all of us. That sometimes we go through things and we have to take a step back. And we have to acknowledge our limitations and we really have to dig in and take care of ourselves. 

Fortunately, my recording season is over. I am now focused on just getting everything out to you guys over the next several weeks. For I’m going on maternity leave. How much I get out there and remain to be seen? But, we’re gonna do the best that we can. I would love to hear from you and you can reach us anytime on our website. Hope for Anxiety and OCD.com. We have a contact form on there. And we love to hear from real live actual people who’s listening the show. Because a lot of at we get, you know, junks bin, on there. So, leave us a little note and let us know which you like about the Podcast. What do you like to see different and anxious suggestions? Thank you so much for listening.

59. Anxiety, Goals, and New Year’s Resolutions with Carrie Bock, LPC-MHSP

In this episode, I talk about anxiety, goals, failure, and New Year’s Resolutions.

  • Why I don’t set  New Year’s Resolutions
  • Why people with anxiety may shy away from setting goals
  •  Self-Evaluation & Setting Personal Goals 
  • Where does fear of success come from?
  • Overcoming failures
  • Aligning your goals with God’s will 

Verses and Scriptures discussed: Philippians 2:12-13, Isaiah 1:17, Ephesians 2:19

More Podcast Episodes

Transcript

Welcome to hope for anxiety and OCD Episode 59. I am your host Carrie Bock. And today we’re having a solo episode on anxiety, goals, failure, and New Year’s resolution. Maybe you’re starting to think about your new year’s resolutions or goals for next year. Maybe you’re not,  some people just say, “ I don’t set new year’s resolutions. That’s not for me.”

 At the beginning of every year, you will set New Year’s resolutions and often resolutions fail for a variety of reasons. I don’t set new year’s resolutions per se, because they remind me more of making a wish before you blow out your birthday candles. It’s kind of like, “ Yeah, this would be a nice thought or guest year, but there’s really no plan to complete it.

I really believe in setting goals. Goals are specific. They have a plan to help you get there. And you’re going to know if you achieve them or not. There’s some type of measurability to them. And later in the episode, I’m going to look through some previous schools that I’ve said and talk with you about whether or not I achieved them.

And some goals that I have for the upcoming year, especially specifically for this podcast. Just a reminder, in case you missed my last episode with Steve, where we talked about having a baby next year and how that’s going to impact the podcast. We are going to an every other week show starting in January.

So we will have a show next week for the first week of January. And then. Beyond an every other week schedule after that, just in case you are like my mother and diligently tune in every week. I hope it’s not just my mother that does that. Maybe there’s some people out there that really like the show and try to tune in every week.

If you don’t and you’re catching up on old episodes, there’ll be plenty of time to do that as well. I want to talk with you about problems you may run into in terms of setting goals. If you have anxiety or OCD. There are some reasons that people who experience anxiety may not set goals. You may feel overwhelmed.

Maybe you feel like you have so much that you want to do that you want to accomplish and you feel overwhelmed at the idea of actually trying to do it all. It doesn’t really matter what that goal is. Whether it’s to get in better physical shape, get out of debt,eat healthier this year, you can become easily overwhelmed by any of these goals.

They seem really big and really insurmountable. So you may get to a place where you say, well, I’m just not going to try, because I don’t know how to break that down into smaller steps. I have no idea how to get to where I want to be. And so forget it. Just give it up. You may not know what you need or want. I know that sounds strange.

So this is something I run into a lot. When people come into counseling, they’ll say things like, I want to feel better. I want to have less anxiety. And in the beginning, that sounds like a good goal. Feeling better, having less anxiety, but we really have to dig in and ask some more questions in order to help make those, a goal. For someone saying, “ I want to feel better.”

What does feeling better look like? What kind of things would you be doing if you were feeling better? Well, “ I would be exercising on a regular basis. I would be spending more time socially with friends.” Those are some things that you can actually get down and measure and create specific objectives to meet those goals.

You may not feel worthy of achieving certain things. Some people learned maybe in their family of origin, not to want things, because if they wanted something, they knew that nobody was going to help them get that.  This can lead to people leaning on self-reliance or it can lead them to saying things like, “ Well, you know, I just, I don’t know.I just don’t really want anything.” Because they don’t want to be disappointed. 

As Christians, we don’t have to deny our wants. Sometimes people think that somehow more Godly, but we do have to submit them over to God to see if that’s something that He has for our lives. And sometimes it’s a matter of timing.

We may want something from God or for Him to help us achieve a certain outcome, but we may not really be ready to receive that. I can definitely think of plenty of times in my life where I wanted something, but really wasn’t ready for that responsibility. I think about that in the professional realm, in terms of starting a private practice, there was definitely a lot of times

Before starting my private practice that I wanted to do that and wasn’t able to, but now I can look back and say, “ Everything happened at the right time, the way it was supposed to, because if I had tried to start something earlier, I wouldn’t necessarily have had the confidence to follow through and persevere in the difficult times.”

I can also say that with having a child, a lot of people have children in their twenties and there’s nothing wrong with that. For me ,personally, I don’t think that I was ready to be a mom in my twenties. I guess if it happened back then, I would’ve had to figure it out and rise to the occasion and it probably would have made me a better person, but having a baby now that I’m older, it’s caused me to process things very differently.

And I think in general, I’m a much less selfish person than I was in my twenties. I feel like I will have more to give to this baby than I would have back then. So God’s timing in that sense for me is perfect. When we submit our desires over to God and our wants, we can pray and say, 

“ Okay, God, this is what I’m desiring.Is this in your will for me?”  or “ God helped me desire the things that you desire.” And then you’ll start desiring things of the kingdom, rather than just things that you want for your own purposes or your own gain. Sometimes people don’t set goals because they actually fear success. 

I know that sounds pretty strange to say out loud, but sometimes people will wonder what would happen. Like, “ If I got that dream job? Will my family look down on me then?” ,  “Would people judge me?” , “ What are people gonna think of me if I do this or that ?”  All of those things can really get in our way.  And we can be afraid of all kinds of things related to success. We can be afraid of achieving more. We can be afraid of making more money, but most typically fear of success comes down to our relationships.

We’re afraid that somehow if we’re more successful, that’s going to negatively impact our relationships. So that’s something that you also can take to God and pray about. And a lot of times, fear of success may come from family of origin issues and it’s a good process to work through some of those things.

I had to work through some thought processes about money, really, for counseling several years ago. And it was a hard process, but a really good process for me to understand that I could help people and also make money because those two things seem to really be an opposition to each other. That was part of my overcoming some fear of success for myself. 

 On the opposite end of the spectrum, you may not be setting goals this year because you fear failure. You may be saying, “ Well, I’ve been trying to lose weight for the past three years. And I haven’t done it. So why am I even going to put that out there as a New Year’s resolution or as a goal this year?” It’s important for us to understand why our goals failed in the past.

Prior to starting this podcast, I had created an online course for anxiety management and I spent about an entire year creating it, marketing it. I had Facebook ads and I had decided at some point, then I was going to shift gears and make it about panic attacks and to be more specific, switched a few things around and marketed more of that.

I will tell you that I spent a lot of time, energy and money on something that was an epic failure. I did not sell a single course, and most people would call that a major waste of time and money. It took me a long time, probably over a year to try something new and even longer to understand that I had to take this as a learning experience.

I needed to go back and dissect, understand why the course failed and figure out how to not make those errors again the next time I did something. Had I not taken that evaluation time, I would not have started the podcast ultimately. Setting goals or reevaluating what we did or didn’t accomplish last year is an important part of our process.

But we can’t just say, “Well, I failed. So I’m not going to be able to do it again.” We have to understand what failed in terms of my course, I did not have a public platform or a persona or an ability for people to know, like, and trust me to get to that point where they felt like I was the person that could help them manage their anxiety.

In the process of this failure, recovering from the failure, I started to just digest more podcasts, to understand marketing your ideal audience and how it works, how people connect with you via social media in different places. And trust me, I am no expert on any of this stuff because I’m continually also asking myself how we can grow the podcast. But there’s a lot that I’ve learned over the last few years since I had my epic failure of trying to sell that course.

So if you haven’t lost weight in the last few years and you’ve really wanted to, or you haven’t been able to stick to your budget in the last few years, and you’ve really wanted to, first of all, we’re going to have a couple episodes coming up on each of those things on anxiety surrounding finances, and really just how to get started in a fitness journey if that’s one of your new year’s resolution.

So I’m excited about those upcoming shows, but also just take some time to evaluate for yourself, “ Why did these goals fail? Was it because you didn’t have the support that you needed?” “Was it because there’s lies, maybe your limiting beliefs that you’re believing surrounding these issues? I mean, some people may believe, well, there’s just, “ Everyone in my family  is heavy and  is always going to be fat. So why bother trying to lose weight?”

 You may want to set a different goal for yourself. Maybe you want to set, instead of just focusing so much on weight loss, maybe you want to just say, “This year, I’m going to get in better shape and decide what better shape looks like. I’m going to be able to walk this far without getting wounded” or “ I’m going to be able to do this many sit-ups or this many push-ups by the next three months, six months

Sometimes those goals feel a bit more achievable than weight loss. And then we start to feel a little bit better about ourselves. One of the reasons I wanted to do a couple of shows around fitness and money is because people look at these two areas and they think, well, “ If I just create this plan, I should be able to execute it and go do it.”

However, a lot of times we have these emotional barriers. They get in the way of being able to do some of these things that we want to do. And that’s why that self-evaluation process is so important. And if you have a hard time self-evaluating, you may want to sit down with another person, a friend, somebody from the church, or it could even be a counselor.

You know, I have had people come in for emotional barriers to weight loss, and that’s some really good work that can be done in those areas. Going along with the fear of failures ,  sometimes we’re too hard on ourselves. We don’t achieve something and we can be our own worst critic. And there’s a lot of value in our society that we place on achievement, at least in American society that may be different in other parts of the world.

There’s this feeling that ,  like our worth is based on what we achieve or what we accumulate. Sometimes life just happens. You know what I mean? We’re not in control of all factors. There are things that we may not be able to achieve or goals we might not be able to complete because of situations outside of our control.  It is interesting because I was having a conversation with my friend, Erica.

And I said, “ You know, this year I’ve probably been the least productive that I’ve been in the last several years. It’s because I got pregnant and there’s all these different challenges that have come with pregnancy of being able to sleep at night and dealing with restless leg syndrome. And the first trimester,  I had morning sickness, which news flash has really like all day nausea.

It’s awful. And I’ve had to sleep a lot to get your extra rest. My perspective on it was like, well, I’ve been the least productive, her perspective on it was, well, Carrie actually you’ve been the most productive because this is a goal that you’ve wanted for yourself and your family. It’s just, the productivity looks very different, trying to take care of yourself and allow God to grow a tiny human in your body.

I’ve also been married for about a year and obviously time allocation is a lot different when you’re married than when you’re single. I remember being single and when I was creating that course specifically, I’d just stay at the office really late. Sometimes I do some extra work or I’d come home and I do more work.

And now, evenings are really important for me to have that time with Steve. And even if it’s just sit down and watch a little TV together. Eating dinner together and just talking about our day and how things are going. You may have had life changes, whether it’s getting married, having a baby moving across town.

I mean, there’s so many different things , getting sick. Maybe you got diagnosed with an illness this year, and you’re just not able to do as much as you were able to do before. And that’s okay. I would say really just be gentle on yourself. One thing I’ve had to realize is like I’ve had to lower the expectations for myself and know that just in this season, it’s okay to do that.

It’s okay to lower your expectations sometimes and go back to what is the simplest form of self care that I need to focus on right now, whether that’s getting enough sleep, eating well, whatever it is. I want us to talk about, “ Why are we even talking about goal setting on this podcast? Why is that important?”

It is important for us to set goals because if we don’t set goals or make efforts to change in this new year, we are going to end up in the same place that we ended up last year and stuck in the same patterns that we ended up in. And as Christians, we are partners with God in our own sanctification process.

What does that mean? Well sanctification, if you don’t know, it’s just basically a big word that means , becoming more like Christ and that’s after we’re saved, that’s our work as Christians, we don’t work to get saved. You know, salvation is by grace. But after we get saved, it is our job really, to partner with God in working out our salvation.

That’s what Philippians 2:12-13 tells us is, “To work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill His good purpose.” So we can’t do it all on our own. We have to work with God and rely on him. There’s another scripture, Ephesians 2:10 that says, “ Where we are, God’s handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. “ We have been prepared by God to do good things. And we need to sometimes examine and ask him and explore what are those good things God wants us to be doing in this year? And we can’t expect to grow as Christians, spouses, parents, employees, if we don’t take the effort to work on it, and you have the opportunity to create goals for different areas of your life.

So you may decide that you want to create some goals in the spiritual or ministry area. One of our goals one day is for Steve and I to go on a mission trip together that really has been thwarted by two things, one COVID and travel restrictions,and two me, getting pregnant as far as me being able to travel and so forth.

 Hopefully next year, at least maybe Steve will be able to go. That’s what we’re hopeful for, that things will have calmed down enough with COVID for him to be able to go on a mission trip. And then maybe in the future years, we’ll be able to go together to do that. We’ve also talked about becoming more involved in a local organization that’s near and dear to both of our hearts, which is called Isaiah 1:17 house.

And it’s not just in Tennessee, it’s in several states. I think mostly in the Southeast, but it is quickly expanding. If you want to look up Isaiah 1:17 house, they really provide food and temporary housing to kids that are coming into DCS custody, who just need a place to stay, or they need a meal until they can find them at the proper foster home for them to be in.

They are currently building the Isaiah one 17 house in our community, which we’re excited about, and it should be done early next year. So depending on how things fall with the orientation process or me having the baby, I may have to wait a little bit to get more involved, but that’s something is, I guess you could say is one of our ministry goals as a couple together.

You can create relationship goals that may look like having a date night. You know, in a prescribed like, time period, maybe we want to go on a date once a week or twice a month, just to kind of, depending on what your life circumstances are. Maybe you want to decide that you’d like to pray with your spouse together.

That’s something Steve and I have been doing more of this year and I definitely would like to continue that it’s just brought us closer to God and really closer to each other. You can set goals financially, maybe something that you’re saving for. Maybe you’d like to save for a house. Maybe you’d like to save for a family.

Maybe you’d like to pay off certain bills that you have, whether it’s a car or some credit card debt. That’s just kind of been out there lingering, I think at the beginning of this year, Steve and I had talked about paying off some bills that we had, and we definitely did a lot of home improvement type stuff.

So those were certainly in our goals, that house just been here for 10 years and it’s older than that. It just definitely needed some work and some investment this year. So we were able to do that actually are going to be able to pay off some bills that we weren’t necessarily expecting to pay off this year, like my car.

So very thankful and grateful for that new consent career goals for yourself. Maybe you’d like to move up into your company, maybe like to get some kind of new training or certificate program. Maybe you would like to go back to school. Really think through if there’s any career goals that you’d like to make. This year, I was able to be a part of a 16- week training program, combining EMDR and ego state therapy.

That was something that really boosted my career and that I’ve really enjoyed getting to know more about. I also took training on combining EMDR and OCD. That was super helpful. Next year I’d like to get trained in something in the EMDR community called, “ The flash and technique.”  I’m not as focused on career training next year due to having the baby, but I will have to get some CEU credits.

I shared this in Episode 50 with Steve. But one goal that I have for next year is financial and a career goal that really is for the podcast to be able to break even this past year. I’ve invested a lot of time and money from my counseling practice into building the podcast, paying for editing, paying for social media help with the website.

And we now have a Patreon set up for the podcast where you can become a monthly subscriber or patron of the show. You can receive some teachings and help on anxiety, real life activities that you can practice, go in there and practice them over and over again, until you get better at them to help with your thought life or just calming your physical body informational sessions in there on mindfulness and different things.

I’m very excited about this and also want it to be valuable for people who are looking for more self-help materials. Maybe you’ve been listening to the podcast for a little while and have gotten a lot out of it. Maybe you just entrusted in giving five to $10 a month, or maybe like to make a one-time gift. We have the ability through,  Buy Me a Coffee to make one-time gifts.

And if you’re interested in being a monthly subscriber, you can go to Patreon. And I’ll include links in the show notes for both of those. One of my goals for this year really that did not work out and fail was that I wanted to be able to sell a digital product. And I had created an ebook on finding a therapist, which I think I’m going to just go ahead and include that for the Patreon members.

It is for sale on the website. I really haven’t had any sales or traction from that. However, I have gotten some clients who have listened to the podcast and decided that they wanted to see me for therapy. So that’s been a good blessing, but I haven’t sold any digital eBooks or anything like that. I had originally thought about creating some downloads or creating a course.

And have decided really to move towards this subscription model, because I think it makes most sense for the podcast itself. If you disagree and want me to sell individual audio downloads on my website, definitely contact me through hopeforanxietyandocd.com. I’m very interested in seeing what self-help stuff people are looking for and how I can help you get that.

So much of entrepreneurship and podcasting is a lot of trial and error type work. Maybe that helps you or encourages you in your individual goals. The first thing that you try may not work out and that’s okay. You know, it’s okay to go back to the drawing board and say, “ Do I need to persevere through this? Work harder on it?”

Because sometimes we need to do that. Sometimes we actually need to stick with something and persevere, but there are other times where we have to evaluate and say, “ Okay, maybe that wasn’t the direction I needed to go in. Let me take a step back and figure it out. How can I go in a different direction?”

That’s going to be more helpful for myself this next year, in terms of goals for me is to really figure out what my work-life balance is related to being a mom and figuring out what the best schedule for myself and my infant is going to be trying to figure out childcare plans. It’s going to be a challenge for sure, but something that I feel ready to take on.

And I’m excited about just this new chapter and new season of life. I hope that this episode has really encouraged you to examine yourself, evaluate last year and really look forward to this new year and say, “ Okay, how can I make some helpful and meaningful goals for myself? How can I work through these fears that are getting in the way and the anxiety that’s getting in the way of me being the best self that I can be.” 

 And as Christians when we are the best self that we can be, that benefits the kingdom of God and also benefits the other people that we’re in relationship with in our lives for our story of hope, because I like to include one in every podcast. 

I wanted to give you guys a little bit of an update on Steve’s eye situation and the pain that he was experiencing. So we talked about that episode in Episode 50, about how there just wasn’t clarity surrounding what was causing this eye pain. And one of the things that was thrown out was you can go to physical therapy and try to work on this cranial nerve that runs from your neck and it runs behind the eyes as well.

Though, we had no idea that you could go to physical therapy for your eyes. However, he’s been going to benchmark physical therapy in Smyrna, and we are just so thankful for Kim over there who has been helping him. I am recording this in November and as of today, you know, he’s been in physical therapy for about a month and they’re expecting him to have to be in physical therapy for maybe another month and should be finishing up  by the end of November.

So certainly by the time this episode comes out, he has been making just amazing, great strides in physical therapy. It’s been helping reduce his eye pain that he was experiencing. Which feels like such a relief for us in just an absolute miracle answer to prayer from God. We are so very thankful. The journey has been really rough as we talked about in episode 50, but he seems to be getting better in terms of the eye pain.

There’s still a lot that we don’t know about the vision loss, but we place more peace about that because we always believed that the eye pain was somehow involved or causing his vision loss. And that doesn’t quite seem to be the case in his particular situation from just what we know right now. So this situation has given us a lot of hope that God does hear us, and He does answer prayers and He will leave us and guide us in getting the healing that we need.

And I believe that for you to whoever’s listening, if you are in need of healing physically or emotionally, spiritually, whatever you need, God is able to provide that for you. And He loves you so much. It may be a journey to receive that healing, but He’s going to be with you every single step of the way.

And please get some Christian communities around you as well. Who can love you and support you on that journey. I hope that we’re a part of that community for you. If you listen to our show regularly, I hope that you all had an amazing Christmas and blessings as we go into the new year. You can always contact us online anytime at www.hopeforanxietyandocd.com.Let us know what you’d like to see more of or what you’d like to see less of in terms of the show.

Hope for anxiety and OCD is a production of By the Well counseling in Smyrna, Tennessee. Our original music is by Brandon Mangrum and audio editing is completed by Benjamin Bynam.

Until next time. May you be comforted by God’s great love for you.

58. Using Humor for Anxiety with Sporty King

Today’s special is a certified humor professional, certified stress mastery educator,  master listener and author, Sporty King. Sporty talks about using humor as a coping tool for anxiety and other mental health issues.

  • Laughter is a part of humor but not a requirement. 
  • Sporty’s view on these two different extremes: people may take themselves too seriously or they may make everything a joke.
  • How Sporty became a master listener at the same time a public speaker
  • The healing power of laughter and the study of healthy humor
  • Helpful advice for those who mask their feelings with humor
  • How Sporty use humor to help people master their stress and anxiety
  • Does God have a sense of humor?

Related Links and Resources
 
Sporty King 

More Podcast Episodes

Transcript pf Episode 58

Carrie: Welcome to Hope For Anxiety and OCD. I’m your host Carrie Bock. And today on the show, we are talking with Sporty King, who is a Master Listener, Stress Master Educator, and Certified Humor Professional to talk with us about humor. I did not know prior to meeting Sporty that you could be a certified humor professional, but I find this very interesting and intriguing. And I think we’re going to get into a great conversation today. Even though you’re a public speaker, why would you say that you’re a master listener? That seems like a contradiction a little bit there. 

Sporty: Great and say that’s part of the beauty of life and humor is the contradictions. Listening is actually the number one communication skill.

So what happens is, we tend to hear people say that they’re motivational speakers, you know, they’re speakers, but the truth is you have to listen when you speak, you should be sharing. And so you share the information that went in and you’ll see then, later on I taught her some things that will really show you why I call myself the master of listening.

And, the reason I also came up with that moniker is instead of saying, I’m a master, a master of ceremonies, I’m a master of listening. I will listen throughout in a conference for instance, awards,  a banquet or whatever. And I listen to the things that people say, and then I do what I collect the words and then at the end, I will actually create a poem on the spot that grabs the spirit of what went on in that tribute or the conference as well. And so that’s why , another reason I call, the master of listening.

Carrie: Wow. That’s impressive. Poems on the spot. Awesome. You told me that laughter is a part of humor, but not a requirement. So tell us more about that. 

Sporty: Yeah, you see, humor is actually the quality that makes something amusing or laughable, whereas laughter is actually the biological reaction. So laughter is that outward expression of humor. So, you know, it’s just like we hear people say I got a good sense of humor. You can have a sense of humor and not actually not laugh, at all. Gosh, let me tell you this last batch that I just had earlier in my speaking business, a disease called R R F D

Carrie: Ok? 

Sporty: And it stands for reflex dystrophy or  Reflex, Dystrophy, Sympathy, RDS. And so I’m speaking to this group as I’m talking and I’m laughing and I’m talking. And about 10 minutes into the presentation, one of the persons in front of us said, “ Sporty”  because no one laughed while I’m talking.

And she said, “ I just want you to know that we are really enjoying you. But this disease is a cross between cancer and arthritis and actually laughing is painful sometimes.”  So it gives you another look at, when people talk about being speakers, we got to reach your audience and go with their moods. You can’t always do that because you don’t know, you know, someone who you think is looking stoic or uninterested may be the most involved, engaged person in your audience. But you don’t know whether to have a disease or what type of trauma they’re going through in their life that they are thinking about, so they, you know, say may not be responding the way you want them to.

So that’s just, you know, one of the early lessons I got in my speaking career, and I love it. 

Carrie: Somebody took a nap one time while I was speaking at a conference and I just figured that they really needed that nap at that time . I tried not to take any offense to it, but I was like, “ Man, this is rough here.” I wasn’t even after lunch or anything.

Sporty: See? Because that laugh at large you see from speaking after lunch, I’ll open the session by saying, “ Welcome to sleep therapy.” 

Carrie: Yeah 

Sporty: But, but yeah, maybe your voice was so calming that that allowed them to get that rest that they need. 

Carrie: There you go.

Sporty: Again, switching, switching things up.

Carrie: Yeah. One of the reasons that I wanted to talk about humor on a show that has to do with anxiety, is because I know somebody who’s tuning in right now going, “ Why in the world are they even talking about this on the anxiety show here?”

But I noticed that if people aren’t careful that they struggle with anxiety, they can really fall into two different traps. And one is, they may take themselves too seriously and they have a hard time just finding that sense of humor and maybe making light of some things that happen in our lives. I think that’s a skill that we all have to kind of develop to, I don’t know how to stay sane and get through some difficulties. But then on the other trap, they may make everything a joke and just kind of joke their way through life and avoid really diving into some of those difficult feelings they might actually need to feel. I’m curious about, you know, your thoughts on those two different extremes.

Sporty: So let’s jump right on that word you use twice, feelings. Say because the key is no emotion is wrong. And sometimes we have to recognize how you feel.  You should feel nervous . You should feel anxious.  You should feel excited. You should feel great. You should feel sad. No emotion is wrong. But the key is how do we choose to then deal with the emotion?

Like you say, “ I’m not taking myself too seriously?”  or “ Am I hiding how I feel with jokes?” I see anxiety and excitement as fraternal twins. We both recreate a reaction in the body of what’s about to come and how I’m going to perform. “ Am I being judged because we’re judging ourselves?”  All of that is there. We can just as quickly make it trivial, but the same way you say, “ Oh my God, I don’t think I’m going to do well. I’m feeling scared. I’m nervous.”  We can just as easily say, “ Man, I’m excited. I’m about to do a great job and make a difference in people’s lives.”  The brain doesn’t say, “ Oh, Siri here. That’s correct. That you’re nervous. You’re scared. Now the brain goes with what you are telling. Sometimes, like I said, it’s not necessarily going to be easy, but it’s a commitment. And so, if I’m taking myself too seriously, the key becomes the world throws around and that is truth, truth, and trust. You know, you’ve got to  be honest with yourself because sometimes , the people who take themselves too seriously, I think it is because they, they won’t let anybody else in who will say to them,  “ Hey, look, you’re doing this.” And then therefore now to  have a chance to correct it. 

Carrie: And sometimes humor, you know, requires a certain level of vulnerability because you don’t know, like, is the other person going to find this funny? Are they going to get it? Or they, you know, sometimes you’re dancing on that line of, they’re  going to be offended by the joke I just made or something of that nature too.

Sporty: Yeah, I’m a member of a, you mentioned my CHP, is it Certified Humor Professional. I’m a member of an organization called A  A T H and it’s just the “ Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor.”  We believe in the healing power of laughter, but also in the study of healthy humor . So say, you know, when you’re wondering, “ How is someone going to  react to this?” Well, flip that coin and , “ How am I going to deliver this?” 

Carrie: That’s good. So for people who use humor to like, hide their feelings, do you have any ideas or recommendations about how they might start to shift to that a little bit?

Sporty: It’s funny because I think when we, even, when we think about that humor style for most people, young and old, I think even a lot of young people know Rodney Dangerfield. And that was his style, just totally self-deprecating humor. You know, it’s funny when you have to figure out,

 “ Does he really feel that bad about himself or is he aware that sometimes the humor actually can trivialize and cut that anxiety down, make the anxiety? ”  No, you don’t have the best of me,  master of listening.

I’d like to use the English language and massage it. Right? So ,Hope as the name of your show. I hope it’s one of my, I call them my act formations because their acronyms,  that are affirmations  and my act formation for hope is, “ Having OverPowered Evil” . So therefore if you get into that state where you are, that to me, that’s how you can laugh in anxiety’s face.

“ Oh no, you can’t beat me.” See, we can beat. If our problems just popped up one at a time, we have no problem. We can beat them one at a time. 

Carrie: Sure, sure. That makes sense.

Sporty:  Yeah, the challenge is when they come in DRO and then we think that we can’t. And so now we backed out. I actually, I know I want to round the field on that, but I take that back to where I’m saying a person, who’s making a joke.

That could be a way of standing up to their anxiety and saying, “ You know what? Hey, I’m not going to take it that seriously. I am going to get through this and see things come out in a positive vein for myself.”

Carrie: I know sometimes when you look back on a situation, not when you’re in the middle of it and you’re anxious and you’re in the middle of it and you’re worried and you’re anxious.

It feels so real. And like, it feels like that bad thing really is going to happen. But sometimes after you’ve had some time and distance from it and the bad thing didn’t happen, you can look back and it can be funny. It’s like, “ Oh wow! I can’t believe I was so worried . I was so convinced that that thing was going to happen and actually it just never happened. “

Sporty: Self-fulfilling prophecies. When we decide bad it’s going to happen. We just need to wait for it to catch up. Even if you think, look at comedians, the best jokes are the truths. They don’t make a lot of those things up. 

Carrie: Sure. Yeah. Absolutely. You are also working with people who are, uh, you know, coming back from deployments or are getting ready to go on a deployment with the military. And that’s some of where you use the stress mastery education. I’m curious, how do you help people use humor to help master their stress?

Sporty:  My form of using it is similar to what I, what I did with the HOPE thing. I call it controlling your vocabulary, rather than allowing your vocabulary to control you. See ,if we can put all of the stuff together that I talked about, the AATH, stress mastery that the act formation controls your vocabulary. And if you decide that I’m going to have a positive vocabulary, it actually helps you again, because your brain is going to go with whatever you say and you tell your brain,  “ Hey, we’re in a great situation right here. We’re not anxious and nervous. We’re excited.” And in fact, one of the biggest examples, people are afraid of public speaking. They get up there and they say, “ Oh my God! What if I screw up?”And you know, “ What, if I knocked my notes over?”,  you know? So they come up with all of these reasons and no one’s going to pay attention and you could just as easily. And again, I used the word easily, but I never ever realized. You can say, “ Man, when I get up here and I start talking, I am going to knock the shoes off of these people.”

Okay. So you can, I saw this on TV. So now all I have to do is be the hero that I saw giving this speech on TV because you’ve been asked to speak. So sometimes we erase the gift in favor of the challenge. And so you’ve been asked to speak that that was a gift to you instead of you accepting what has been given to you, you decide, but I’m not the right one.

Hey,  sounds like,  “ Bows this to me, you know?” ,  I mean. 

Carrie: Not me. I don’t think I can do this task. Yeah. I mean, that leads into my next question, which is, “ Do you believe God has a sense of humor?” 

Sporty: Absolutely do. And I think that if you believe in God, think you kind of have to, because if you believe in what’s, the premise of, of us is that we’re made in God’s image.

So if we are made in God’s image, we have the characteristics of God. Therefore, our sense of humor is a characteristic of God’s . We are the living sense of humor of God. 

Carrie: Yeah. That’s awesome. Absolutely.

Sporty:  I’ll check with Him on that by the way. 

Carrie: You’ll, you’ll ask Him. We had a funny experience in our household this week, actually. We sat down to pray at the dinner table and my husband’s no sooner as he gets,  “ Dear God”, out. Then we started to hear this music and it’s like, uh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. And we’re like, “ What in the world is that?” The ice cream truck was passing by like right at the time where he goes to pray. And it was like trying to pray the pop goes the weasel ,  just doesn’t doesn’t quite seem right. But it was just so funny, the timing of that happening, and we very rarely get ice cream trucks that pass by here. So at first we didn’t quite even know what it was. Like, “ What is that noise? And we just started laughing at the table. It was good. I know that there have probably been times in your life. Has there been a time where you.

Look at something and maybe you said, “ No, I’m not going to do that.”  Or, you know, “ I don’t really think that’s what I should be doing.”  And then next thing you know, God like,  somehow leads you in that direction in some kind of roundabout way. And you ended up doing that thing that you didn’t think you were going to be doing?

Sporty: Uh, there’s a novel, right? One of, even first, which is talking about prayer, I would like to connect that to humor. One of the things like, for instance, I was a master of listening at an event , that was a fundraiser and they asked me to do the invocation. That was on the board and this way back, and I was known for my zaniness.

So I get up to the mic and I say, “ God, It’s me again, Sporty and my board members held their breakfast like, “ What is he doing?” And I said, “ And I’m glad to say I’m in a room full of other people who, you know, by first name. And see? So there is humor that does not require this crack up laughter. God, again, God has a sense of humor. So you, you don’t always have,  I don’t believe you always have to have this big reverent prayer to God, as much as you have to talk to God. And let him know that, you know how you feel because He knows.

Carrie: Sure. Absolutely.

Sporty: Pop goes the weasel. Okay. We’ll pass the potatoes and share the gravy. Make sure you pray first. 

Carrie: That was pretty good. 

Sporty: There it is. As these things happen in our lives, you’ve got to see the funny. You don’t always have to be funny to see the funny,

Carrie: Yeah. 

Sporty: So, even as you’re talking about the one thing, I mean, God, like I said, there’s a million things that I said I wouldn’t do. In fact, one of them, I’m doing one of them right now.

And that is, I live in Charlotte. I’m a native New York. I worked in corporate America, 18 years. I worked at the Wall Street Journal. I started as a messenger and when I retired, I was an advertising sales manager. But the reason I say that is because while I was there, I said to myself, “ I’ll never leave the Wall Street Journal.”

Carrie: Yeah. I am gonna retire here. 

Sporty: Yeah. And, “I’ll never leave New York. “ Well, they transferred me from New York to Maryland. When they promoted me to a sales rep, then they transferred me  from Maryland to Chicago when they promoted me as a sales manager. And then when I retired and decided to be an entrepreneur, I moved myself to Charlotte.

But somebody, even when I first relocated from New York to Maryland, my boss was so surprised that I was even interested in the position when it was open, when I went in to him and  he was like, “  Really? You would leave New York?”

Carrie: That’s funny. 

Sporty: So that may not be a huge example, but in all of that, what is also where at that time, when I started to journal, I didn’t have a great sense of spirituality to myself. I was just living the way I once lived.  I wasn’t reckless on anything, you know, but I didn’t really connect. And I think this is sometimes a challenge for people. I didn’t really connect to my spirituality ‘til about 38 years old. And where I, like we talked about earlier in retrospect, when, when I was in Maryland, North Carolina was my sales territory and I stood on a corner in Charlotte and I said, “ I like it here. I think I’ll move here one day.”  25 years later, is actually when I moved here, but I had that conversation with myself in 1985 and then it was, so I must’ve been probably  20, 28. And then, because it was when I was 38, that I was able to look back and see that that was my first conscious conversation with God.

And even when I moved to Charlotte in 2010, people said, “ Goodness, you took 25 years? “  I said , “ No, I use 25.” And again, just change…

Carrie: Changing the words. Yeah. 

Sporty: Now you look at it. 

Carrie: Absolutely. Yeah, that’s awesome. I know I was just batting around some different ideas with one of the counselors in our office one day. And we were talking about, I said, “ You know, I want to do a little bit more than therapy.”  I’m enjoying what I’m doing, but I think I just needed a challenge. I needed something like kind of to keep me more fresh and new. I said, “ Maybe I’ll write a workbook, you know, for people with anxiety or maybe I’ll work on some self-help type stuff, as well. “ Why don’t you start a podcast? And I was like, “ A podcast, like what?” And I was like, “ No.”  I was like, “ I just, I don’t know what I would talk about if I started a podcast.”  And now we’re over 50 episodes in. So I guess I didn’t run out of things to talk about. But I look back on that and I think that’s God’s sense of humor. Like God knew that I was going to end up taking this path and falling along here. And I’ve enjoyed it so much.I enjoy meeting people and talking with them and having all kinds of great conversations. And I learned a lot and other people learned a lot too. So it enriches me and enriches other people.

Sporty: Do it so smoothly. I mean, I love how things reconnect. It takes us right back to what we talked about, where you have to accept again.Rather than look at it as you know. Oh no, I’m not going to write a podcast. Excuse me, Carrie.  I’d like you to write a podcast.

Carrie: And sometimes people see things in you. Like we need those other people outside of ourselves to speak the positive things into our life or the gifts that they see that God has given us.

We’ve talked about this on the show before, but it’s like, it’s important to like, for us to be in community with people who are able to kind of call some of that out sometimes and say, “ Hey, you know, I see this in you. Have you ever thought about that? “  I mean,  that in itself is a blessing for sure. 

Sporty: Yeah. And you know, it takes me back to what we were saying about anxiety, people taking themselves too seriously. How I help people deal with stress. One of the main things, other than telling them, you know, control your vocabulary, do not compare yourself to someone else. 

Carrie: That’s huge.  Very huge. Nothing will rob you of your joy and peace and all of that more than comparing yourself to other people. I really believe that.  Everyone is on their own journey and their own path. And unfortunately, I think someone said this and I don’t remember who it was, but it’s like, “ We used to only compare ourselves to the people that we knew, the people that were around us and in our inner circle.” And now we can compare ourselves to anybody in the world. We just get online, get on social media. And it’s rough, it’s hard.

Sporty: In fact, even with my New York roots, one of the ways that I keep myself grounded, crazy things go on and I will say, “ You know what? This has been going on all along. We didn’t know it.”

Technology has, this is a part of, this is what technology did.  Put new stress and anxiety into our life because now we have more information that we didn’t have before. So that whole thing of a simple life that’s gone 

Carrie: You’re Amish.

Sporty: Yeah. There’s a joke that you cannot or can make . Is it a striking joke?  It’s not. It’s one of those, they are proud of what they do. And I say, Therefore. Yeah, that’s right. That’s the thing. And, I didn’t know what was going on in California, so I didn’t have to care about it. And so now, like you say, you’re on all this technology and you’re modeling yourself out of somebody who you don’t even know their real, true persona, because who they’re showing you on the screen may totally be the opposite of who they are.

Carrie: Right.

Sporty: One of my favorites when I do my presentations and I’m talking about stress, cause I always say, if you don’t like the way things are changed, the way you look at them. And I open that with a slide that shows a jail cell and empty jail cell and the caption is she met him on the internet. He said “ He lived in a closed community.”

Carrie : Oh my goodness. That’s a closed community. Maybe not what you thought. Tell us how people can find you and get in touch with you. 

Sporty: Sportyking.com. It has all of my connections to all of the social media.  I’m on LinkedIn, Twitter, Instagram, “ Fussbook” . That’s what I call a Facebook because everybody’s just complaining. 

Carrie: My dad has come to call it,  “ Face lift” ,  and he’s not on there, but that’s what he likes to call it is facelift. I don’t know why. 

Sporty : But also, I might say, at Sportyking.com, I do three audio broadcasts a week. So similar to you. It’s a podcast. Well, Monday I do a quick 2-minute Inspirational message.  Wednesdays,  I do one of my Wednesday messages is called GLUE Wednesday, and my glue is G L U E. God’s Love Undoes Everything where I’ll, I’ll talk about how we have to recognize that Wednesday is not hump day.

Wednesday is actually the middle of a traditional seven-day week that keeps things together. So we don’t need to honk. We don’t need to get over it. We need to find ways to keep it together. So again, just playing on words and bringing the calm. And then Friday, I call it a GIFT Friday and gift,  G I F T , to God Is For Today.

You know, because everybody says,  T G I F but I, I say, well, “ TGIT, Thank God is Today.”  And , “ Thank God Is Tonight.” Let’s make sure that we recognize that God is for today. Do you know what you took when you talked about it  earlier about how, when you’re going through something and you’re in the middle, poetry is how I started my speaking business.

And I wrote a poem called, “ How far is the middle?” Because see, we don’t really know when we’re in the middle, because we don’t know when that situation starts and or when it’s going to end, it’s going to end, right?

Carrie: Yeah. That’s huge.

Sporty:  So you’ll find those three broadcasts on it and people can subscribe to them.

It’s free. In fact, you don’t even have to subscribe. You just want to watch one and enjoy it. That’s fine. You have options. 

Carrie: So towards the end of every podcast, I like to ask our guests to share a story of hope, which is a time where you’ve received hope from God or another person. 

Sporty: That one is actually very easy for me. It’s the hope of how He has allowed me to, to handle grief. When my mother died, I was the one in the room with her to see her take her last breath. I had to turn that and I was able to turn,  flip it very easily, actually. And that’s again, that’s the gift of God.  I said, “  You know, I’m the only one in the family that could have handled this.”

Yes, I was torn apart and yes, I went through my whole crying bit and everything like that, but I had said, you know what? And my sister and I had just switched changing of the guard. Who’s turned. Was it the watcher? Uh, about an hour ago, my sister would’ve lost her mind. But I had to see that as the gift that God gave me, even though your listeners can’t see it right now, you know, I’ve got on a shirt that says faith and faith is F A I T H Feeling As If There’s Hope,  recognizing that the only thing you cannot do is give up.

And that’s what God has constantly allowed me to feed into my life and then share with other people’s lives. In fact, let me do a quick thing with you. I want you to answer me. This is a cliche. This is what I would say. Also control your vocabulary. This is a cliche and I want you to finish it. Okay. All right.

“ When one door closes…”

Carrie: Another door opens.

Sporty: Good. But now the Sporty King remix, “ When one door closes, go for the windows”

Carrie: There you go. Don’t wait for the other door to open.

Sporty: That’s right. ‘ Cause it may not be your door. And what we do is we have to recognize that, they’re using more doors than they are windows in a room.

And once you see what you have to choose from, once you make better choices in life, see that, that’s why I say the cliches. We gotta be careful of those cliches and the comparison of ourselves to someone on the other side of the world, because they’re saying things that may not apply to what’s going on in our lives.

So really be careful about that, but definitely go for the windows. You get another chance. To make one more choice because each of us does. And my closing comment is that, “ We do the bravest thing that we can do every day and that is lay our heads down and go to sleep.”  

Carrie: Yeah, that’s good. I really appreciate this conversation and I know that our listeners do too as well, so thank you for being on the show.

Sporty: Thank you so much. 

Carrie: Just a reminder, no episode next week for Christmas week, but I hope that you have an amazing Christmas holiday celebrating with family, friends, church, community. We’re going to be back the last week of December to talk about new year’s resolutions and goals. And then I have several interviews coming out in the beginning of the year that I think you’re going to enjoy.

If you would ever like to give a gift to the podcast, you can find out how to do so. In our show notes.  We have a subscription through Patreon and we also have one-time gifts that can be given through, “ Buy Me A Coffee.”  All of that money really helps to go towards editing. Our social media is assisting to support us, continuing to be able to do the show.

Thank you so much to those who have supported us.

Hope for Anxiety and OCD is a production of By The Well Counseling in Smyrna, Tennessee. Our original music is by Brandon Mangrum and audio editing is completed by Benjamin Bynam.

Until next time. May you be comforted by God’s great love for you.

57. Parenting A Teen in Crisis with Aaron Huey

Aaron is a parent coach for parents of kids at risk and the host of a parenting podcast called Beyond Risk and Back.  Aaron shares with us his valuable insights on parenting a teen in crisis and his own journey of recovering from addiction.

  • How did Aaron get involved in working with teens?
  • Common issues within the families Aaron has worked with
  • What are the causes of drug abuse and other dependency issues among teens?
  • Reasons why being a teenager is hard today
  • Some common things that loving parents do that aren’t helpful for their children, especially children going through a crisis
  • Helpful parenting tips and advice 

Related Links and Resources:

Aaron HueyBeyond Risks and Back
Parenting Teens That Struggle

More Podcast Episodes

Transcript of Episode 57

Carrie: Welcome to Hope for Anxiety and OCD Episode 57. I am your host Carrie Bock, and you have been listening to our show for a while, you know that one of the things that we talk about are healthy relationships . And today, I’m very excited to have Aaron Huey on the podcast talking about Parenting Your Teen in Crisis.

Aaron is a podcast host of Beyond Risk and Back. And he also coaches parents with teens who are in deep crisis. And, he is going to give us some examples of some situations that he’s walked parents through, who have very challenging situations with their teenagers. Welcome to the show. 

Aaron: Carrie, thank you so much. I loved having you as a guest on mine, and I’m really honored to be on yours. Thank you.

Carrie: How did you get involved in working with teens and parents?

Aaron:  Well, it started way back, I was one of these teens and being in crisis for me meant living the life of experiencing being abandoned by my biological father. I was bullied mercilessly in school.

I was sexually assaulted when I went to acting school after high school. And these things led me to utilize weed and alcohol and LSD as a maladaptive coping strategy. I just did not want to feel the pain that I was going through. And I, I, the way I say it was this, “ When I was high, I was happy when I was sober, I was suicidal.”

So I had a lot of beautiful, loving people telling me, “ You got to get sober. You have a kid, you have to work.” But I didn’t have the language to say to them, “ When I’m sober, I’m ready to die.” And having had some near, some close calls as a child with my suicidality, I was very afraid of dying.That led and the, in my moment of sobriety, my, my moment of grace,my intimate communion with Divine love and forgiveness on May 21st, 1998,  set me on a path of that 12-Step in recovery, which is bringing the message of hope to people who still struggle. 

I was running a kids’ camps in the years afterwards, and a teen rites of passage program, and we had a parent. The other thing that I was doing was driving around Boulder, Colorado on, on Friday nights and Saturday nights, picking up teenagers who had contacted me saying, “ I don’t want a party this weekend.I want to go to a meeting.” So the parents would say, “ Yes, take my kid to a meeting.”  And so I would go to 12 Step meetings on the weekend evenings. I ran a martial arts school during this time.  And I had a parent who just called me one day and said, “ Can my kid just live with you?” And yeah, and my wife and I discussed it and it wasn’t that they had a bad relationship. It’s just that at home, this kid just kept spinning sideways, no matter what they tried and spun out. The motivation was not working. So could we just create a whole new environment? So we took this kid in. That mom told her sister who told her friend and that friend called us and said, “ Can my kid come live with you?”

And we said, “ Yes.”  And a week later, Carrie, we had six boys and four on a wait-list. It was literally like we were being told what to do. And we, you know, you, you have to listen. And the 12 Step decrees that you say, “ I am here to give hope to the addict that still struggles.” But right away I saw it was the whole family.

Patch Adams was a mentor of mine at a very early I mean,  for a very short time, but he said, “Your grandmother doesn’t have Alzheimer’s. Your family has it . Treat the family.”

And so right away, even at the very beginning, when we were just this sober home model, the kids doing martial arts with me, going to meetings, heading to the gym, doing family meals and them, doing online school, just restructuring the day with a lot of love and more love.

And when they did angry, risky things, we tried to find love and communicate love until they took over the work of love. Loving themselves so much that they fit the pot. And, right away, we started in on the fans. And that was the key to our success. The more we did the work, the more people wanted to do the work with us.

We started taking in interns, we started taking insurance. We moved to a huge, you know, 16,000 square foot lodge on 40 acres and staff housing. Everything like that. And we became one of the top treatment facilities in the United States, highest success rate, top 50 healthcare provider award in 2019, and then 2020 top 100 innovators of healthcare.

And, 13 days ago, I closed down the facility because insurance companies decided that my property was a high risk property. And my property insurance went from $20,000 a year to $470,000 a year. And we were utterly devastated that the insurance company would not be supportive of a childcare facility that had the success that we had.

So, in 13 days we closed it down. I’m continuing my work with families and parents and doing parent intervention and working with teens. But, we found that our success did not come from the work we did with the teens. We did good work. We did cool, cool stuff. We work with wolves. We were very art-focused. We were very unique. Holistic.

 We would get our own 12 steps. Like, we had a good kids’ program, but the work we did with parents, no one else did to the level that we did it. Our intervention on parents is where our success came from. So that’s what I’m going to continue doing. Moving forward is how can I help parents keep their kids out off jails institutions and Morkes, 

Carrie: That’s absolutely so true from my experience as a counselor and I used to work with children and teens, oftentimes, we would see teens go to residential centers and the parents didn’t engage in counseling. They maybe had like one weekend or something of that nature for parents.

And then the kids went right back into that environment and the whole cycle started over again. So absolutely, it is important to address a whole family in these types of situations. 

Aaron: Here’s the thing, I, the way we would explain it was like this to parents, because they would want to come in and say, “ Fix my kid.”, drop their kid off, to pick them up in four months and everything the kid was doing, they’re not doing anymore. And everybody’s happy. 

Carrie: Sure. 

Aaron: Number one, the moment your happiness is based upon the actions of someone else, you are in survival mode. Because that is how lizards think,” If only the Hawk would stop hunting, I could bake and warm myself on the rock. Right. But the Hawk didn’t. These kids are not making bad choices. They are expressing the language of the entire family out loud, their confusion, their distress, and the trauma becomes their language. Their behavior is their language. So to think that if a child changes what they’re saying, everybody’s going to be happy means that we’re not actually listening to what they’re saying.

Number two, at home, let us just say everybody in the family is speaking. When a child goes to treatment, we’re going to teach them the language of recovery. Let us call it Spanish. And so the child becomes fluent in recovery language, in Spanish. Now the Spanish speaking child comes back home to an English speaking family.

What do you think the child has to do to survive the family dynamic? They have to go back to their old language. If the parents don’t change the language, then the child’s language will change back to the parents’ language. The parents have to change the moment a child, let me say that word again, child, is responsible for the happiness in the home for the self-care in the home ,for the harmony of the home is the moment the parents have lost control of the whole.

Carrie: Give us an idea of some of the issues that the families are facing that you’ve worked with.

Aaron: It’s a broad subject, but I can tell you, the teens are expressing the distress, the trauma, the dis ease through the mental health issues through self-harm through video game dependency, social media dependency through drug use, whether or not people think that cannabis is a drug.

It does change brain chemistry. You can, it does all the research shows that it does. Is it heroin? Absolutely not. And I’m sure you are working as a counselor, you’ve seen, I have never, in 20 years of working with a kid who is struggling with drugs or any dependency issue, I have never not found trauma. Not once. 

Carrie: That’s huge.

Aaron: There’s always trauma. Understanding trauma is a key for parents in this, because we will always find trauma with mental health issues, co-occurring with dependency issues. Self-harm is a dependency issue. When kids are cutting, it follows the exact same cycles as someone who is using it. So,  as a facility, we specialized in dual diagnosis and we were trauma engaged . We will always look for the trauma and any parent that says, “ But my kid has none.”,  has two things going on.

Number one, parents go online and take the ACE quiz, ACE Adverse Childhood Experiences. Do it for yourself and do it for your kids because you will find a root and those roots create the fruits. It is not a kid’s bad choices. I hate that term bad choices that families are struggling with. It’s the risky choices that children, teens are making, and that’s the fruit.

And you cannot pluck a fruit and demand the tree gives you a different fruit. You have to go to the roots. Epigenetics is the root. Your own trauma is the roots. The divorce you had, which may be you and your ex are best friends. It’s still a little T trauma. It could be a big T trauma to your kid. So what we see in families, parents always want to avoid, you know, the therapist sitting down and saying, “ Tell me about your mother.”,  because nobody wants to be blamed for their children.

But, if there is a failure point in the family system, we cannot expect the child to fix it. 

Carrie: Yeah. I think that there’s an element there where school systems and bullying, and it’s how we handle those things as parents, I think is important, you know, trying to make sure that your child has a positive educational environment.

It is very easy for children to just get labeled as a bad kid. Like, they’re non-compliant, they’re not cooperative, they’re not doing what they’re supposed to do. They’re difficult, You know, they’re the strong-willed child, whatever you end up labeling them as, and then it taints everyone’s view and interaction of them from that moment forward.

And that happens in all of those systems that you talked about.

Aaron: Well, I know, I mean, so much of this has to do with us stepping back from the results. And the actions that the child is taking and the results that they’re getting, which are less than favorable results and step back, and look at systemic failure. Regardless of what end of the political spectrum you are on, I bet that 99% of us believe that the political system has failed. We all share a common belief , that the education system has failed. Now, I’m not saying teachers. Teachers are warriors. They do it for the outcome, not the income, anybody who does it for the outcome, not the income : soldiers, ER, nurses, teachers. These are the warriors of our society

Carrie:  Absolutely.

Aaron: And are really doing it for the right reason. But the system, the political system, the military system, the things that these people are working under, have failed our children. The healthcare system has failed our children and our families. These are massive systems.Now take another step back , and look at how we are sitting in the midst of a global pandemic. A belief that the air you breathe, the people you love. If they touch you or breathe near you, it could kill you. And in America, 700,000 people have died from being breathed on. This is a level of fear and failure that we are living with that I have to ask the question, “ Does anybody feel safe? Can you, do you feel safe walking outside?” We were told that violence is on the rise. Suicides on the rise. Drug use is on the rise. People are standing in the streets, screaming at each other. Nobody thinks they’re on the wrong side of history or the wrong side of the spectrum. Nobody thinks they’re the bad guy and our own backyards are filled with weeds that need away.

And we’re wondering why 25% of the children ages 13 to 17 are displaying clinical anxiety issues. This is the result of systemic failure. Now, labeling kids bad because of how they’re handling, leaving a child bad because of how they’re handling systemic failure,something that they have no recourse to change. How do we allow ourselves as adults to say that, “ Kids are making bad choices?” when what we see with adults is systemic failure.

Carrie: I think that leads kind of into the next question is, “ We have more and more teens that are facing severe mental health issues. Do you feel like it’s harder to be a teen today than when you and I were growing up?” I mean, there’s different challenges with social media and all of that.

Aaron: You know, this is, this is such a powerful question because it is something and I love Facebook. And as a gen X-er and being connected to the gen X and the boomer communities and having millennial kids and working with the younger generation, the  I gen, or the gen Zs, there is a belief that these kids are somehow less resilient than we are.

That somehow these kids don’t know how to pull-up by their bootstraps. There are a few points we have to look at. Number one, psychoanalysts, and psychologists are saying that there’s a truth to that, but that’s environmental.  It is like, there’s an environmental poison that is affecting it,  that we have to take a look at.

So what are these environmental poisons that are making these children less resilient than we are? Number one, we, in the past 20 years, the research on trauma, pretty much indicates that the gen X generation and the boomer generation are walking wounded, that we are traumatized. We have denied it, compartmentalized it and buried it.

And our parenting reflects that we have not addressed our own issues. Right. We still think therapy is for crazy people. And then our children are crazy for needing it and it’s just flat out wrong. Trauma is much, PTSD is much more prolific and prominent than we ever thought. 

Understanding things like autism and ADHD and OCD and anxiety and depression, really understanding this, has led a lot of adults to go, “Oh, well, I’m depressed.” Like, “ Yeah.” You are like, “ We’ve all had to live with it. How about you go do something about it?”  So that’s number one. It’s that we know more and it looks like these kids are being affected by it. We are just treating them for it. Number two, can you remember when you were in elementary school? You know, I mean really, really young age and or middle school or even high school and the last time, that was the very last one in primary school where you had to practice a live shooter drill?

This is something that we didn’t have to deal with. And if you watch the videos of what just took place in Texas, that the kids were filming with their phones, watching the police, open the door and say, everybody hands up, we’re knocking down your barricade. And ,  they pushed the barricade over , three policemen walked into a classroom with fully automatic weapons, fully loaded, fully armored, saying, “ Is everybody okay?”

And when you hear the children go, “ Yeah”  you hear the trauma. 

Carrie: Right 

Aaron: Because someone opened fire in the school. We didn’t have to live with that. Number three, the anarchy of the internet. Can you imagine, as a child having full and total access, uncontrolled library cards,  limitless borrow to the library of Alexandria.?

Everything. The sum total of human knowledge is available to our children in their pockets and 30% of it is pornography. Can you imagine a library with 30% of that library, those books were pornographic and the other 70% was everything else. That’s the internet. So we have all those things . And now we’re going to call the children less reserved?

We are going to call them, but they need to just buckle down. You know what? They did not ask for the ribbon for participation. They did not ask for a graduation ceremony from second to third grade when we had to wait till we were in high school, you know, who is giving it to them? The adults. 

Carrie:Right.

Aaron:  We can not say that they’re more fragile. If we treat our children like glass, they will grow up breakable. And when we do not pay attention to the cracks, they will shatter. So this cannot be something that we look at the children, we go, “ You should be better.” We have to look at the adults and go, “You should do better.” And that’s hard. We don’t want to hear that.

We love our kids and we are trying our hardest and we are working with what we have that got us here. You want to get there, you have to do something different. And I say, “ I’m not going to call you enabling. I’m not going to say you’re codependent.”  I’m going to say , “ Everything we did as parents got us to this point, what can we do differently to get away from this?” That’s the work.

Carrie:  I’m sure there are plenty of parents out there that feel like, you know, they’re doing a good job and I wonder what are some common things that you see, maybe well-meaning parents do that are not helpful for their children, especially children going through a crisis or trauma?

Aaron:  Well, what a beautiful question, Carrie. And I’ll say I,  although I had a completely absent biological father, I had an amazing dad who adopted me when I was four years old. And I got to say, my mom was extremely progressive. She had great ideas. She was a good mom. She was a work at home mom. She was head of the HOA and the theatre. She was active in our community. She was a late J league leader and a late J league instructor trainer. So she was constantly teaching other women in the community to support them and being modeled. My dad was a hardworking businessman in the community who was respected and he was an amazing dad. I had incredible parents And I bet that bottle of vodka in their liquor cabinet to this day, because it’s the same one that was there when I was a kid, is still half water because I replaced it.

You have to understand that one of the mistakes we make as parents is no matter how good we do, your kids are still affected by other environments and traumas. Your kids are still affected. It’s hard with parents who have adopted their kids, just have given you everything except parents who’ve adopted kids.

You haven’t given them their biological parents. And if you don’t understand the wound that that creates, then you will never understand that it won’t matter how much love and support you give them. You cannot fill that void. You are not designed to. That means a different kind of work than you’re doing.

So that’s one thing, is thinking that somehow it’s something that we’ve done or not done is the root. And we go through the list of all the good things we’ve done and say, “ I don’t understand. You’re just acting out.” “ What are you acting out for?” Second, is that parents don’t really do the education about mental health.

When kids are dealing with anxiety and depression, you have to understand, that this is not about willingness. This is about capability. Depression is not a feeling. It cannot be solved by getting up and going jogging. It can be solved by getting up and going jogging every day for 90 days. That can be the beginning of the solution, but we also may need pills, it’s pills and skills.

But the mistake we make is thinking that this depression is an attitude and actually depression is a description of brain chemistry. The brain’s functioning is depressed. The brain is depressed, not the emotion. The emotions are sad, and hopeless. The brain’s chemistry is depressed. Anxiety is not an attitude.

It’s a response from the amygdala when the environment matches the picture of a trauma. And so it sets off an alarm in the body and the body goes into shutdown mode. And understanding this, understanding why your kid is attracted to cannabis, understanding why your kid is attracted to cutting and what’s going on in the brain.

That’s the work. It’s not we punish because we think it’s about willingness. 

“ My kid’s just not willing.” I have to wonder if our kids are not capable because we’re punishing their inability to do something. We are making it worse. And that’s one thing that I see as good parents, mistake capability for willingness.

Carrie: Right.

Aaron: Second thing I see, good parents do is, the moment the kid starts spinning out, the kid becomes the focal point. The kid becomes the patient of the family. And so, mom and dad are talking, mom and  X are talking,  dad and XR talking, the other siblings are talking, aunts and uncles are brought in on the situation because dad’s on the phone with his mom and saying, my kids just blowing sideways and mom’s telling dad’s sister.

And then everybody gets together for Christmas. And there’s this tiptoeing around this kid. Who’s struggling and they feel it on a psychic level and the child becomes the patient. And everybody says, “ This child needs to change energetically, psychically or verbally out loud.” This child, all of a sudden, is the black sheep of the family.

When, in truth, the parent changed the dialogue to say, “ This family is struggling with depression and is really hard on little Johnny.” “ This family’s dealing with anxiety.” “ This family is dealing with self-harm issues and we’re all doing our work,  and everybody does their work and everybody recovers.” And we say to the kid, “ Hey, we’re all going into recovery. We know this is not just about you.”,  that you are actually talking the family language out loud. Have that courage as a parent to say., “You’re speaking the family language out loud and you’ve shown us a lot of things that we could do differently. And we didn’t know how to do it differently, but because of you and because of how you’re going through the struggle, we’ve realized we all have to make some changes.So we’re in and we’re with you and we’re together.”

Carrie: I liked that. I interviewed someone recently who had a spouse that went into the psychiatric hospital and she shared her story about how that really triggered up some of her own stuff. And she went to therapy to help herself and also figure out how she could support herself.

But she knew that she had to put on her own oxygen mask first. And I imagine it’s similar with parents like,they have to be willing to read the books about, you know, depression, get some help, read some materials, learn different styles of communication, whatever it is, like you said, doing their work as well. And then, being able to communicate to that, to your teenager, I think is so powerful to say like,  “ Hey, I’m in this with you. I’m learning new things. I know that I don’t have it all together.”

 I think that that vulnerability as a parent is really powerful.

Aaron: It’s amazing Carrie, because you have perfectly demonstrated the trap we fall into as parents about avoiding the work and thinking that, you know, reading the book about depression so that we can help our children, is the work. That’s actually the third thing you do. That’s not the first. Right. And I love that you said that because that is the first thing we all gravitate to. “ My kids got anxiety.” “I better get online and learn about anxiety.” And we study and we print out articles and we call our, our spouse and we call our moms and we dig and we, we give the article to our children. We are still making the child first. We are still totally and solely focused on this child. The first thing we do as parents when our children starts to struggle, if we find out God forbid, we find out that something has happened to our daughter or our son, and they have been sexually assaulted, they are being bullied at school, the first thing we do is like, “ What can I do for them? “ And we think that’s good parenting. Well, what we forget is that when our child has a suicide attempt, we are traumatized. 

Carrie: Right. 

Aaron: And, when we are traumatized because of something that happened to our kid or something that our kid does, they steal the car, they wreck it, they total it, the police show up and they are smashed out of their mind on drugs. And we had no idea they were even using it. You are traumatized. Now, what you’re doing is parenting from that place.

And when we are traumatized, what happens? We stopped sleeping. Well, we stopped eating well. We stopped drinking water. We stopped moving our bodies and we stopped breathing on purpose. And if one of those things slips, if one of those things goes away, the other four will follow because it is a domino of biology.

The moment. I am not sleeping the moment I am not eating. Right. My blood sugar levels are crashing up and down. I have coffee because it’s morning.I  don’t eat until one o’clock and I have a total sugar crash. Shall I eat? And what am I craving? I’m craving something. That’s going to jack my energy right back up.

So, it’s a lot of carbs. And so I jumped right back up and then he came and I’m just on this roller coaster of blood sugar and I am not drinking enough water. My system is no longer lubricated on coffee and I’m soda and I’m energy drinks, and I’m doing whatever to sustain beause I gotta be there for my kid.

I got to do the right thing for my kid. And I’m not sleeping that night because my system’s all jacked. And now I’m supposed to come up with a good consequence. It’s actually gonna focus my kid on their strategy and not my emotions. There is no way to be a good parent from a bad place. You cannot accidentally parent your child out of a crisis.

Well, you have to do it on purpose, which means number one, parents, you take care of yourself first. You do the fab five: sleeping ,drinking water, eating nutritious food, moving your body, and even if it’s only one, even if it’s for an hour, I don’t care. Breathe on purpose. Not accidentally breathing through the day, but actually,  go, “ Whoa, Aaron, you are not breathing.” Oh, you know what? I just practiced self-care.

Carrie: Yeah.

Aaron: Now, the second thing I do is more important than now wanting to go parent my child. The second thing I do is I tend to my adult relationships because children can not relate to my emotional experience. Children cannot relate to my level of fatigue, fear, anger or anxiety with what’s going on in my home.

I have to find other adults who relate and I’ve got to be with those adults. I got to join a support group. I don’t care if it’s on Facebook or if it’s in your church basement. You join a group and you find other adults in your community who are going through what you’re going through. And if you can’t find them,start one.

Be that parent who says, “ Hey, I need other parents who are struggling with kids and call it, “Parenting teens that struggle.”, I don’t know. I just made that name up.  “ That’s the name of my group on Facebook folks. Join me!” , but just start it if you can’t find it. And I’m also talking about your marriage or your exes, your, your parenting partners, your loves.

You have to tend to your adult relationships because that’s your support system. You got to go vent with your husband and be like, “…. I can’t take it anymore.” And your spouse goes, “ I was intense. Are you doing okay? I’m just listening. I’m just, being here. Don’t expect my feedback at this moment. How you’re doing?’,and you’re just, you’ve got to have these huge fear, frustration,anger and anxiety and fatigue experiences with another adult. So self-care first,  adult relationship care second. Now you’re ready to go parent.

Carrie: You have really hit the nail on the head there. We have to have an outlet for our intense emotions when we are dealing with someone that’s going through a crisis, meaning that we’re experiencing the crisis and the trauma ourselves like ,  this is real work. And I think what you’re saying is that a lot of people, focus the same level of energy, but they’re focusing on the wrong areas. And if they would disperse some of that energy towards themselves, towards healthy relationships, then they will have that energy that they need to give to their child.

But it won’t be like this overwhelming overarching smothering, “ We got to fix your energy” , because they’ll have dispersed some of that. 

Aaron: The anger, fatigue, fear, anxiety, and frustration that we bring to our parenting forces the children to focus on our emotions, emotions aren’t leveraged. Emotions are not consequences, especially in our kids become teenagers.

We have big, huge emotions. Teenagers could beat you in that game. They can go way over the edge. You, you have big tears and hollering voices and all of a sudden they call you a name that you have to go look up. You’ve suddenly found yourself in an urban dictionary going, “ Wow. That’s what that means. Geez, that kid was, oh, I’m devastated.”

I’m not saying you can’t have emotions. I’m saying you can’t use those emotions as consequences. You can’t leverage those emotions to get your child to focus on their strategy. That’s what consequences are supposed to do , is to get the child to look at what they’re doing and go, “ Oh, that didn’t work.”. But to see your emotions and you, “ Gimme your phone! ” They’re not going to focus on losing their phone . They’re going to focus on how you took it. The truth is , when I coach parents, I care less what the parent does and more how they do it. Because there’s two ways to take a child’s phone. Well, there’s actually a thousand, but I’ll give you two choices.

There’s this way, “ I can’t believe you did! You can’t send pictures like this. You’re under. Gimme your phone. No, you can’t have it back. I’m enough. I’m enough. I’m tired. I’m done!” or  “I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Now we have agreements in this house that I’m willing to provide a phone and internet, as long as there’s no lying, stealing, sneaking, cheating, or breaking the law and you know this.  I also know that being a teenager is really hard. So, I’m going to go ahead and manage your phone and the internet for two weeks. And as things change, I’ll change what I manage. I’m really sorry. I love you and I know you’re going through some rough times.” Now on both of those, I’m taking the phone away on one of those before I ever talked to my kid to have that level of voice, that level of calmness, that level of connection before correction, alliance  before compliance. To have that, I have to have been resourced. I have to settle my own nervous system. I have to remember, I got to hit my knees in conscious prayer, not just those desperate nights when I can’t sleep and I’m crying out for some intervention from the Divine. But actually saying, “ At 12:30 today, I’m going to spend some time with my book and some time with my God. And I’m just going to ask to be shown the light in all this darkness.” And to be deliberate in your prayers, to write down a list of things you want to ask for to communicate clearly, what I do know is that you are actually writing down the list of what you’re going to ask God for, is you, using your prefrontal cortex? , not your survival, “ God, someone helped me!”  You have to come out of survival mode if you want your kids to thrive, 

Carrie: Right.

Aaron: You cannot accidentally parent your child out of crisis. It does not,  never ever know how ,  no way works.

Carrie: Tell us about how people can find and get in touch with you.

Aaron: I have a few freebies. I want to start with first and foremost, Carrie, thank you for the opportunity to talk to you, your moms and dads, and the people listening to your podcast. I really appreciate the opportunity.  Parents, I have a free Facebook group called , “ Parenting Teens That Struggle.”  I moderate it. My daughter moderates it as well.

I have some other therapists that I really know, like, and trust. Who are in there, Avani Dilger, Kaia, and you got to see , “ Kaia on notes by Kaia on Instagram” . She’s awesome. And Carrie, if you can get her as a guest, she is a wonderful, wonderful woman. And this is just, I have 1600 parents on there who are just supporting each other.

And these are parents who are in a pretty deep crisis and it’s just a place to go up and email and go, “ Here’s everything that’s going on with my family. Oh my God. I’m so embarrassed that no one else is going through this and I’m terminally unique. And 15 to 30 other parents would go, “ Oh no, I, I that’s exactly what I’m going through.”

And that’s the moment of tending to yourself and tending to your adult relationships that you go, “ Oh, thank God. I am not alone.” , because you are not.   Parenting teams that struggle on Facebook. I post videos. I post podcasts, I answer questions and other families engage with what you’re going through. The second thing is , that my podcast

 “ Beyond Risk And Back.” This is for the parents of kids who are really struggling. And this is where I interview the experts. People like Carrie,  to talk about OCD and Anxiety, to come on and give you their advice. So,  not everything’s coming from me, but I’m just a conduit where the experts can speak through my medium.

And I have learned so much from people like you, Carrie. And I know in your show, I called you. I was like,  “ I got to know about OCD.”  because there’s, “ Oh, my God. I’m so OCD.” And then there’s OCD. 

Carrie: Right

Aaron: OCD is devastating to watch anybody that you love go through. And to hear from you , to give you to my audience, to have my items go, “ Oh, okay. Now my kid’s just a little type of …” 

Carrie: Peculiar. 

Aaron: Yeah, peculiar versus , “ My child is counting steps to the door and if they don’t get the right steps, they go back.” , and you know this is interfering. This is dysfunction . So beyond risk and back parenting teens that struggle.  And then third, if you go to brabapp.com, B R A B  A P P Brab stands for Beyond Risk And Back, brabapp .com for the same cost as a week’s worth of coffee. I put up 56 parenting sessions,  in a red, yellow, and green course and you can take the classes. The red is the deep crisis. The yellow is ,  the at-risk and the green is , things are going good, but man, they could be great. This child is a world changer. “ What do I have to do as a parent differently to inspire this kid to the next level of expression and connection with the world?”

So all of these are everything that I have ever taught a parent and I made it extremely affordable because I want every parent to feel supported, not just the ones who can afford treatment. Let’s be clear, folks. Treatment is expensive mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. So, let’s try changing the home before we go ask the kid to change ,so that the home can feel better.

That’s the backwards way of doing it. 

Carrie: So towards the end of every podcast, I like our guests to share a story of hope since this is called Hope for Anxiety and OCD. And so this is a time in which you received hope from God or another person.

Aaron: On May 21st, 1998,  I stopped using drugs and alcohol for good . On May 20th, 1998, I hit my knees and I asked for a miracle. I had been a minister since 1996. I’ve had a very colorful spiritual life. But despite my promises to God, despite my promises to my daughter, despite my promises to who became my ex-wife, I loved drugs more to the point where the shame and the guilt forced me to my knees. And I said, “ I can’t stop. You have to stop me. I’m not going to quit. You have to make me quit. And I’m asking for a miracle. I’m asking to be shown that there’s something outside of this. Because otherwise this is going to kill me and I’m slowly dying. You have to bring me back to life.”  The next morning I got up and I went to work and I got in my truck and I got high as I was driving to work and my truck died and my parents lived out in the country outside of Longmont, Colorado.

And so I had to walk about a mile and a half to get to a phone so I could call my dad to come pick me up. So I got my drugs and I got my paraphernalia and I started walking, leaving my truck on the side of the road and up ahead on my left, as I was walking down, this dirt road was the small, and it’s the quintessential picture in your brain of an old country church, right? Little white building, single room steeple and cross in the front, quintessential Norman Rockwell painting that you could imagine. And so I’m walking towards it. I hear this noise….and I know what’s coming and my heart starts pounding. I know that I’m about to get what I asked for,  which was the end. It was my personal Babylon, was showing up. And as I’m walking, I’m getting closer. I’m staring at this church trying not to look at it and it’s just…and it’s getting louder and louder as I’m walking toward and I’m terrified. And all I did was say, “ Stop me. “ And now I knew that I was about to get stopped. I’m standing across the street from the driveway to this church and the noises now… like the worst scratching TV, FAS. And it was so loud. And I turned and looked and Christ was standing there and he said,” You can put down the drugs now for the rest of your life and never look back. “

Carrie: Wow.

Aaron: And the feeling of love and forgiveness that I experienced in that moment to that overwhelm of pure unconditional love. The thing that I had always been searching for and had never found. It just washed me and I threw them, took my drugs out of my pocket and Carrie, I swear on everything I had that bag hit the ground and the wind with and blew it out.

I threw my pipe and a ditch and I burst into tears and the noise was gone and the experience was over and I walked. And if that was the end of the miracle, then this will be a nice, short story, but I’m going to have to take you deeper into what happened next. So I went and I hit the phone. My dad comes and picks me up. When I get home, I call work, “Tom. I’m not coming in.” They’re not surprised I’m absent all the time. Because I’m always going. And I go up to my room and I call the triangle club, the 12 step group there in Longmont, Colorado on main street. And I said, I, I had called them two weeks prior and the line was busy and I, I promise you, that I took that as a sign from God that I was overreacting and that drugs weren’t that bad.  I had lost my home,  custody of my daughter, and my marriage. I was living either in my parents’ house at 28 years old, or I was living in the back of my truck, and drugs weren’t that bad. But that’s how insane this thing is. But this time when I called that the night of that first experience,  May 21st, I called the 12-step and somebody answered on the first ring and they said,”  Triangle Club”, and I said, “ When’s your next NA meeting? I think I’m an addict.”  And the guy said, “ Where are you? I’ll come get you.”  And I said, “ Don’t do this.”  He goes, “ It’s okay, man.”  And I said, “ Don’t you say it. I’m not ready to hear it.” ,  and it got all quiet. And he said, “ I love you. It’s okay.” And I said, “ I can’t do this right now.” And he goes, “  Every hour, we have a meeting. If you need a ride, someone will get you.”  And I hung up the phone on him. And there was that love of a stranger. Somebody who didn’t know me didn’t know my past and he was willing to say, “ I love you.”

Carrie:  Wow. 

Aaron: So then the next morning I wake up and I go downstairs and I’ve decided I have the day off. So I’m going to a meeting and I go downstairs and my parents are watching TV and I kid you not, they’re watching clean and sober with Michael Keaton. And I sit down on the couch and I’m like, “ I can’t believe this.”  And like, “ This is a sustained miracle and I’m exhausted.”  And I sit down and I turn off the TV and my mom goes, she has this funny way of saying it. It’s very dear. She goes, “ Excuse me?”  And she was being goofy. And I look at her about to break her heart. And I say, “  I’m not going to a meeting at work. I’m going to a 12 step meeting. I’m an addict.”  And my mom goes pale. And my dad, the man who raised me, not my father, but the man who gave me everything who had lied to,  who had stolen from and hurt his younger biological children.

He looked at me and he goes, “ Whatever you need me to do, I’ll do it because I love you.” And it was those three experiences of unconditional love that I just said, “ That’s it. That’s what this is about. I don’t love me, but everybody else does have this thing that I’ve always been seeking for, has been seeking me.

And I just have to let it in now.”  And that’s what I say to families and to teenagers is  “ A – I love you, and B what you are seeking is seeking you.”  And that was the miracle I got on May 21st, 1998. And then on the 22nd, the miracles continue. A biker who yanked me back into my chair at the 12 step meeting who told me to sit down and shut up for once in my life and maybe I’ll learn something,  who became my sponsor, the police officer that pulled me over after my first meeting and said, you know who I told him?, “ I, it was my first meeting. It’s the first time I didn’t have drugs in my vehicle in seven years and I didn’t have to lie.”  And he looked at me and he saw the big stack of 12 step books in my truck, and he goes, “Keep going back at works . If you work at and you’re worth it.”, which is what we say at the end of every 12 step meeting, he told me he was a member.

Carrie: I understood. Yeah.

Aaron: And 23 years later, the miracles still continue. And that’s been my life for 23 years. I was born 23 years ago. And the sadness, these are tears of joy,  folks because I have such a beautiful, blessed life.

I have a daughter, I have a son. My ex-wife and I are friends. I love my parents and they did so well. My brothers and I get along, my business is successful and all I do is the 12 step, and bring the message of hope to people who still suffer. 

Carrie: Yeah. Aaron, that’s such a powerful testimony, which is amazing. I don’t think we can ever underestimate the power of unconditionally loving another human being.

And we, when we bring in that unconditional love to someone else, we are showing them the love of God. That God has, you know, showed us, and so many times, like, tries to get our attention and we’ve ignored. And then, like you said, you, you have to allow it to come into you like it’s there for you, you know, understanding that unconditional love and acceptance is there for you, but you have to let it in sometimes, man, that’s, that’s amazing. Thank you so much for sharing the story and going deep with us on that.

Aaron:  If there’s one thing I can say, I’ve not met the devil. But if the devil is here on earth, it’s addiction. It’s that low ,  only people in addiction understand how far the devil can take you down. Loving when things are going good, loving an addict who struggles, loving your kids. Those two things are when things are easy when things are good, love is easy. Love is good. But when you’re standing at the gates of hell, love is divine and it’s the hardest place to find. 

Carrie : Yeah. Well, I just appreciate you sharing just all your wisdom for parents that are struggling that have teens and crisis.

And hopefully, this gives them some hope and some ideas that the things can turn around and yeah. Then just thank you for being here.

 Wow. That was probably one of the most powerful stories of hope that we have had on the show. I am so glad that Aaron came and shared that with us. I know Aaron spoke of a show that we recorded together for his podcast.

I wanted to let you know, at the time of this recording, that, that hasn’t come out yet just in the nature of podcast recording and how we batch episodes. I believe mine is going to be coming out before his, when that episode does come out on OCD, I will link it to  this episode, so you can listen to it. Aaron asked me some really great questions about OCD and it was a super great experience to be on his show as well.

So check the show notes here, or we’ll also be posting it on social media with links from our Instagram and Facebook pages. You can always follow along on either of those pages for the most up-to-date information about our show. And hopefully, it’s a way for you to receive a little bit of a daily dose of encouragement.

Hope for anxiety and OCD is a production of By the Well Counseling in Smyrna, Tennessee. Our original music is by Brandon Mangrum and audio editing is completed by Benjamin Bynam.

Until next time. May you be comforted by God’s great love for you.

55. Surviving the Holidays with Anxiety

I’m going solo today to talk about how to survive the Holidays when you have anxiety.

  • Polite ways especially for introverts to leave a party early.
  • Tips to reduce stress while traveling
  • How to reduce stress around Thanksgiving and Christmas
  • Saying “no” to gatherings you’re not comfortable with.
  • How to budget for the holidays and control your spending 
  • Keeping the Holidays simple yet meaningful.

Related episode: Thriving as an Introvert in an Extrovert World with Holley Gerth


If you enjoy the podcast and want to support what we’re doing, or if you’re looking for self-help materials to assist you on your journey of managing your anxiety and OCD in healthier ways. Audio teachings, relaxation exercises, and my book on how to find a therapist are provided for self-help via monthly subscription, go to www.patreon.com/hopeforanxietyandocd
Subscribe to our newsletter: https://hopeforanxietyandocd.com/

Follow us on Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/hopeforanxietyandocdpodcast
and like our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/hopeforanxietyandocd for the latest updates and sneak peeks.

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Transcript

Welcome to Hope for Anxiety and OCD episode 55. If I’m looking at my calendar correctly, this episode is going to be coming out a week before Thanksgiving. I wanted to let you know that at the podcast we do take off the week of Thanksgiving and the week of Christmas. So I don’t post episodes on those weeks before we get into celebrating these important holidays towards end of the year. 

I wanted to talk with you about surviving the holidays when you have anxiety because there are specific challenges that people with anxiety face in regards to parties, gatherings, gift giving that it can really increase your stress this time of year. And I wanna help you really reduce some of that stress so that you can have a restful positive holiday season. 

If you would consider yourself an introvert and you haven’t listened to episode 19, Thriving as an introvert in an Extrovert world, I would encourage you to go back and listen to that episode. Holly Gerth and myself talk about surviving big gatherings and parties as an introvert. And that’s the first thing I wanted to talk with you about is when you have anxiety, sometimes these large gatherings, even if there are family gatherings, there may be extended family that you don’t see very often. Or you may be gathering with say like your husbands, coworkers, and you don’t know them, obviously because you don’t work with them every day. Sometimes those types of environments can be a little bit more anxiety-provoking. Definitely go back and listen to that episode If you haven’t. 

Some of the tips we talked about in there were take an extrovert with you to the party, get there in the beginning, because then you can kind of slowly acclimate yourself to the environment and see people come in versus coming into an already overwhelming situation.

Knowing your limits and knowing when it’s time to go is important. And if you’re with, um, a friend, spouse or erode with somebody, definitely knowing how to communicate to that other person that you would like to leave is important. Sometimes you may have a code, word, or phrase that you want to use with your spouse like “Hey, don’t we need to get by such and such store before it closes. Oh, we really gotta get home and let the dog out.” I’m sure that you can come up with something where you and your spouse will be on the same page and kind of be in line with each other, like, yeah, we’re ready to go. 

I find when I go to large gatherings, sometimes just taking a moment to sit down, maybe away from where the big crowd of people is that really seems to help me in particular. So that may be something that helps you just standing requires a little bit more energy. I know that that sounds silly in itself, but you may just need to kind of take a miniature time out from all the activity you could go to the bathroom. You could step outside if there’s a, you know, indoor-outdoor element to this gather.

My overall point is that it’s good to have a plan going into some of these social interactions to help make them less overwhelming for you. You may not want to plan too much before the gathering so that you have time to rest and relax a little bit versus rushing from this thing to that thing, to that.

If you’re traveling for the holidays. One of the things that I have found the most helpful, whenever I take a trip and I understand you can’t always do this, but if you’re a highly sensitive person, introvert person with anxiety, It’s helpful to have a half a day to a day before your trip. And then definitely a day when you get back before you have to jump into your work or school routine, a lot of times we’re just. It’s like we’re out the office door and then we’ve gotta go straight to catch the plane and then get back in the Sunday night before gotta go back to work on Monday. That’s highly stressful. Try to give yourself a buffer on the edges of your trips to be able to get things in order. You know, there’s always these last-minute things that we end up having to do before a trip or after a trip. 

We have laundry and different things that we have to do. Give yourself a little bit of a buffer of time if you can, if you’re going to reduce your stress around Thanksgiving and Christmas, you want to prioritize the gatherings and parties that are most important for you to attend.

I know there are some people, stepfamily situations and maybe there’s stepparents on both sides of the family and they’re ending up going to three and four Thanksgiving gatherings. That’s just a lot, that’s a lot to deal with. It’s a lot to bring food for, and that can be too much for your system.

And so some people would say, well, I mean, but, but we just have to, I mean, the family is expecting us and. We have to be there. And I would really argue that and say, you can see your family any day of the year. A lot of times, unless you’re traveling and they’re out of town, then that’s not necessarily the case.

Obviously, we have family that’s in Florida, but we can’t see them any day. But if it’s a situation where maybe you can plan to have more quality time with those family members around a different date or where it doesn’t have to be holiday related so that you’re not rushing from, “Okay, well, we’ve got mom’s Thanksgiving.” That’s from noon to three, and then we’ve got dad’s Thanksgiving, which is from four to six and we have to drive in between pick up a pumpkin pie on the way over there. All of that just can be very stressful for you. Let’s talk for a moment about challenging family relationships. I’m not gonna assume that you get along well with everyone in your family.

And so some of those relationships may cause you stress. It’s important to know just internally within yourself, how much of certain people that you can handle. And what I mean by that is that if, you know, you can only handle a day or two at a time around a certain person don’t plan to spend five days with them. That’s just a recipe for disaster. 

Oftentimes it goes back to, we do things out of obligation or we feel bad, but you have to know within yourself like what you are capable of. It’s important to be. Gracious towards other people as much as possible. And we have to love everyone, but I understand that there are going to be people that rub you the wrong way. And you may not like all of your family members or your in-laws or other people that you’re interacting with in gatherings. 

It’s understanding that you are an adult and you have a choice. You can decide that this Thanksgiving or this Christmas that you want to run off to boa Bora, just you and your best friend or you and your spouse. And you do not have to go and do all the things that you normally go and do. I worked with a client on this one year and it was incredibly freeing for her. She didn’t believe me at first that she could say no to some of the family gatherings, but then decided to go away for the holiday instead and see her family at different times where she could really invest more time in those relationships.

Have more quality, depth time versus just seeing this family member for a few minutes and that one for a few minutes, while they’re running off to do something else. Letting go of the half twos is important. So many times we convince ourselves that we just have to do things that we don’t have to do.

I remember there was one time that they had moved a holiday event. I was planning on going to with the foster children. I think it was a Thanksgiving event and we completely missed it. I did not go. And I wanted to. However, what I realized was that it wasn’t the end of the world that I missed that event.

Yes. I was a little disappointed and yes, there were some people that I was wanting to see and would enjoy their company. But at the end of the day, the world did not crash down because I missed one holiday event. It was okay. Don’t be afraid to say. If you know that what someone is asking you to do is going to be too much for you.

We all have different limitations at different times in our life, and sometimes we’re going through things and we can only do so much. And it’s okay. It’s really okay to acknowledge that to ourselves. It’s okay to communicate that to other people as. No is a complete sentence. That’s something that I tell my clients regularly when they’re having trouble saying no, you don’t have to give a lengthy explanation.

You can just say no or no. Thank you. So when you’re prioritizing your gatherings and parties, it’s very easy to get overloaded. I talked about the step-family situation, but there’s also just situations where you may have a Christmas party for your work Christmas party for your spouse’s work. The church is throwing a big Christmas production over here, and then, you know, your, your kid’s school has a function over there.

You really just need to put everything on the calendar and evaluate it and say, okay, Are we really able to give our time and energy to these things. Maybe we really want to invest more time and energy into our kids’ function and maybe just make an appearance at the work party. You know, you know how that is just kind of, yeah, we’re gonna show up a little bit later, say hi to a few people. Be a part of maybe a gift exchange and then head out and that’s okay. 

It’s okay. That you don’t have to be 110% for all of these events decide what is most important to you that you’re putting on your calendar. Let go of expectations. That’s going to be a perfect Thanksgiving or perfect Christmas. 

The reality is that we’re in a COVID world.

Still. We were hoping that we would be out of it before this holiday season, but this is where we understand that ships are sitting in ports right now, and they’re not able to get there or unload items. There may be Christmas presents that you want to buy for your kids, certain toys that aren’t available. And your kid is not gonna die if they don’t get that perfect toy on Christmas morning, you know, Santa Maye have to write them an IOU shipping delayed will come in January. I know there have been times in the past for Christmas, where I really wanted to give people little gifts, packages of cookies. And I spent so much time and energy in my kitchen making hundreds of cookies and cake balls and all of this type of stuff.

And I look back on that and I was. That was just for that season of my life. When I had foster children, that was a little much, I was trying to do a little bit too much and went overboard and now granted people did appreciate it. And I do try to do nice things for, for other people that I know around Christmas.

But my point is, whatever you do it doesn’t have to be perfect. And it’s not going to be perfect most likely, especially with some of the challenges that we’re dealing with in our world today. The last thing I want to encourage you with, which is also very important, is to have a budget and stick to it.

Oftentimes people really overextend themselves at Christmas, go into all kinds of debt. It’s just not healthy. It causes us a lot of financial stress and in turn emotional stress. One thing I learned this year is that in the Philippines, employees have something called the 13th-month payment, where they get basically an extra paycheck towards the end of the year.

And that helps pay for Christmas and things like that. End-of-the-year bills. Maybe I thought this is an incredible idea. Everyone should have this. However, in America, we don’t have that as a standard level of pay and so forth. So we have to create our own 13th. We have to make, be diligent about setting aside some for savings every single month so that when you get towards the end of the year, you have some money to spend on Christmas presents for the family and so forth.

If you sit down and budget, you know how much you’re going to pay for Christmas gifts, who it’s actually important to buy a Christmas gift for? I think sometimes we have this perception that we have to go overboard and buy a gift for every single person that we interact with. And obviously, that’s not the case, but sometimes we put this pressure on ourselves or we think, “Oh, I’ve got a bad Christmas gift for that person.”

But because they’re gonna get me a gift and there’s this, this obligation and emotional stress, you know, I can’t think. Of a single time that I’ve ever been offended, that I didn’t get a Christmas gift from someone. I’m pretty sure there probably have been times where I received an unexpected gift from someone that I, I didn’t think that they were gonna give me a gift, but you know, it, we’re just in a spirit of giving.

And that’s the important thing to remember. It shouldn’t be out of like obligation or we have to, you know, some families to, to help with finances will maybe like draw names and each person gets a different person in the, in the immediate family or the extended family. And then that way we’re reducing the amount of money that we’re spending around Christmas.

And we’re also able to get good gifts for each other. I think sometimes when it comes to holiday spending like we way overthink things or we make them more complicated than they actually have to be. So have a budget stick to it. That’s gonna reduce a lot of your stress. I know it’s a little late to be saying to save money, you know, all throughout the year, but now, you know, going into next year, save a little bit of money every month for Christmas, it will help you out tremendously.

You can put that towards presents, towards travel. If you’re having to travel with family. It’ll be great. And finally, let’s take the opportunity this Thanksgiving and this Christmas to not forget what it’s all about. We can get so caught up in making the food, attending the gathering, spending time with people that we miss the point.

Thanksgiving is an opportunity for us to be thankful to God for everything that he has blessed us with this year. And to be thankful for our friends and family that we celebrate with Christmas is an opportunity for us to celebrate Christ. Birth is an opportunity for us to reflect on the fact that he chose to come into the world in the humble way possible as a baby.

To be a part of our world and eventually give his life for us. 

Don’t get lost in the commercialization that you forget, the simple and that you forget what’s most important. If you have children talk with them regularly about why you’re celebrating these holidays, read the Christmas story, focus on those things more than opening presence.

Find opportunities to give to others who have less than you. I think this is such an important part of the Christmas season. One thing that I’ve done for the last several years is adopted. A foster child through Casa to be able to buy Christmas gifts for them. And I know that when I was a foster parent, this was super helpful for us to be able to have other people who would buy Christmas gifts for our foster children.

And I know it meant a lot to them to receive those gifts while they were going through a hard time of being separated from their family members. For the last few years, I’ve bought Christmas gifts for teenagers. And oftentimes they want things like name-brand clothing because they just wanna fit in like every other child that they’re interacting with and going to school with.

And sometimes they want really simple things. Like hair ties. You may be, you may be in a really difficult situation this Christmas and. Not feel like you have a whole lot to give, but I’m sure that even in those situations, there’s something small that you can do for someone else. Even if it’s just take them a meal or bake them some cookies, just to let them know that you care and that you love them.

Christmas is about love, joy, and giving to others. Let’s not lose celebrating our Savior. Let’s not lose our focus in the midst of all the activity. 

I hope this episode was helpful for you. I really appreciate you taking the time to listen. I want to encourage you to get on our email list. You can do that on our homepage@wwwdothopeforanxietyandocd.com towards the top.

You can put in your email address and you’ll actually get a audio relaxation to listen to as well as a gift for signing. I’m trying to email out once a week information about our upcoming episodes and other things that are happening with the podcast. So don’t miss out and sign up for our email list today. Thank you so much for listening. 

Hope for anxiety and OCD is a production of By the Well counseling in Smyrna, Tennessee. Our original music is by Brandon Mangrum. Until next time may be comforted by God’s great love for you.

54. Medications for Anxiety and OCD with Jennifer McGlothin, psyNP

Jennifer McGlothin, a psychiatric nurse practitioner and I have an informative conversation on medications for anxiety and OCD 

  • What is the role of a psychiatric nurse practitioner? Can they prescribe medication for mental health? Are they allowed to diagnose?
  • What patients should know when they are starting a new medication or switching medication.
  • How long does it take for psychiatric medication to work?
  • Managing mental health medications
  • The Importance of communication between patient and health professional

Related links and resources:

Jennifer McGlothin, psyNP


If you enjoy the podcast and want to support what we’re doing, or if you’re looking for self-help materials to assist you on your journey of managing your anxiety and OCD in healthier ways. Audio teachings, relaxation exercises, and my book on how to find a therapist are provided for self-help via monthly subscription, go to www.patreon.com/hopeforanxietyandocdSubscribe to our newsletter: https://hopeforanxietyandocd.com/

Follow us on Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/hopeforanxietyandocdpodcast
and like our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/hopeforanxietyandocd 
for the latest updates and sneak peeks.

Support the show (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/hopeforanxiety)

More Podcast Episodes

Transcript

Welcome to Hope for Anxiety and OCD Episode 54. I have been wanting for a little while to talk about medication as an option for anxiety and OCD. So that is what we are going to do today. I know that a lot of people have questions about whether or not they should get on medication. Whether they should look at that as an option or whether they should stay away from it.

So hopefully this episode will give you a little bit more information to help you make an informed decision about whether or not you want to pursue that as an option and maybe dispel some myths that people have about medication for mental health conditions. So today on the show I have with me Jennifer McGlothin, who is a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner at Safe Harbor in Murfreesboro, Tennessee.

Carrie: Welcome to the show. 

Jennifer: Thank you so much for inviting me. 

Carrie: Tell us a little bit about your background and what you do on a day-to-day basis. 

Jennifer: So I have been doing psychiatry since around 2009. I graduated from Vanderbilt with my Masters in Psychiatric Nursing, and I’ve always been in a clinic setting, primarily community mental health until August of 2020, which is when my friend and I opened our own private practice. As far as psychiatric nurse practitioners in the medical world, we’re primary utilize is as medication management, we have the ability to do therapy. But that’s not really where we sort of fall on a day-to-day basis. When I was in a clinic that was my all day, every day was just seeing people back to back doing medication management.

And so August 2020, sort of out of necessity and God’s guidance, my friend and I opened our own private practice with the idea of being able to start to treat patients the way that we knew it needed to happen and to be able to provide a safe setting that they could come in and tell their stories and be heard and get the treatment that they needed.

Now day-to-day is a little bit different because we’re an owner of that, but we still see patients every day, but then that’s just sort of peppered in with administrative stuff of running the business. It sort of depends on the day whether we have new patients or just return patients, some days are telehealth some days are in the office, just kind of, depending on what the patient’s preference is at this point, especially since COVID has kind of changed the face of psychiatry telehealth is utilized a lot more. But our primary role and expertise, I would say probably, is medication management. 

Carrie: Okay and I think some people get very confused as well by the terms psychologist, psychiatrist, licensed counselor. And so it’s important for people, sometimes people will contact me and ask me about medication. I’m like, hey, I’m not a medical doctor, that’s not what I do. I don’t have that training. So typically the psychologist is someone with a Ph.D., but they don’t prescribe medication, and psychiatrists or psychiatric nurse practitioners are medication providers. So this is for people who are kind of wondering about some of those titles or maybe confused. I know some of the terms sound similar and so it’s easy to get that confusion there. So I know that even though I’m a therapist, clients will certainly talk with me about medication. Should I get on medication? Should I not? Maybe they’ve had experiences with medication in the past. Maybe it was helpful, not helpful, so forth. And I think it’s understandable. Sometimes people look at anxiety as a physical condition. Some people look at it as a mental health condition and from what you’re seeing, sometimes people may pursue that medication route first.

Whereas others for anxiety, whereas other people may pursue a therapeutic route. First, I would imagine that you have some people that come in there that are being seen for anxiety, but then you start to ask more questions and identify that what they’re really dealing with is OCD. Can you tell us about that?

Jennifer: It depends. It really runs the gamut, whether they, when they come in to see us. Sometimes, they’re treatment-naive, which means that they’ve never seen a mental health professional before, or sometimes they’ve been doing mental health for 20 years. And once you start asking questions, we are asking questions about all disorders really. So we’re asking about depression. We’re asking about bipolar disorder. We’re asking about anger. We’re talking about sleep and appetite. We’re really looking for, what could the potential diagnoses be? Sometimes OCD will come out as a potential diagnosis because there are a lot of aspects of OCD that people don’t necessarily associate with it because it’s not as well known.

So typically when people think about OCD, they may think about the money who washes their hands a lot, or they may think about somebody who puts things in a certain order. Do things by color. One of probably the lesser-known forms would be really common, intrusive thought that they’re going to do something that’s completely outside of their personality and fear that they’re going to do it. So the fear that I’m going to drive my car off the road, even though there’s no desire to do that, they would never do that because they don’t want to hurt themselves. They don’t want to hurt anyone else. But the idea pops into their head that like I’m might do that. Or an idea of maybe I did something that I don’t know about is something I’ll hear a lot. I think that I turned off the stove, but maybe I didn’t actually do it. What if I thought that I said this to my child actually didn’t it, it will be this sort of questioning of themselves. The more that we’ll talk about that it will really kind of move more into the OCD realm. 

What that does is it will sort of just change your treatment perspective a little bit, as far as what you’re going to do in medicine and therapy, then it becomes talking about really what OCD can look like. And it makes sense that people who are in a high state of whether it’s anxiety or OCD, they’re dealing with some distress and may have hesitancy about it taking medication. 

Carrie: What do you tell your patients who are concerned about starting a new medication or switching medication? Because the last one wasn’t helpful for them.

Jennifer: The very first thing that’s most important for any patient is that, and it’s not always conveyed this way, but I think this is super important for anyone to know is that it’s always their choice. So no matter what the provider says, it’s ultimately their choice at the end of the day. Because when you leave that room, the patient is the one who’s taking the medicine and the patient’s the one who’s going home with it. When you’re coming to see me, for instance, I’m giving you my opinion about what I think is best, but ultimately it’s your choice.

I think a lot of times in medical situations, people can feel kind of powerless and they feel like they have to listen to exactly what the provider says. And sometimes it is good to do that, but if you don’t feel comfortable with the situation, then you don’t have to go along with that. So I think the first important thing is to know it’s always in your court and then also be really educated on what is the purpose of the medicine and that the idea is to make things better. If the medicine you’re taking now is not making things better then we probably need to make a change, really talking about what’s the goal. What do you want? What would make things feel more manageable to you? What would that look like? Then figuring out how do we get there? When they’re anxious about that, you have to really break it down into, we’re just wanting to improve things. This is why this is how, and sometimes I think that education and knowing that ultimately they have the final say is really helpful for people.

Carrie: This is really huge. I think that we don’t emphasize enough, like empowering people to make the health choices that are best for them. Yes. There are experts who can say, hey, these are the medications that are commonly prescribed. Here are the side effects. We believe that in prescribing this medication, the benefits for you are going to outweigh the side effects, but ultimately you have to weigh that option and everything is a potential risk. Empowering people is so key in that. And I liked what you said about it, just ultimately it being your choice. 

Sometimes I’ll have people in therapy who want to try therapy first before they try medication. I always tell people I’ll work with, whether you’re on medication or not, it’s not really a big deal for me, but it’s interesting because sometimes we’ll circle back around to that medication conversation after they’ve been in therapy for six months or so. And they’re not seeing the progress that they’d like to see, then I’d say, okay, can we circle back around to this wagon? And can we evaluate this as an option? Will you go talk with someone and just see what your options are? What they think might be helpful for you. And I know that oftentimes people are started on a lower dose of medication, just to make sure that their system is going to handle it well. 

Jennifer: One of the things that I’ll talk about when somebody comes in and they’ve never been medicated before, or they’re just coming in because they’re not really sure what needs to happen. And it’s not a very clear-cut case of like, we absolutely need to do something today. Sometimes when I ask the person, okay, do you think you need medicine? Do you feel like this is really impairing your function? And sometimes they’ll say, yeah, I think so. When it’s like, okay, well, I’m willing to give that a try, and sometimes they’ll say, I mean, I think I could do therapy for a little while first and like, I’m okay with that too. So let’s go that route and that kind of, once again goes back to making the decision, but I want to know what’s their opinion. How do they feel like their functioning is affected by the symptoms that they’re experiencing, being able to hear that is really helpful sometimes. And then, when you’re in school, one of the slogans that you’re taught about medicine to start is to start low and go slow. So that is basically just trying to minimize the amount of side effects that someone experiences. Sometimes that, unfortunately, means that they’re not gonna see the efficacy as early as you would hope.

In other words, they’re not going to stay, their symptoms decrease as fast as you would like to stay, because symptoms are too high to match the low dose that they’ve been started on. But then you get into a situation where if you start them on a higher dose, they’re going to have a lot of stomachs upset or they’re going to be too sleepy and they’re not going to be able to get up the next day and then that side effect is not going to be tolerable. So then they’re going to stop the medicine anyway. So once again, it goes back to that balance of trying to, I use a seesaw a lot as like a, not a visual, but to kind of explain that we’re trying to balance the seesaw. It goes back to that idea of trying to balance that risk-benefit, balance that out.

And I think that piece is another thing that’s super important for people to understand is what’s the timeframe that I’m going to start to see a difference, because if they’re expecting that they’re going to see a difference in a week, but the reality is four to six weeks. And they’re not told that it’s going to be hard for them to maybe stick with the medicine. And so it’s really important for people to know what we are looking at? What’s the timeframe? When should we start to see a difference? Are we going to see a difference in this dose? If symptoms are really high right now, and obviously not all of that, a hundred percent predictable, but you can give them an idea of what you would maybe hope to see, kind of give them a little bit of a window in.

Carrie: Those are some great points that you made in terms of having to increase dosages at times because people aren’t at a therapeutic dose. Sometimes people end up dropping out and stop taking the medication without talking to their provider. That’s one thing that just drives me a little bit bad. I’m like, no, if you’re not happy or you don’t feel like you’re getting what you need, you go back to that person and you explain, hey, I’m not seeing the results I’m wanting, or I’m having these side effects or there are always different things that can be done or like you just said, they may tell you, okay, well, we’re going to increase your dosage because it doesn’t look like you’re at the therapeutic level or you need to stay on it for sometimes four to six weeks to see the full results from it. I think sometimes people go into the doctor’s office and they’re not always hearing or receiving all the information that they need because they’re distressed. Right. 

And so it’s hard to remember everything that was said and the guidance that was given. So if I could tell, make any recommendations to people it’s please don’t stop your medication. Please stick with it, call your provider, talk with them because some of these medications, it’s really not good for you to stop suddenly.

Jennifer: I also, unfortunately, think that the education piece for patients is not always there. Sometimes they’re not always getting everything they need to get as far as what are the side effects? How long should I wait? Like it’s more just, here’s the prescription first Alexa, 20 milligrams, I’ll see you in two months and that is no information whatsoever. And that is completely on us as a provider. And that drives me nuts because it’s like, it’s so important to me, for my patients to know why they’re taking, why they’re taking it, what it does because I want them to be educated about it because they’re part of the treatment team.

Carrie: It was important for people not to see, I think, any medication really as a miracle cure. And I think sometimes people go into taking psychiatric medication, whether it’s for anxiety, OCD, depression, or something else. And they think, okay, well, I’m just going to take this medicine. It’s going to solve all my problems and similar to, if you put somebody on a blood pressure medication for high blood pressure, you wouldn’t just say, well, just take this medication you want also for them to make some lifestyle changes that would support what that medication is working on.So talk with us a little bit about that too. 

Jennifer: I use diabetes as an example. A lot of the time I will say, this is very similar. So like someone with diabetes, they take their insulin, but then they also check their blood sugar and they exercise and they have to watch what they eat. It’s a combination. And so that’s when we talk about that. The best results come from a combination of medicine and therapy and that medicine is just one tool in the toolbox. It is not the end. All be all, and medicine can help you cope, but it doesn’t teach you how to. And super important for people to know that you have to learn the coping skills medicine can help lower your anxiety, but life circumstances, there’s gonna be times that anxiety is going to spike and you need to know what to do when that happens and medicine doesn’t teach you that. So that’s where that other piece of the puzzle comes in. Whether that’s a therapist you’re seeing your past, or you’re seeing you’re doing a workbook at home, whatever it is that you’re doing something to learn what to do in those other moments, because it’s not a matter of if it’s going to happen. It’s a matter of when. And so we have to plan ahead for that. 

Carrie: What different types of medication would you say are commonly prescribed for anxiety or OCD? 

Jennifer: For both of those really it’s antidepressant and anti-depressants are first-line treatment for anxiety. And so I’ll have a lot of people come in and there may be already on a medicine that came from primary care and they’ll say, well, I have anxiety and they put me on this antidepressant and I’ll say, well, that’s actually appropriate because the antidepressants are first-line treatment for anxiety. The five medicines that are FDA approved for OCD are actually all antidepressants. The most common medicine probably used in OCD specifically is probably Prozac. There are four others after that, that are sort of used in varying order.

There are some medicines for anxiety that can just be used as needed that we like in our practice. We use an antihistamine sometimes that’s as needed. There are actually a couple of blood pressure medicines that we use as needed for anxiety. Providers will use benzodiazepine for anxiety that is not favored where we are, because those are very addictive medicines and they actually make anxiety worse in the long run and they call short and long-term memory loss.

There’s links to dementia. It will fix it quickly in the moment when you’re having an anxiety bite, but long-term, it’s going to make things worse for you. And so that’s something that we in our practice avoid because it’s not fixing the problem. So when you’re looking at an antidepressant for anxiety, what that’s actually doing is it’s adjusting the brain chemistry. All of the ones. When we look at anxiety and OCD, because of course the OCD is an anxiety disorder that all targets serotonin in some way or another. They’re adjusting the levels of serotonin in the brain. So we’re actually changing the brain chemistry, ideally back to where it needs to be. So kind of a way I sort of describe that to someone as like the thermostat is stuck and we’re trying to race that we’re trying to sort of teach the brain how to relearn the patterns for which chemicals need to be there and what capacity. 

Another important thing I think if it’s just anxiety and especially if someone’s in therapy, is that medicine doesn’t necessarily have to be forever. It’s something that until you can build the coping skills to learn how to manage most situations. And we have sort of put unquote, retrain the brain for what chemicals need to be there and what capacity for long enough, then you can try to come off of the medicine potential and do it on your own. OCD is not necessarily doesn’t fall into that category so much. That’s more of something that’s managed, like someone who has diabetes, that’s just managed throughout the year. But for some disorders, our goal was to try to fix it at the beginning. So it’s not a lifelong thing.

And I think that’s a common misconception too sometimes is that you want to put me on medicine and just keep me on it forever. Not necessarily, we could potentially fix this problem now so that it’s not a problem for it. And it’s dependent on different things as far as what episode they’re in and how long they’ve been on meds and there’s varying factors. But I think a lot of people don’t know that that’s a possibility. 

Carrie: I think that’s a really great point that you bring up. One of the common concerns that people have is whether I’m going to become addicted to this medication somehow dependent on it and I’m not ever going to be able to come off of it. So from what you were just saying, these first line of defense medications, the anti-depressant. People aren’t going to become addicted or dependent on those, right? 

Jennifer: Not at all. No, they do not have any addictive properties whatsoever. I think sometimes what people might get confused about would be to say that if you forget to take your medicine one day, you might feel kind of bad. Like you might have a headache or you might have a stomach ache, but that is just simply your body reacting to not having something that it had every single day, but that’s not a quote unquote withdrawal effect. There’s a difference in that.

You have to be able to, to know that like, if you come off of these medicines and anti-depressant specifically, you’re not going to go into a physical withdrawal. There are some that are more difficult to come off and others, but if your provider knows how to appropriately taper you down, it minimizes what we call discontinuation side effects. Just knowing how to do that is important. And obviously the provider communicating how to get off of it is important.

Carrie: Right? So that people can do that safely and effectively. 

Jennifer: If you just stop your medicine suddenly you are probably going to have side effects because you’re going from a hundred percent to zero. All of a sudden your body is probably going to react very negatively to that.

Carrie: What should people look for in terms of choosing a psychiatrist or a psychiatric nurse practitioner? 

Jennifer: The ultimate goal is somebody they feel comfortable with is important. I think to have the ability to have an open dialogue, to express concerns about your medicine at our clinic. Like we are a team and it’s a delicate balance to figure out what the correct path is. And if my patient feels like they can’t tell me that their medicine’s not working or that they’re having a side effect, or they feel like I’m going to get upset about that. It’s the relationship that needs a little bit of work because that’s not what we’re there for. Like if someone comes back and they tell me they stopped their medicine, sometimes they’ll say, they’ll come in and they’ll say, you’re going to be so upset with me. I just stopped my medicine over the weekend. And it’s like, I’m not upset with it. That was your choice. I’m sure it wasn’t probably didn’t feel very good.

So let’s just figure out what we’re going to do next and be able to have that open conversation without judgment and figure out what the best path is. I think I hear a lot of times stories where patients feel like they’re unheard and they just keep taking meds when they feel they’re not working for whatever reason, that’s not a good situation either. I think it’s also important for somebody to have humility because I’m not too proud to break out my books and look something up or to call somebody or to figure out. Because you just can’t know everything. You have to know what your limits are and you have to be willing to research something or to know when it’s time for you to call in somebody else. And if you have a provider who doesn’t do that, I think that’s hard for you, maybe to build a relationship sometimes. 

Carrie: I think what you’re saying is really true of any medical professional that you work with. You want to feel heard, you want to feel understood. You want to feel like, okay, this person has a plan. They’re offering me some guidance and not just guidance, but really some education on, instead of just here, take this medicine. Really providing some good education on the medication, why they think that would be a good medication for you and with the symptoms that you’re dealing with, what the potential for side effects are when they might see those wear off, so forth and so on. I think that it’s huge to understand that we have to be our own best advocate when we’re going into these situations, because we have to be able to communicate what’s going on in our own body. And sometimes people have a hard time with that. I think really communicating what has been going on with them

Jennifer: Because it makes it difficult. Sometimes if the patient is not telling everything because they don’t feel comfortable for whatever reason, then as a provider, if we don’t know the whole story, then we can’t adequately treat. I think a lot of times we don’t maybe get the whole story because of fear of judgment or shame or whatever. But I know in our practice, that’s not our job. Our job is not to judge or to guilt someone or to shame them. Our job is to figure out, okay, how do we move forward? How do we get back? Let’s figure out what our best plan is, but you can’t do that. If you’re not comfortable enough to share what’s going on, really got to find somebody that you can build that relationship with.

Carrie: Awesome. So as we’re getting towards the end of our podcast, I like to ask our guests to share a story of hope, which is a time in which you received hope from God or another person. 

Jennifer: I think for me, probably one of the most hopeful things was sort of born out of something really traumatic in 2009. 10 days after I got married, I had a very traumatic car accident and we spent our first month of married life in the hospital. And I was in a wheelchair for like three, nine specific three months until I could walk again. And just with the amount of prayers and people coming by and my sweet husband’s help driving me back and forth to the doctor, changing stuff at our house, like going to work and then coming back and picking me up and taking me to physical therapy.

And I was able to walk a month earlier and basically made what would be considered pretty much a full recovery. Over 10 years later, no real complications and have been able to sometimes use that story for people who have had something really traumatic physically happen to them. And they’re in that moment of why, what am I going to do? This is terrible and being able to say things like, listen, you can come out the other side of this, like I know right now it does not feel like that, but if you put your faith in Him, you can come out the other side of this and being able to use that sometimes in my practice. 

Carrie: That is really encouraging and hopeful because when you’re in that, the middle of that situation going okay, what am I going to be able to walk? When am I going to be able to do things for myself?

Jennifer: Normal stuff. Yeah. 

Carrie: That must’ve been a very hard situation. Thank you so much for coming on and sharing your wisdom about medication. We’re going to put the information in the show notes for a safe Harbor in Murphysboro, and they also have telehealth appointments. So if you’re in Tennessee or in the area at all and are looking for a new provider, now they know a little bit more about you.

Jennifer: Yes, we are accepting new patients. So give us a call. 

Carrie: Awesome. 

Jennifer: Thank you so much for having me. 

Carrie: You’re welcome. 

———

I hope that you found this interview valuable and helpful. I wanted to give you a quick update on our subscription service for the podcast. There have been just so many struggles and challenges as I’ve sought to do this in our original. I saw that we were going to be able to have a good monthly subscription service on the website, buy me a coffee that I had been using for people to give to the show who wanted to give and what I realized as I got further into the functionality. That I wasn’t able to share all of the audio files and different things that I wanted to be able to do on that website. So I’ve actually created a Patrion page that we’ll put in the show notes for Hope for Anxiety and OCD. If you’re not familiar with Patrion, it’s a website for podcasters and other creators to go on.

And it gives the opportunity for people to be able to support what you’re doing with a monthly gift that we have a smaller, monthly amount that you can give. If you just want to help support our editing efforts and help pay for our assistant to do social media, reach out to guests and so forth. If you’re looking for a little bit more self-help materials, I created a higher tier on Patrion for those of you who are listening to the show, but just feel like you want more content and more information. We’re going to have monthly question and answer times. I’m sharing some thought hush audio on there for dealing with difficult thoughts, whether you have anxiety or OCD, just very practical strategies, audio that you can listen to you exercises that you can go back in and practice over and over and over again until you feel like you become better at managing the anxiety and OCD that you’re experiencing.

So that’s something that’s of interest to you. You certainly can hop on for a month or two, try it out if you don’t like it, and you can cancel it at any time. If you do happen to hop on and try it out, I would love to hear what you think. And if some of those things are helpful and as well as if there’s any ways that we can make improvements to that subscription service, because I definitely want it to be of value to you. We’ll leave that link in the show notes, if you’re interested and thank you so much for listening.

Hope for Anxiety and OCD is a production of by the local counseling in Smyrna, Tennessee. Our original music is by Brandon Mangrum. Until next time may you be comforted by God’s great love for you.

53. Yoga Therapy for Trauma with Anissa Hudak

Anissa is a certified yoga therapist who helps traumatized women release the trauma from their bodies through yoga therapy.

  • How Anissa developed her interest not just in yoga, but yoga as a therapy
  • How has yoga therapy helped people whom Anissa has worked with?
  • The difference between yoga and yoga therapy
  • How does yoga therapy release trauma?
  • What is a yoga therapy session like?

Related links and resources:

Anissa HudakIf you enjoy the podcast and want to support what we’re doing, or if you’re looking for self-help materials to assist you on your journey of managing your anxiety and OCD in healthier ways. Audio teachings, relaxation exercises, and my book on how to find a therapist are provided for self-help via monthly subscription, go to www.patreon.com/hopeforanxietyandocd


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and like our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/hopeforanxietyandocd for the latest updates and sneak peeks.

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More Podcast Episodes

Transcript

Carrie: Hope for anxiety and OCD episode 53. I am your host, Carrie Bock. And today we are talking with Anissa Hudak on yoga therapy. So if you know anything about our show, we are all about mind, body, emotion, spirit. God has created us with all of these different aspects of our being. And it’s helpful to understand that healing can come in many different forms for people.

I like that yoga therapy combines the physical healing of our bodies while also there’s a level of emotional healing because trauma can become stored in the body. And we get into some of that on the show today. 

So without further do here is my interview. And this I’m so excited to have you on the show today to talk about yoga therapy.

This is just gonna be, I think, really helpful and informative for some of the, listeners who have experienced trauma. A lot of times there’s overlap between, you know, people who’ve experienced trauma and people who experience anxiety and OCD. So thank you for coming and talking with us about this.

Anissa: Well, thank you for having me on.

Carrie: Tell me a little bit about how you got interested in not just yoga, but further training to get into yoga therapy. 

Anissa: Well, you know, life is a journey and nobody wakes up one day and says, “I wanna work with people who’ve had trauma”.

Carrie: Right. That’s true.

Anissa: I started in 2013, with a teacher training course in yoga, and I just loved yoga. I had been practicing for several years at that point, and I wanted to be able to do my own yoga practice and keep myself safe. I didn’t wanna have to go to anybody else’s class and be on somebody’s schedule. So I took a, a teacher training course. It was the level one. I had no aspirations of doing anything else. And within a month of me finishing the class, I had two job offers. 

Carrie: Wow.

Anissa: And I kind of was like, okay, I think. Somebody’s trying to tell me something here. And so I had kind of gotten the bug. I really enjoyed the people I was interacting with in that class. And I decided I’m gonna take another class. And I kind of got that bug and, you know, I started teaching and it just kind of snowballed. So when I was signing up for some classes, I noticed that there were, classes for PTSD. At the time my husband was active duty military. We are stationed right outside of Fort Riley, Kansas. We had people, all kinds of, you know, men and women deploying coming back. We had tons of military in the community. I was like, I live in the belly of the beast here. You know, this would be a great thing to know to help my community. 

Carrie: Right. 

Anissa: And so I started on this track and I was in, first day, first class about halfway through and I sat there and said, “oh boy, the first person I need to work on is right here”. I hadn’t realized a how much trauma I had been through, how much PTSD I was really carrying around and how it had crawled into the nooks and crannies in my life and was actually holding me back. And I thought I had a really good handle on it, but I was like, I guess I don’t. And so it really became this self-discovery, self-healing. And in the process, I was able to help other people with it. And so it’s been a really amazing journey for me, not only personally, but also being able to help others.

Carrie: That’s incredible. I think that many people who have experienced trauma they find ways to survive, essentially survival skills and sometimes that’s cutting off their emotional experience. Sometimes it’s isolating in relationships. I mean, there can be a variety avoiding places and people and situations that make them triggered. It’s interesting to hear you say like, okay, well, I, I mean, I thought I had it together. I was, I was doing okay. Were there certain things that kind of came up in your practice or in that class that kind of were red flags for you of like, I really need to work on this. 

Anissa: I think that what really took me back was when I was learning the science behind it all, what’s going on in the brain, what’s going on in the body. It’s all science-based. And I sat there and I was like, this should be taught to everyone in high school biology. We should all know what happens with our body. We’re all gonna experience trauma on some level. And we know that when we break a bone, we go to the hospital, we have an x-ray, we get a cash.

However, when we break our central nervous system, how do we reset that, we’re not taught that. And that was what really clued me in, because we were talking about symptoms and I’m like, I do that. I do that too. Wait a minute. Wait, you know, and that’s when I really realized, okay, I don’t really have a handle on this.

Carrie: And I think that’s so true. It’s not clear-cut for people, how to heal from trauma. A lot of times there’s a lot of different ideas and thought processes out there. And unfortunately, sometimes people think, well, I can talk about it. I mean, it doesn’t really bother me. I can talk about it, but they haven’t dealt with these other layers of emotion and trauma being stored in the body.

Anissa: Absolutely. You know, I have a therapist, I take medication. There’s nothing wrong. I there’s no shame in it.

Carrie: Right. 

Anissa: However, there are more ways to skin a cat. And I don’t know why they say that. But there’s more ways to go about it. There’s so many layers to trauma and yes talking about it, working it out through your mind is wonderful. You know, sometimes we need a little bit of, you know, better living through chemistry and that’s okay, too. However, it’s in the body. We actually have muscles that trap emotion. And we need to release that or else you’re what we’re gonna, you know, progress in your healing journey. 

Carrie: That’s really incredible. I mean, I, I think most people don’t know that, or haven’t learned that haven’t realized that, you know, you can have emotional releases, through trauma work that are physiological and in your body. 

Anissa: And what’s sad is that this is not being taught in high school biology or, or what have you. But we all have this. We all need it. And that’s what really stuck with me. So not only did, was I learning this on a personal level and utilizing it, but also it kind of became, my mantra. I wanna bring this out. I want people to know what’s going on in your body. 

Carrie: Right. And there are people, especially who have experienced sexual trauma who are cut off from their physical experience, you know, due to what happened to them understandably so and that can cause problems. Obviously, when you get into relationships and you want to feel good having sex and you don’t, or your body starts to react in a way that you don’t want it to, you know, maybe you tense up when you don’t want to. So talk with us a little bit about what you’ve seen, maybe in the people that you’ve worked with, is that some of, kind of what you’ve done or how you’ve helped people?

Anissa: Well, the word yoga means yoke and it means to bring together. The body and the mind. 

Carrie: Okay. 

Anissa: And you could sit there and you could talk about your rape if you will. And it’s not a problem. And yet your body, you know, tells the different story because you’re not connected. There are certain things that I do in the class that help people to connect with their body again. Some people are really angry with their body. They didn’t protect them. And so they are disconnected from their body. They don’t wanna be in their body and they start living. And, and that’s one of the things about PTSD is that you really live from the neck up. 

Carrie: Yes. 

Anissa: You forget about the rest of your body. And it’s really where on the map, we’re able to bridge that gap and get people to start. Feeling in their body in a very safe and controlled environment. And it’s not scary. I think of my job as I welcome people back into their bodies. 

Carrie: That’s awesome. So tell us about the difference between yoga and yoga therapy.

Anissa: I love this. If we think of yoga as a big pie, If we split it down the middle and on one side we have fitness based yoga and there are so many wonderful techniques at different ways that Aerial yoga there’s, you know, Ashtanga and  and coed, naked, hot yoga, and you know, all of these different things. And they’re great for a workout. Will it encompass your mind? Will it do similar things absolutely? Can you have an emotional release in one of these classes? Yes, you can. However, here’s the difference. On the other side, we have yoga therapy and all of have been especially trained for a specific thing. So we have yoga therapy for arthritis, cardiac rehab cancer. And so we all have our special, you know, niche that we work in. Being that it’s PTSD trauma and TBIs, traumatic brain injuries. 

I have special protocols that I have to go through. If someone has an emotional release on the mat, I know how to handle that. I’ve been taught how to handle that. I know how to keep them safe. Everyone else in the class safe, myself safe and various other things. However, someone who is fitness based yoga, you know, teaches, they may not have that background. They may not know how to help you. Through that emotional relief, they might even kick you out of the class for being a disturbance. Now that’s not gonna be helpful if you’re having an emotional release.

Carrie: Right. 

Anissa: So really finding what meets your needs is incredibly important. 

Carrie: Yes. 

Anissa: You wanna find a class that, that really caters to what your needs are, and if you can’t find maybe a yoga therapy class, if you talk with the instructor for a regular fitness-based class. They might be able to help you either in their class or find someone else.

Carrie: Now I would imagine that you would have to do this on a smaller scale. If you are working through, you know, traumatic release, you’re not gonna want a large number of people in there is that true? Do you tend to have like smaller base classes or one on one work with people? 

Anissa: I do one on one. I do smaller base classes. That is my personal preference. I think it’s more intimate. 

Carrie: Sure.

Anissa: I think we create a better bubble if you will. It, you know, it is a little bit easier to kind of keep, watch over everyone to ensure, the classes themselves are really about having smaller, emotional releases. They may not even know what’s happening. They may not even feel it happening. Now there is a technique that we can do that’s actually a, a larger emotional release. Those are done one on one. Those are done after I’ve gotten to know the student. I mean, they’re not gonna just walk through the door and say, Hey, I wanna do a major emotional release.

No, we’re not gonna do that. I need to know this person. I kind of need to know the background. I’ve had students who are with me for three months and they do it. I’ve had a student with me for over five years and we’ve never done it. It really depends on where the student is, you know, with their practice and, and with their healing.

Carrie: Do you find that people that you work with also practice outside of their time with you? Is that part of, the component that’s helpful? 

Anissa: Some poses I teach for them to utilize outside the class. And sometimes a student will say, “you know, I was making my coffee this morning and I found myself in, you know, tree pose”. And they start living their yoga off the mat, which is really a beautiful thing. And they’re doing it really unintentionally. It just kind of subconsciously happens. And that’s really where the fun is. 

Carrie: I remember from this has been years ago since I used to go to yoga classes pretty regularly. And I remember one of the teachers saying, “you know, eventually you’ll be in tune with your body enough to know what type of like, poses and stretching that you, your body needs that day, you know, based on just kind of how you’re feeling”. And I would imagine it’s, it’s similar in the emotional reality. 

Anissa: It is when I queue oppose, there’s a lot of different languaging around it. I mean, you know, usually, in most classes they’re like, okay, you know, downdog and you know, updog. And I phrase my cues, like, I’m gonna invite you to join me in downdog giving people the power to make the decision when we’ve experienced trauma. A lot of times our power has been taken away from us.

Carrie: Right.

Anissa: And so this actually gives how we’re back and then I’ll say, you know, here we are, we’re in kneeling warrior one, and you have options with your arms. You can do this, you can do that. You can, what is your body wanting today? Where do you feel like you wanna be today? And that again, not only gives them options and their power back to make that decision, but also helps them connect with their body. What am I feeling today? Do I want my arms up? Do I want them to the side? And so that helps to bridge that disconnection, giving them power and connecting the body and the mind.

Carrie: Is there, a typical, I don’t know if length of treatment is the right way to say it, but is there a typical time frame that people come to see you? Do they usually come once a week for a few months or does it just depend on how much trauma they’ve experienced? Can you talk to us kind of a little bit about what that pattern is like?

Anissa: So pre-COVID when we all got to see one another. 

Carrie: Right. 

Anissa: You know, I ran cut classes three times a week. Sometimes, you know, I had somebody in three times a week. It really depends on the person and what their trauma is and how they’re dealing with it. They could be with me for three months. They could be with me for three years.

Each person is so individual. There’s no way to say that there’s a set time protocol. 

Carrie: Sure. 

Anissa: It’s kind of like chiropractic care. The more you do it, the, the better it is, the longer it lasts. And so, you know, that’s what I recommend. That’s why I ran three classes a week, but everybody’s schedule is different.

Carrie: Sure. 

Anissa: So some is better than none. 

Carrie: Yes. Yes. Some is better than none but works on a lot of different areas I’m sure. What kind of results are people seeing from, from doing yoga therapy? 

Anissa: Well, one of the things they usually fall in love with yoga and that, you know, it usually becomes a lifelong thing at that point. They may not go to a trauma-based class, but they might find maybe a fitness-based class that they like, or a different type of restorative class, or, but they become a lifelong fan, which is kinda fun. And it’s really amazing to watch someone have a breakthrough on the mat. You know, you see the light bulb go on, you see something change and it’s beautiful. And it’s wonderful. And to know that you’ve had maybe just a little bit to do with that is really a blessing. 

Carrie: Are you finding that people are less triggered by being in certain poses? Maybe that they were in during the the trauma, like, positioning of their body. I don’t know if that’s.

Anissa: Absolutely. You know, poses can definitely bring on triggers. And, one of the things that I like to do is I like to talk with my students before they even enter my class. You know, tell me a little bit about it, you know, why are you here? Okay. You’ve been raped. Okay. You know, as a two-time rape survivor, you know, I, I walk that walk I get it.  And so I’m really careful about that. You know, one of the number one rule in my class is we do not use any straps. You know, lots of classes use yoga straps, and they’re wonderful things not in my class. We, we don’t use that. The lights remain on at all times. We don’t turn off the lights. I never leave my mat. And if I have to leave my mat, I announce it before I leave. 

That way people aren’t like, why is she walking behind me? And you know, what is she doing? I hardly ever touch my students. I will cue something and differently and reword it. You know, X number of times to see if I can get them into the right pose in the right way. However, if I can’t and I do need to touch them, I ask them, I announce I’m leaving my mat. I go to them. So I, but I also keep in mind, who’s in my class. What if they’ve been dealing with what can’t we do, what should we be doing? How can I do an alternative to that pose so we can get the same result, but maybe in a different way.

Carrie: I think those things that you named as far as just from someone who’s been in yoga class before, I think that those things are huge safety features for trauma survivors because I have been in classes where. Teachers walked her around and where teachers did touch you. And some of them asked and some of them didn’t, some of them just kind of were like, nope, you’re doing this wrong. And let me move your body so you can do it right. I was like, I don’t like that at all. I don’t wanna be touched by somebody. I don’t know that I don’t feel comfortable with. So, I appreciate you spelling that out. I think that that’s so important. 

Anissa: Those are absolute keys as to, you know, what we do because we don’t wanna re-trigger someone.

Carrie: Right.

Anissa: I mean, you know, we’re there to help. And so we have to have different kind of protocols. I said, the way I phrase questions, that’s again psychological, but so needed and so necessary for what we do. And so our class is incredibly different than what you’re gonna see or experience in a regular fitness based class. 

Carrie: That’s good. It’s good to definitely know the differences and it sounds like you definitely have a lot more training than someone who’s just doing fitness based yoga. Is there a certain credentialing process that you had to go through?

Anissa: Well, I became a 500 hour R I T registered yoga trainer teacher.

Carrie: Okay. 

Anissa: Again, I never set out to even ever teach. And so when I say that I kind of giggle because I’m like who would’ve ever thought. And then at that point I had taken so much class so many classes. I had done so much research. I had done other things that I was able to get credentialed through the international association of yoga therapists. And we have a governing body. I just went through my re crench my re-credentialing. It’s great to have a body over us that says, this is what we’re doing. You can go to their website. And that’s I A Y T.com and you can actually find a yoga therapist in your area.

Carrie: Awesome. That’s really great. I think having those certification processes and the governing bodies to making sure there’s some accountability that you have a certain level of training and that, you know what you’re doing, you know, so that’s, that’s huge. Is there anything else that you feel like be helpful for us to know about yoga therapy or about what you do, you know, related to helping people heal from trauma?

Anissa: I would say the most important thing is really when you are going to be employing someone to help you in your healing journey, ensure that they are going to meet your needs. But for instance, if you’re going to go see a therapist and you’ve experienced sexual trauma. Find someone that specializes in sexual trauma. And I will, I’ll tell you firsthand. I had worked with a lot of different therapists and I would progress on my healing journey, but I was still finding that I was going back to therapy and talking about it.

This last time I found a man, I had never worked with a man before you know, I had only worked with women. So I was like, I dunno how I feel about that. 

Carrie: A little hesitant. 

Anissa: I really was. And he specializes in sexual trauma. I have done more work and more healing with this man as my therapist than I’ve ever done in the past with any one person or actually all together, it’s been amazing. So when you find people who meet your needs, that’s really vitally important. Again, you don’t wanna walk into the yoga studio on the corner. And expect to have, you know, these, this brilliant thing happens, something else is gonna happen in there. And it may not be to your liking again, find someone who can meet your needs. And I think that that is key. 

Carrie: That is huge, you know, making sure that you can get connected with the right person. I know that that’s absolutely essential for seeking therapy for different things. Sometimes you work with a therapist for a little while and they can only take you so far and you may have to find somebody else like you were saying that can take you to that next level. And it’s usually when you are looking for that next person that you’re looking for, something a lot more specific. Maybe then you were the first time.

Anissa: Absolutely. I think the other thing I would have to stress is healing, especially from any kind of trauma is a very individual thing. And people try different things and they say, like essential oils didn’t work for me. Okay that’s cool. They may not have worked for you at that point in time where you were in your healing journey, who you were as a person. Try it again in three months, six months, 12 months. Keep trying it again, because you’re at a different point in your healing journey. You’re a different person. Your trauma is different at that point. And so something that may not have worked early on might work later on. So keep trying things. 

Carrie: I think that’s essential for maintaining hope and that’s a lot of what this podcast is about is help people know that there’s hope and theres healing out there, but so often it comes in layers. Sometimes clients will go through a round of therapy and they’ll be doing really well.

And then they’ll be back in six months and they’re like, I don’t understand why I’m still struggling with this. And I’m like, well, you know, you just, you’ve reached a different layer. It’s time for us to do a little bit of deeper that next level of work that you weren’t ready to do that a year ago. And now you are. So this is actually a good thing. This is a good part of your process to like keep going through that work. So I appreciate you saying that. So as we’re kind of winding down the episode here, I like to ask our guests to share a story of hope, which is a time where you’ve received hope from God or another person.

Anissa: I had this really incredible experience. I talked earlier about having that large emotional release. I was in a teacher training class for yoga. And we did that. We, and it was the first time I had ever experienced it. And I was sobbing. I mean, I had such an emotional release and I was sobbing and sobbing. And then always like, you know, my luck. Right after we do this, it’s lunchtime and they’re providing us with a luncheon. Know, when you go to a yoga training course, you know, and they do that. You’re usually eating like nuts and berries, you know? So there was like salad, you know, you know, it wasn’t anything major, but, you know, so there’s, you know, salads or whatever, and I’m sitting there and I’m like sobbing into my salad. I sobbed for an hour and a half. 

Carrie: Wow. 

Anissa: And women, you know, these wonderful yoginis were coming up to me and saying, “are you Ok, dear?” I just released my salad and I, just go ahead. Just cry it out, just let it go. And nobody was affected by it. Everybody was like, just cry. Let it go. Let it go. You gotta get it out. And I wasn’t chastised. I was encouraged to cry. I was surrounded by all of these beautiful women. They all understood. They all got it. Nobody cared and there was such acceptance and peace around it. 

It was just really lovely. And so when I have a student in my class who cries on the mat and it happens, that’s part of my job is to make people cry you know. I encourage them to cry, let it out. This is great. This is a wonderful thing. Let it go. And what I have found is that the other participants in the class, they start saying it too. And we create this beautiful, safe place for this person to do this release work. And I love how the other generally women in my class. Join in and do that as well. 

Carrie: I think that’s so powerful because so many times there’s kind of this pressure of feel better, pat you on the back. it’ll be okay. You’ll be fine. And instead of allowing that emotional experience, which really in your case was like a gift at that moment. And so for people to be able to say, like that’s here and you can welcome it. And we’re here for you and we’re in support of you instead of like, go away and have that somewhere else. Or like, it’ll all be better. Just, you know, chin up girl or something like that. 

Those societal messages are so I like that, you know, story because we need more of that in our just general society as we’re going through the world and loving on people and I know that I’ve been able to provide some of that for my clients, to who are never given that permission to feel as children or in their adult relationships. It’s just like, crying’s okay. You know, people apologize all the time for crying and we don’t need to like crying is a human thing let it happen. It’s all okay.

Anissa: Absolutely it is. it’s being human. We should never have to apologize for being human. 

Carrie: Right. Absolutely, absolutely. Well, Anissa, thank you so much. For coming on, this was informative for me and I know it’s going to be for our listeners as well, and we will put links to your website in the show notes. If people would like to reach out to you, are you doing some virtual classes then?

Anissa: Everything now is online. 

Carrie: Okay. 

Anissa: And I’m actually in the process of getting ready to release a membership for women who’ve been sexually traumatized. And in there there’s going to be recorded sessions. There’s going to be live sessions. We’re gonna have lots of education and all kinds of wonderful things in there to help women along their journey. I’m super excited about it. I actually started working on this pre-COVID. But then, you know, everybody was here in my house during COVID. I couldn’t hear myself think now that we’re kind of back to someone normal. I can get back to what I was doing. 

Carrie: Okay. Awesome, that’s great. 

Anissa: Well, I appreciate you having me on thank you so very much. 

Carrie: Thank you. I am so glad that you tuned in to hear the show today. If you like our show, please be sure to rate and review on iTunes or other platforms. This helps people find the show who are also looking for some great hope, encouragement, and support.

Hope for anxiety and OCD is a production of By The Well Counseling in Smyrna, Tennessee. Our original music is by Brandon Mangrum. Until next time may be comforted by God’s great love for you.

52. Anxiety, Attachment Trauma, and Sex/Porn Addiction with Matt Wenger, LPC

Matt is a licensed professional counselor and the clinical director of Boulder Recovery. He initially sought a career in church ministry,  but moved into the mental health field and started working with individuals recovering from sexual addiction.

  • The connection between anxiety, attachment trauma and sex/porn addiction
  • How does addiction develop?
  • How does addiction affect anxiety?
  • The link between childhood experience and addiction.
  • How does shame around unwanted sexual behaviors affect one’s relationship with God?
  • How long does sexual addiction recovery take?
  • Recovery program for porn/sexual addiction

Links and resources:
Boulder Recovery

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Transcript

Carrie: Welcome to Hope for Anxiety and OCD where we are all about reducing shame, increasing hope, and developing healthier connections with God and others. I’m your host, Carrie Bock. And today we are going to be talking about an important topic that affects a lot of Christians and non-Christians and that’s sex porn addiction.

We’re gonna talk about the connection between anxiety, attachment trauma and these issues. So if you’ve tuned into the show before you know that we’re not shy about talking about different issues that people face that are connected to anxiety. So here today, I have Matt Wininger, who is a licensed professional counselor and also the clinical director of Boulder recovery in Colorado. Welcome to the show.

Matt: Thank you, Carrie. Thanks for having me.

Carrie:So today we’re talking about sex porn addiction, which is an issue that many Christian men deal with. Do you see this issue as being as prevalent in the church as outside the church?

Matt:Oh yeah. It’s hard to understate the breadth of this addiction. I mean, we live in such a, um, saturated world when it comes to sex and objectification of women and, and men, and it affects it. Doesn’t, it doesn’t really seem to know like a boundary between the secular and the Christian world. Most of the men that I’ve treated both in secular context in, in Christian programs, uh, have been Christian.

I think that there’s just an increased level of, of shame around it for Christians and they, they seek out treatment, but this knows no bounds. It’s an epidemic really.

Carrie: Right. And really thanks to the internet. It’s very easy to keep the secret and keep it hidden. I mean, now, um, people have not just computers, but smartphones and tablets. And oftentimes this can go on for a while before anyone else really knows.

Matt: Yeah. I mean, it’s changed so much, you know, when you work with the older guys and we, I just, I see men exclusively for this. A lot of times they’ll talk about how it started, you know, magazines and print and things like that. And you just have to go to the corner store or, or whatever, to get a magazine or, or something like that. And, um, there was a little bit of a barrier there, you know, to have to leave your house and go and purchase something in person. But right now it’s, I mean, you can get, you can get some of this content for less than a dollar.

You can get it anytime you want. You can get some of it for free on your phone, in your pocket at any time. And there’s a myriad ways of hiding. What it is that you’re doing. And, and in some ways it’s more difficult to deal with than even some substance addiction, just because of the ease of access and that how easy it is to get it in terms of cost.

Carrie: That makes sense, because it’s also something that you can run into even when you’re not looking for it. And that happens to, to children sometimes on the internet, they’re searching for something else and this pops up and, you know, next thing you know, that’s, that’s a scary rabbit hole to go. From the outside, people really see addiction as a problem, but it actually starts out as a solution to a problem, help us understand kind of how addictions develop. 

Matt: I believe that addictions arise to regulate an unregulated nervous Sy regulated nervous system. So what I mean by that is addiction arises to cope with sensations within the body that feel overwhelming.

So an unregulated nervous system is, you know, things that are shooting me up to an 11 in my nervous system, like rapid heartbeat, uh, difficulty breathing, those kinds of things, or crashing me down into what we would call kind a dorsal response or, or, or a frozen response. So there’s that fight or flight is at the 11 and the dorsal is kind of that negative one where I’m in that frozen.

And I can get a dysregulated nervous system in a lot of ways, but what we call that is just trauma, right? Where, um, something is overwhelming my brain overwhelming my nervous system. And I, I lose the ability to process. Whenever I get a, a memory that’s associated with that or an experience in my day-to-day life that’s associated with that.

I associated with that trauma. Then it’s gonna put me back in that place in my nervous system. So people talk about this all the time. Being triggered, you know, triggered by something, um, traumatic from the past. Well, it has an effect on our nervous system, not just, you know, the way we feel emotion, it can put us into that fight or flight space, or it can put us into that place of shutdown and withdraw or frozen.

That can lead to addictions as an outside source of regulation that I can reach out for something to calm my nervous system down, or to bring it up out of that frozen space. So guys will often say like, oh, I’m was so stressed, I’m stressed. And I just overwhelmed and I need to release or come down from that 11 or stress relief. Or I need to feel something. I was stuck in a depressive state and I had to like shoot up out of that at Boulder recovery, we use the Tena model, which is called trauma-induced sexual addiction. So it linked traumatic events to the dysregulation in your nervous system. And as your nervous system is disregulated, it cries out for coping cries out for relief.

It cries out to regulate. And if I had that early trauma between zero and 20 years old and a maladaptive sexual experience, like early exposure to pornography or, um, molestation or sexual abuse or something like that, and that stuff kinda wires together, that every time I need to cope. I can go to that thing that I was exposed to, and that feels, I feel okay for a little bit.

I feel like comforted or nurtured or calm or peaceful. I, my nervous system comes down or I begin to feel when I, when I was empty or hollow. And as long as if I keep going back to that as a young person into my teenage years and into adulthood, I keep going back again and again and again, again, and now I’m dealing with addiction.

This kind of rut and my brain has been formed and wherever the ditch is dug, the water’s gonna flow. Right. And so, again and again, and again, and then all of a sudden I’m what, what you described as a solution, which what was once, um, wanted, is now needed to feel okay on a day-to-day kind of basis. And that’s the transition between something that’s just coping.

And now that is addiction something that wanted or something that was a solution to a problem of how I felt dysregulated and emotion that I did not like, or was not comfortable. Has now become a problem because of the compulsivity around it and the way in which it is damaging my life.

Carrie: Right. And all of a sudden, there’s, there’s more problems that end up happening, like relationship issues. So do you find that a lot of times brings men into treatment?

Matt: Oh yeah. A classic thing in addiction, right? Like gotta hit rock bottom before you’re gonna really do something about it, but nine times outta 10, you guys are coming to see us. They got caught, but that’s what doesn’t tell the whole story  because part of it is they are a relief.

They’re tired, they’re sick and tired, of doing this. They’re sick and tired of living that way. And when they do get caught, their whole life blows up and maybe they’re ready to give it up and maybe they’re not, but they’re tired of living that way. And just living on that rollercoaster too.

So sometimes guys come and see us because they really wanna work on themselves and they want to get better and they wanna find health. And then sometimes more often than not, it’s, it’s a, it’s a crisis, you know, it’s a response to crisis in their relationship,

Carrie: Right. In order to get help for these types of things, you really have to be willing to examine yourself and start to look at some of those painful feelings that you’ve been avoiding and that’s really hard work to do. And so oftentimes people don’t seek that out until their situation becomes too painful. That, that they’re forced to deal with that.

Matt: Yeah. And I think you’re right. And the crazy thing about emotions and trauma is that they’re going on all of the time, whether we acknowledge them or not.

And sure. And if I can like spend decades of just shoving it down and ignoring it. And I think that I’m dealing with it. That’s just false. It’s affecting my life in, in every which way emotions will be dealt with one way or the other. Either we face them and we deal with them and the pain and whatever else around them, or they’re gonna come sideways.

They’re gonna come out as passive-aggressive. They’re gonna come out as rage. They’re gonna come out as anxiety. They’re gonna come. You know, you, you can. Kind of joke around with guys about how, you know, they’ve been, they think that they’ve been dealing with anxiety by using their addiction, but really what they’re doing is just exponentially causing more anxiety in their life. And the thing that they’re trying to get a solution for is creating even more of the same, the irony in that is apparent, but oh man, addiction is going to the same thing again and again, and again, expecting different results. And so you can joke with guys, but it’s deadly serious that if you don’t get treatment, then it’s gonna escalate and it’s gonna get worse for.

Carrie: Right. That makes sense. That makes sense. You talked about this a little bit before, just in terms of regulation of the nervous system. Talk with us a little bit more about that connection that you’ve seen between. The early childhood experiences, the anxiety and the sexual addiction.

Matt: Sure. I kind of talk about it in two ways. Well, there’s attachment wounds that are kind of at the core of this, right? With that tr traumatic attachment wounds. So sometimes the trauma can happen outside the home and the primary caregivers don’t do a great job of dealing with it. Right. They try to ignore it or they try to minimize it or you, Hey, you’re fine.

We’re all fine. Everybody’s fine. And um, sometimes guys will tell me that was more damaging than the trauma that happened outside the home.

Carrie: I’ve heard that as well. Yeah, just the response or lack of response to it.

Matt: Yeah. And, and, and that’s really sad. You know, I worked with a guy who was kidnapped and when the police found him, his parents never brought it up ever again.

And he, that, for him that was more damaging than, than the actual event in the sexual abuse that happened during the kidnapping to have him describe it. There’s kind of that trauma that happens outside the home, but the real damage I think is done with the primary caregiver. So either in that kind of, uh, dismissal or denial or, um, minimization of emotion within the home, which we call like a cold box, the emotions there are cold.

You know, big caregivers have their back turned to the young person. Emotionally vacant would be another phrase there or the hot box where there’s a lot of emotion, but it’s chaos and there’s violence or abuse, uh, physical abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, all the sexual abuse. So in the hot box,  the kid is reaching out for connection and support and validation and love and all that stuff.

But in response, they’re getting hurt and they’re getting abused. Even if they’re being told that they’re loved, they’re not being treated that way. And in the cold box, the kids reaching out the same way again and again, and again, to get their needs met, but they’re being ignored or invalidated, or there’s this cold, emotionally vacant response as the parents are distracted by something else and they can’t or want pay attention to, to the young.

So what happens is in both of those scenarios, the kid will reach out again and again and again for connection and validation. And what they’re doing when they’re reaching out for that is they’re. Mom dad or whoever, uh, help me, help me understand my world, help me understand where I’m feeling, help me calm down, nurture me, cultivate me, comfort me.

All of those things. That’s how you develop a healthy nervous system is you co-regulate with a secure and safe person when you’re. As your brain and your nervous system develops. But if you don’t get that and they’re either abusing you or dismissing you or they well, hot box or cold box, then the kid eventually says, this person is not safe.

They’re not consistent. And so I cannot get my needs met through this person. So all guys that I’ve talked to that struggle with sex addiction have either said this out loud, or they’ve said it to themselves. I guess I have to take care of myself. 

Carrie: Wow. So I have to be the one to meet my own needs because mom or dad is not available to meet those needs for me.

Matt: Yeah. And so what do I do right. I don’t have this person to co-regulate with, I don’t have this person to help physiologically help me form my, a regulated nervous system. So I have to rely on some, and then there incomes that maladaptive sexual experience, right? Oh, that made me feel good. I didn’t really like that, but it made me feel something and that was kind of exciting or interesting or powerful in some way.

And, and what if I go back there that can really, that, that can change my physiological state, obviously they’re kids and not thinking about it in those terms, but sure. They’ll go back. And they’ll go back again and they’ll go back a couple more times and then as they continue to age, it’ll be more and more and more and more, and it’ll continue to escalate until it’s compulsion or addiction.

Carrie: So, I mean, I think that’s great. I haven’t heard that the hot box cold box explanation, but I really like that. I, I think it does happen. In one of those two extremes in terms of attachment trauma, from what I’ve seen. And, and we have a previous episode of people wanna go back and with Laura Mullis, where we talk about specifically about childhood wounding, and is that the key to unlocking your anxiety, I think is what that show is called, but it’s very interesting, the connections between that, that you’ve made for us and sex addiction because I think a lot of times people look at addiction and their focus of treatment really is on abstinence. Like we need to just get you away from whatever it is. Yeah. And then you’ll be okay, as long as you’re not doing that, as long as that’s not available to you, as long as you’re not engaging with it, just kind of white knuckle get through it. And that’s not really ever dealing with the root cause of the issue.

Matt: Right. And the absence of a compulsive behavior does not make health right.  If I’m dealing with an underlying traumatic issue where my nervous system has not formed or developed in a way that is. Healthy or, or lends itself to health, then, then not doing the compulsive behavior is not gonna bring me closer to health.

It’s gonna put more stress on the system. It’s gonna push me into other methods of coping. And that’s where we see guys that white knuckle, like you’re describing it where they’re just. Dry drunk and they’re doing everything to just not do the behavior, but what, like I said, what comes out? Sideways rage, emotional abuse, psychological abuse of their partner.

They’re manipulative, they’re controlling, they’re angry. They’re overwhelmed with all of these other things. And maybe they’re. There’s even, um, comorbidity with alcohol or, or something else to try to help them cope with it. So the, the elimination of the unwanted behavior is never the answer.

Carrie: Yeah. Talk with us about the shame piece, cuz I can imagine that you have Christian men that come there and say, “you know, I spiritually, I am free in Christ and I am a new creation and I’ve been made new and they’ve, I’m sure prayed about this struggle, maybe memorized Bible verses.” And they still feel stuck like in this cycle. And then they’re ashamed because they’re like, I can’t seem to get, get out of it. How do you guys address this?

Matt: On the one hand, Christian men struggle immensely with shame around unwanted sexual behaviors. And on the other hand, it’s not that dissimilar to, to other guys, but the things that are unique to the Christian experiences. I’m not just damaging myself and my own relationships.

I feel a brokenness and a separation in my relationship with God, which is a huge piece or the number one piece of my identity. There’s this spiritual stressor on top of the relational stressor on top of everything else, Christian men are carrying that around as a disruption within their own identity as, uh, men created by God.

For his perfect and for his glory, right? It’s an extra weight on their shoulders. Then, the odd thing is, and I guess it’s not too surprising that theologically, they won’t argue with you that you know, that I’m loved by God and that God forgives me and that God died for me. And that I am a new creation and all the things that you said, Carrie, but functionally, they don’t really act.

They don’t really believe it. So they have theological beliefs on one hand and functional beliefs on the other. So they will look around in the group of, of men that are doing group therapy together. And this, you know, God loves all of you guys. And the subtext there is God loves everybody, except for me, S is by faith for everyone, but me, but I have to prove it.

I have to earn it or the idea. That is sneaky because it’s so close to the truth that sin separates me from God. And that I have a disrupted relationship with God because of this addiction. Paul says in Romans there’s nothing height or depth or life or death or angels or demons that can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus.

So in a way, sin separates us from God, but Jesus has bridged that. Gap. And then we accept him in relationship and, as our savior and as the justifier and the one who’s made us right before God, then there isn’t anything separating us. And even addiction cannot separate us from God, even an addiction that feels, uh, shameful and dark and isolating.

So part of the treatment for Christian men is bringing into question some of their theological beliefs. And do you actually really believe. And do you function as if you do, and what would it be like if you actually functioned as if these theological beliefs were true? And what we find with Christian men is that trauma is the culprit yet again because trauma causes me to treat God and, and to project onto God, the caregiver relationships that I was wounded by.

So. As fast. Absolutely. Like if you talk to somebody who was abused by a parent and you get down to the nitty-gritty, their functional belief is that God is out to get them, that they are bad and that God wants to punish them or hurt them or withhold good things from them because they’re bad. And they deserve to be punished, which is hot box.

And if they grew up in an emotionally dismissive environment, emotionally, they. They tend to believe that God has his back to them and that they have to perform to get him to demonstrate love and care and warmth and affection for them. And they have to do the right rain dance to get God to respond.

And in both of these scenarios, religion, And superstition weasel their way in where Christian guys would be like, Hey man, I’m doing all the right things. I’m putting all the quarters in the pot machine and on, God’s not doing what I want him to do. I prayed for 10 years to, for him to take away this addiction.

And he’s not, or I’m a missionary or I’m a passion. I devoted my life to this and God is letting me down as if this rain dance and performance is gonna manipulate God into treating me the way that I wanted to. So now issues of resentment have popped up in their relationship with God. So it’s layered and nuanced, but one of the joys of working with Christian men is helping them come into a deeper understanding of the ways in which trauma has polluted, even their relationship with God, and seeing the rule on and, and see renewal around that super.

Carrie: Some of the greatest distances between our head and our heart. You probably have heard someone say that before, so we can know the right things theologically, and yet they haven’t really sunk down into our heart in an emotional level of yes. Like I am a child of God, like really able to sit with that and rest in it versus like, oh yeah, I know I’m God’s child like, well, yeah, I know. Yeah. You know, nothing can separate me from his love. it’s a different level there.

Matt: So, yeah.  And that’s a, like, again, a function of the attachment that they experienced. Right. They were told that they were loved or they assumed that they were loved. So like an abusive parent, you know, I’m sorry, I did that.

I’m sorry. I blew up. I’m sorry that blah, blah. You know, I love you, right? No, I love you, right. Oh. And then what’s the kids’ response every time. I used to work with children and, and, and they’ll agree. And they’ll be like, yeah, I, yeah, I know, you know, little littles, little kids assume that their parents love them and that they are gonna respond to them.

The next time, even if all of the evidence tells them that they won’t. So it’s this cognitive understanding of what love is with a lack of experiencing that love. And it’s the same way for the cold box kids. So they talk to guys all the time and they’re like, oh yeah, I have great childhood. Dad came into all my baseball games.

We went on vacation or whatever, but when you get down to. Nitty gritty. Like there was no eye contact. There was no physical affection, no one ever talked about emotions. Everything was, you know, tamped down. And again, they’re being told that they’re loved, but they’re not experiencing that. So why would it be any different than their relationship with God?

My obligation then as a Christian is to assume that God loves me, even when I don’t or have never really experienced that love, cuz I probably wouldn’t know it even if it fit me on. 

Carrie: Tell me about the recovery program that you’re involved with and what that looks like. 

Matt: Boulder Recovery and our kind of sister program, the secular program begin again, Institute.

Those are 14-day intensive programs where we bring guys from all over the country to stay with us for two weeks. And they all come in together and they all leave together. So it’s kind of cohort model. We do intensive trauma therapy every day of that program. And we also do psychoed around trauma and addiction and attachment wounding and expose them to different trauma modalities so that they can get to the root of their traumatic experiences.

Feel through those experiences, learn how those have developed and perpetuated their a. Then we teach ’em about neurochemistry and dopamine, the, you know, addiction cycles and things like that. And so we, so we’re teaching ’em about trauma and how to feel their feelings. We teach them about the neurochemistry and the brain, and we teach them how their addiction is damaged, their relationships, and how that has developed and how that has happened.

And then we equip them to, uh, begin a strong recovery. So those are kind of the four major beats of the program over those two weeks. And that whole time we’re doing individual trauma sessions and group, uh, trauma work. It’s really helpful for guys. It’s a strong running start into lifelong recovery.

Carrie: Have you, do you have some data surrounding people that you followed up with say at 30 days or 90 days after your program or six months?

How, what has that looked like for you guys as far as success rates? 

Matt: We have about like a 94, 90 5% satisfaction rating. It’s really high. You know, I don’t like to talk about that stuff because people that are those are guys that are just leaving the program. They really enjoyed it. And they, they really felt like they made a lot of growth, but they haven’t quite gone back to the real world yet.

And then the guys that we do hear from positively like that’s kind of a select sample size, isn’t it? Where they’re just. That you hear about, right? Yeah. But we do get a lot of positive feedback. We see a lot of success and we have a network of therapists all over the country that we refer to get referrals from.

They keep coming in and, and we hear from our refers all the time that, uh, guys are making breakthroughs and, and are changing their lives when they get back. 

Carrie: That’s awesome. So do you see it as like a way for them to really kickstart their recovery process. And then of course, they’re gonna need follow-up like therapy to continue working through some of the hose things.

Matt: You’re not gonna be able to cure. You know, compulsive behavior and addiction in two weeks, but what you can do sure is crack some things open, look at things from a new perspective, do some deep dives because you can’t really do that in weekly therapy. You do, you, you make a, you make some big gains in, in a trauma session, but then you, you know, put your seatbelt back on and you go back to work or.

Go home. And then it’s the kids and job and stress, and it’s hard to get traction sometimes in those deeper issues. And what we can do is keep guys in the work for eight hours, 14 days in a row. And, um, you can see a lot of progress in a lot of change, um, through that kind of method. And so it’s a great avenue for people that are entering into recovery.

It’s a good thing for guys who have been sober for a while and kind of need a tune-up. And it’s a great opportunity for guys who have been sober for a long time, but are still struggling with residual effects of trauma. So we see all three types of guys. What I really enjoy is working with guys that are motivated and, uh, motivated to change, motivated to grow.

And that’s not all of our clients, by the way, like sometimes guys are like, decide they want to come see us register with us. And then somewhere in flight, I assume they decide that they’re not an addict anymore and they show up and they’re like, yeah, I don’t know. I don’t know if this is for me, you know, but at that point we kind of, we kind of got ’em, we got their keys and their phone and everything and, and the rest of the group can say, Hey man, I think this is a serious issue for you too.

So there’s some, sometimes we get some guys that are stuck in denial and, but we can work. We can work through that. 

Carrie: So as we’re getting towards the end of the podcast, I like to ask our guests to share a story of hope, which is a time in which you received hope from God or another person

Matt: Yeah, I was thinking about this before, cuz I knew you were gonna ask me that and I just get so much of that in my life.  I’m blessed to have that, you know, guys will email me all the time. I have this one guy who just emails me a picture of his chip. Every couple months. So like, he’ll take a picture of an essay. They have these little coins. And he’ll just take a picture. He just send me his one-year coin and no, no text, nothing.

Yeah. It’s like no subject line. It was just like a picture of his, his coin. It’s always fun to get those, but I did get an email last week from a guy who just wanted to be an encouragement and just, Hey, I just wanna remind you that you guys changed my life. He was telling me how he is moved back in with his wife and, um, his kids.

And he’s been sober for nine months. He’s just really killing it. So it’s always encouraging to get those kind of emails and to speak with guys that are finding traction and how. Not just because they’re no longer like in the deep hole of addiction, but because they’re becoming authentic and whole people and the kind of people that you really wanna spend time with, not just people that aren’t doing a thing

Carrie:  Yeah. It’s like there was something to replace the addiction with. Like, you can’t just get rid of it. You have to replace, put something back in there, like the health and the wholeness and the peace.

Matt: Yeah. And we just, we say authenticity because, you know, back when those wounds happened, when they were kids, that’s what they lost. They lost the ability to be authentic and they had to perform or hide or cope, but whatever they were doing, they weren’t being themselves. And that, that real and valuable person that was created by God and his image deserves to be returned to and explored and not hidden under this blanket of addiction. We talk about returning to authenticity. And that’s probably the highest compliment for American men is to be told that, you know, oh, that guy, that guy’s real, that guy, that guy’s a real guy. He’s real. Yeah. Awesome. That’s what we get to see. So very exciting.

Carrie: Well, I think that what you’re doing is great.

I hope you guys keep on doing it. And I know that you’re helping a lot of people and hopefully, this podcast will, you know, open people up to this as a hopeful opportunity for maybe someone. Maybe themselves personally, or someone in their life who may be struggling. Thank you so much for coming and sharing today.

Matt: Yeah. Thanks for having me, Carrie. You know, I appreciate what you’re doing too, bringing hope to people that are suffering from compulsivity and anxiety. And yeah, there’s a lot of that in the world right now. So thank you too.

Hope for anxiety and OCD is a production of, By The Well Counseling in Tennessee. Our original music is by Brandon Mangrum until next time may you be comforted by God’s great love for you

51. Surrendering Our Insomnia to God with Dr. Charles Page

Today on the show, I’m privileged to be interviewing Dr. Charles Page, a surgeon, author and speaker.  Dr. Charles shares with us how he surrendered his sleep problems to God.

  • Why did Dr. Charles write a book about insomnia?
  • Christian worldview about sleep
  • Dr. Charles’s tips and strategies to beat insomnia and sleep better.
  • Scripture verses related to sleep
  • How do we surrender to God?
  • Dr. Charles’s book: Surrendered Sleep

Scripture verses discussed: Psalms 121:4-5, Psalm 4:8, Ephesians 4:27, Psalm 148

Links and Resources

Dr. Charles PageBook: Surrendered Sleep

Support the show (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/hopeforanxiety)

More Podcast Episodes

Transcript of Episode 51

Welcome to Hope for Anxiety and OCD, Episode 51. I’m your host Carrie Bach, and we are covering all types of topics on the show related to anxiety. I have wanted to have someone come on and talk about sleep for quite some time. Because as we know, many people who struggle with anxiety deal with insomnia, and this topic is especially timely for me because I was up in the middle of the night, just last night, having a hard time going to sleep.

Carrie: So I am so glad that Dr. Chuck Page, a surgeon, and author of Surrendered Sleep is here to talk with us today. Thank you for coming. 

Dr. Chuck: Well, great to be here with you, Carrie and I got up about three o’clock this morning, too. So are I share your pain. 

Carrie: How did a surgeon come to write a book on insomnia?

Dr. Chuck: Well, that’s kind of a convoluted story. Let me make it short. My whole adult life I’ve suffered from sleep issues. Just the regular things that people face every day, the things that raise through our minds, our to-do list and all the woulda shoulda kudos of the day And then all the things that we are anticipating or worrying about it the next day.

So all of those things, but on another level, my whole adult life I’ve been an insomniac because I’m a surgeon. I’m on call all the time. I get called in the middle of the night, even when I’m not on call. Yeah, people call me at three o’clock in the morning to say, hey doc, what you’re doing? We just want to know that. Just want to see what you’re up to at three o’clock in the morning. So it’s been really challenging for me from that standpoint. Then on another level, I have sleep apnea, I didn’t even know it and I’m kind of one of those who do, as I say, not as I do doctors, I’ve kind of gone through this process of learning myself about sleep disorder.

So it kinda hits me in a lot of different ways. I think that’s kind of one of the take-home messages that I want your audience to really think about is that a lot of times its not just one thing. It’s multiple things that are hitting us as we lay our heads on our pillow. 

Carrie:  Yes. Physical and mental health things can be coming up at night.

Dr. Chuck: Yep. 

Carrie: Yeah. So what scriptures have you found that speak to sleep specifically? 

Dr. Chuck: Oh, my goodness. So there’s a lot. There’s a lot of scriptures that talk about it. So it’s interesting as I began to kind of deal with this, I began to realize how much the Bible has to say about sleep. It’s kind of funny. Most people don’t think about going to the scripture with their sleep issues, but you think about it, sleep was God’s idea. One of the interesting things, you being a psychologist, I know you face this, as a medical doctor, I face this. There are different worldviews out there.

Do you think about it? No one can explain sleep. I mean from a natural secular worldview thinking as it from an evolutionist, they don’t have an explanation for sleep or they have some very brilliantly stupid ideas that somehow, but from that worldview, they don’t have an explanation for why we go to sleep.

You think about it. Humans are unique because we sleep about eight hours in a 24-hour cycle, as opposed to elephants or giraffes, or dear me, nicely of about two hours. From an evolutionary standpoint, if you think about it from that worldview, you snooze, you lose. So it’s, it’s really hard to explain.

Now we know from a Christian worldview that sleep was God’s idea. So the scriptures have a lot to say about sleep. Yeah, can look at the Bible and say, okay, here are the 11th commandment. You shall sleep eight hours. I’ve read some books that people say, you know what God’s promised you and a good night’s sleep. There are not really any passages that say that. There’s no turn to the fourth book of sleep and we’re going to study this. I mean you have to kind of look at the Bible on a kind of a bigger picture to really understand what it says. The main thing is there’s a lot of attitudes that emerge for the circumstances that we’re facing.

So yeah, there’s a ton and I can just kind of go through all those, but just beginning with the first kind of a concept, sleep was God’s idea. We were created to sleep and I think one of the big ideas that the scriptures tell us and kind of fits in with the rest of our lives. One of the reasons I think that we were to sleep is because God really wants us to turn off. When you think about the creation story, starting in Genesis one. It’s a funny phrase, it says in the evening and the morning was the first day. And so it’s funny, we get it the other way around. We think, well, those day starts when the sun comes up.

When I get up in the morning, that’s when the day starts. No, from the Hebrew standpoint of the day, the day started when the sun went down and so they began their day with rest. That’s an interesting, different, very different perspective than the way we live in our modern culture. We can say, hey, we turn the lights off, and hey, goodnight God, I’m going to bed. I’ll see you in the morning. But actually, the scriptures talk about how God never slumbers or sleeps 120 seconds song. God never slumbers or sleeps that He is just as active and working in our lives as we put our heads on our pillow. That’s one of the great things I think to bring in that, that the Christian can bring into to rest is that, hey, whatever circumstances we’re going through, God’s got this.

So just kind of keeping that big idea that God is just as active as He does. He doesn’t go to sleep when we do. So he’s still working in our lives and I think that’s one of the first things to kind of understand about who got it. 

Carrie: Okay. I always like to say God’s bigger than any problem that you’re going to face today, so we don’t feel like we can handle it, but it’s easy for God. He can handle anything. I know that we talked about this a little bit earlier, but worrying thoughts about our present life, sometimes just thoughts about the state of the world. It can keep us up at night and we’re taught in the Bible or pray about these things in order to receive peace from God. Have you found specific prayer practices or strategies helpful when you’re awake, either having trouble falling asleep or waking up in the middle of the night? 

Dr. Chuck: Yes. I think we need to make whatever routine. I mean, once again, we’re personal beings and we each have a unique relationship with God for the Christian. But I think beginning your day in scripture and prayer, and just a time of just journaling or whatever you do, do that before you go to bed and do that in the morning and kind of sandwich your laugh into sleep.

And so one of the interesting things, so often the things that race through our mind and rob us asleep, I don’t know if you’ve ever had this experience. But sometimes like, I’ll be thinking about a situation may be. Oh my goodness, I face things every day, all kinds of things and that theme begins to pop into my mind and I pray about it as I don’t even read scripture.

It seems like prayer and I give it to God and then five minutes later, it’s pop base boomerang back into my consciousness. It really plagues my slave. So one of the things I think that we often forget is the art of meditation. Meditation is so powerful. You guys talk about, cognitive behavioral therapy, think about the good things but it’s even from a scriptural standpoint. It’s a lot deeper than that. I mean, it’s not an Eastern meditation where we’re emptying our mind, actually, meditation is filling our mind. It’s kind of the law of replacing. So often when a competing thought or we’re worrying thought enters our mind, we can’t just take it out of our mind because it’ll boomerang back into our thinking.

We have to replace it and that’s where meditation comes in. For example, Philippians, everybody knows Philippians chapter four, it talks about, in everything, give prayer and in that verse, it talks about there’s anything good, anything noble, anything, think about these things. It’s talking about the art of meditation and I think that’s so key for us because as you show me your focus, I’ll show you your future, and as we begin to focus on the scriptures and begins to fill our minds with the good stuff. So that’s part and you can even go back to the songs.

For example, if you think about David, one of the songs is the fourth song. It was in the evening Psalm that David prayed when he was going through the toughest time of his life. This was when Absalom Salaam had usurped the throne and he was running for his laugh crossing, the Jordan river and people were and fingers at aim. It was just multiple stuff that was robbing  his sleep. As he goes through this process, and it says in Psalm 4:8, I will lay me down in peace and sleep for you, Lord. Let me dwell in safety and so this process of prayer and meditation, I think is huge.

So, hey, have you ever heard of the hippocampus part of the brain? So it was interesting. No, it’s not an exhibited Azu okay. The hippocampus is a part of the brain for the audience. What the hippocampus does is the hippocampus take short-term memory and embed it into long-term memory. And so at the end of the day, our hippocampus goes to work. So as we’re sleeping, the hippocampus is constantly taking all of those memories of the day and it begins to embed them in our long-term memory and that’s why it’s so important. But back to your question that we stop and we begin to process those events that have happened during the day. I mean, it’s just so simple because if we don’t, instead of getting better, we’re going to get better, those bad experiences, we all have this stuff.

I mean, think about all the COVID stuff that everybody’s dealing with now and just these experiences and so being able to filter them through the scriptures and be able to process them, I think is very healthy. It talks about in Ephesians four, I think 26, it talks about, not to give the devil a foothold, but to deal with your anger before you go to bed. So I’m paraphrasing that, but so often we have these emotions that just, man, you probably never have those Carrie being a counselor, but people mad at me all the time, you killed a grandma, you didn’t do this. You didn’t or something didn’t turn out the way that I expected them.

When I have a bad day, I really have a bad day. So being able to filter those things in and deal with those emotions is huge. We have to let the natural processes of the way we were designed work for us. And so we don’t have to do much. I mean, the devil doesn’t have to do much when we’re not meditating and praying the scripture. So I guess that was a long answer to your question, but that’s what I do. I try to meditate. I try to read, I try to pray, do all those things.  I think that’s what most people deal with. It’s called primary insomnia. Most people have trouble going to sleep. 

Carrie: Okay. So what do we do for those of us that wake up in the middle of the night? Because that’s my problem. I normally do not have problems going to sleep. I can just ask out, but then when it comes to, I wake up with thoughts in the middle of the night.

Dr. Chuck: Well, good for you. That’s great and I don’t either, because usually, I’m so exhausted by the time I get to bed. It’s funny. They say those who sleep like a baby probably don’t have one, and I haven’t been my wife and I have such different sleep habits. So, I tell people I’m the best, get the best guy to see on the worst day of your life. My wife is the best person to see any day of your life. But for me, when I’m woken up in the middle of the night, one thing that I’ve learned to do many times when I’m kind of tossing and turning in my bed is take a step back and listen to God sometimes.

Those are opportunities that God is trying to get our attention. I think most of us and the culture that we lay, I remember going so fast during the day that we don’t have time to really stop and listen, and God wants to speak to us. And sometimes He has to, He has to wake us up and not to get our attention. And so you don’t think about that. You go back to study in first Samuel, the story of Samuel. He has a little boy and they’re at the table with Eli and he’s going to sleep, and God’s saying Eli, he gets up and goes. Samuel gets up and goes to Eli and back and forth all the time, and God’s trying to get his attention to give him a message and he doesn’t catch it.

I wonder how many times I’ve done and it’s actually an opportunity, to meet with God and think about what Samuel would have missed out on. He would have never stopped and heard the wind. That was the beginning of a series of steps that set the same direction. And so often when I’m waking up in the middle of night, just kind of keeping them in mind, God, are you saying something to me? And sometimes He’s not. I always try to keep a journal at the bedside because sometimes it’s something a thought will come into my mind and it may be just a random thought or it may be something that’s really something that God has woken us up to tell us. And so just to write it down and in the morning, you can look at it.

Now, the verse Psalm 7 talks about how God ministers to us, how the spirit ministers to us at night. And so looking at that and thinking about the fact that hey, this may be just something that God just write it down. How many times they’ll say him let’s sleep on it. Now I want to sleep on this message, maybe something very simple, simple about either or a person can pop into our mind. Somebody that we haven’t thought about a year. So the first thing, if you get up at night, get up and pray. Just like Samuel said, speak Lord for your servant is hearing. That’s in first Samuel three. A good rule of thumb, hey, got it. This may not be you, but it may bespeak for your servant is listening.

You’d be surprised and something, and even if we don’t have an answer, I think those times of fellowship become very precious to us, in the sense where we’re not losing anything by having those times of fellowship with God at night, when no one’s there, you can go through the Psalm 1:48. I think it talks about how God keeps me up at a meditated night upon God. And so just kind of thinking about that, it’s a very different perspective of sleep than we get. So it may be a divine appointment. You’re correct. 

Carrie: It’s a good time to be quiet. The house is quiet. There’s not much going on. There aren’t really a whole lot of distractions, maybe that can, we can’t do too much. We don’t want to wake up other family members. So it is a good time to sit down, maybe in reading or praying. Sometimes I will get up and write and I’ll just type whatever’s on my mind and it’s kind of a brain dump in the middle of the night.

And I wonder if you know, I’m not, it’s some of those things that may be that I didn’t take the time or have the chance to process. Sometimes things happen, in the evening, like right before you go to bed, and sometimes that can really throw me off. Sometimes on Tuesday nights, we’ll have church director meetings via zoom and I’ll be thinking about what our pastor was talking with us about or upcoming church things that we have going on. I don’t always have a lot of time to process that before I go to sleep. I think I ended up waking up in the middle of the night. 

Dr. Chuck: I think everybody who listened to this is going, yep, I get it. But one of the things you brought up Carrie, that I think is very important is journaling. I didn’t really realize this, but this book that I wrote about sleep was I really thought I was writing it for other people, but really in a sense, I was writing it for myself as my own way of dealing with the spiritual component of sleep. And I’m realizing that too, with the rest of the books that I’m writing, I mean, really. Journaling is a way that helps us process the events in our lives that I think is so productive. And if you know, if anybody in your audience has never tried journaling, get up and write, and you’d be surprised, you’d be surprised what just a little bit of introspection and thinking will do.

Carrie: You would be surprised at what comes out. A lot of times, one time I realized, oh, well, I’m worrying about something that’s the way in the future that I don’t have any control over. I was like, well, that’s not even close to where I’m at today. That’s really an opportunity for me to let go. You have lots of worries about the future. So how can, because your book is called Surrender to Sleep. So for people that, I mean, we have a hard time sometimes letting go of control. Let’s be honest. We want to try to control things that we don’t have any control over. That obviously creates a lot of anxiety. How do we surrender that over to God and not pick it up five minutes later?

Dr. Chuck: Wow. That is one of those million-dollar questions that, I think we all struggle with Carrie. I think surrender is a process, pass or disease go or just surrender, but it’s us thinking about that, it really is a process. It’s a stepwise process. It is an attitude. I think that we have to embrace this concept of surrender, control even as a Sergeant because I’m a control freak because even, in the operating room or patient, just the smallest thing can make a huge difference. And so, and it’s really hard to realize that control is just an illusion from an earthly standpoint.

And so realizing that if we do yield to God, God’s grace begins to empower us to be able to work more according to His plans and just release the outcome into what God wants. So surrender is huge and it’s I think a lifelong process that we go through. But once again, I think we were created, I think it’s just a reminder every day. If we were, God created us to surrender, that’s what sleep is about. It’s just, it really is. We have to let go and let God do for us what we can’t do for ourselves. What a picture of grace. It’s not saying not to minimize our responses, but yet to understand that we let go, God’s going to do some great things and so that’s what I’ve learned. That’s what my book is about. It’s just really changing focus. You show me your focus, I’ll show you your future.

And so if we focus so often we think about sleep, we think about, oh man, it’s 11 o’clock or three o’clock in the morning. I can’t sleep and I’ve got all this stuff to do tomorrow. And man, the male in our mind just starts working and we begin to worry and we began to meditate. We meditate on our fears and stuff. But if we change focus and we focus on our relationship with God, it doesn’t mean that God’s going to promise a good night’s sleep, but He will give us, we have to trust His sovereignty that even if we’re wake up and we’re tired, we’re exhausted, God’s still got that. I mean, God’s still going to give us the energy that we need to do the things that He wants us to do the next day. It is just a kind of bigger picture understanding of God’s grace in His work. 

Carrie: I think you do bring up a good point there because we get stressed out after we’ve been awake for a little while in the middle of the night or after we can’t go to sleep, then we’re stressed about before now we’re stressed about not sleeping. Oh, I’m only going to get five hours, I’m only going to get four hours. I’m going to just try to go back to sleep this last hour before the alarm clock goes off and you get real trippy about it. So that definitely happens to a lot of people.

Dr. Chuck: But I’ll tell you something and that’s the thing about surrender. Sometimes it means that we sacrifice our sleep to help other people. And I have to do that a lot. I have to get myself up out of bed and go and go to the hospital or answer a phone call or whatever. And just having that attitude that, hey Lord, whatever tomorrow brings Your grace is going to be sufficient. They helped me through that and just keeping that perspective has really helped me a lot. 

Carrie: Good. Well, we’ll definitely put links in the show notes to your website and your books and where people can find out more information. If they want to get the book. So at the end of every podcast, I ask our guests to share a story of hope, which is a time where you’ve received hope from God or another person.

Dr. Chuck: And thinking about this, Carrie, I just want to just leave you with a personal story. So, I’ve been practicing surgery for 26 years. I’m 54 years old and I’ve seen a lot of changes in medicine. It’s kind of funny, I’m becoming one of those old dinosaurs. So anyway, as health care has really changed in the past 10 years, I can’t say that I’ve always responded in the most positive ways.

A lot of bitterness, a lot of things, just a lot of stuff because there’s the way things should be and the way things are. And I think we all live with those kinds of attention. In our laws and once again, that’s something that keeps us up at not sometimes, but what’s interesting over the past several years, just realize it is that I’m going through a different season of life, that I had to make some decisions about my lifestyle.

And the biggest breakthrough I’ve had in the past couple of years is changing my lifestyle. I had to stop taking calls at the hostel. And as a surgeon, a lot of the ways you value yourself is how much work you do in the hospital. But it was a real step of faith for me is that I had to say, okay, good. I’m just not a 30-year-old guy anymore that can stay up three days and deal with stress and pressure. So as I began to say no to a lot of things, to stop being a doormat to the hospitals, and I know that sounds crazy, but as in my job, as a rural surgeon, I mean, they call me for everything. And so in taking a step back and letting go of some things, my sleep has gotten so much better.

Because like I said, it is multidimensional, as I’m getting fewer calls from the hospital in that I’m sleeping better. And then I’m able to focus on my mental health and my diet and I’m losing weight and I’m feeling better. I come home and not in my wife says, who are you married? So thinking about this, we live in this crazy nanosecond culture that’s constantly barraging us. And so getting back to the way that we were designed and created and getting along with God and cooperating with God. It’s not anything big. It’s not like a laser beam of holy spirit power helps me in, but just me and making some decisions to say, hey, this is just unhealthy.

And at this season of life, I just need, what’s funny is that God has provided for my family. I mean, I’m busier now and I’m not going into the hospital doing outpatient surgeries. And man, I just, I handle stress better. I have. People better and problems better, it’s just, my whole life has just changed.

I feel like I have a new lease on life and I’m a better doctor now than I was two years ago because I was so overwhelmed. And so what I want to encourage your audience today is to think about those things in their lives that they really need to change because so often sleep is just a symptom of a deeper problem in a deeper issue that’s going on in our lives. We didn’t even touch about medicine, but the medical problem, medical aspect of this,  but go get, go get checked. I mean, you may have a med, you may have a sleep disorder, but just keep in mind that sometimes we focus on the little, the symptoms and not on the deep root causes.

And so for me, it’s been a big, just a change of my lifestyle, which has a real spiritual component has made a world of difference and I’m sleeping better now than I ever have. And I wrote the book in that crazy, do as I say, not as I do, but I wrote the book and I didn’t realize that it was just something so simple in my life that I needed to change. And it was an aspect of luck. We’ve been talking about it as an aspect of surrender said, okay, God, you’ve got this, I’ve gotta let go of this. I can’t do this. Like I did 20 years and so I think for me, that has been the biggest thing. And I want to encourage people to just take time and reflect and think about those things that maybe that God doesn’t want them to do.

And we just pile so much on our plate. We have no margin and I think so many of our problems are self-induced that’s what I’m learning is that I can let go. They all say in a clean conscious makes us off the pill, as you make those decisions. And this is one of our attitudes, have a wise heart and make those decisions in your daily life, you set yourself up for better sleep.

Carrie: I think that that’s excellent, really evaluating what we have on our plate. And do we need to have everything on here and ask God, okay, I feel like I’m doing too much, which of these things can I let go of, or take off my plate. And that is a step of faith for us because we’re so used to doing so much often. I think that that’s great advice for people to evaluate. So I know that you told me before we hopped on here, that you have some videos on YouTube and that people can learn more about these practices. And so we’ll put some links in there in the show notes as well. Thanks for coming on and sharing with us your wisdom in between procedures.

Hope for Anxiety and OCD is a production of By the Well Counseling in Smyrna, Tennessee. Our original music is by Brandon. Until next time may you be comforted by God’s great love for you.

50. Doctor’s Offices, Prayers, and Our First Year of Marriage

As promised, I’m bringing back my favorite guest in celebration of my 50th episode, it’s none other than my husband, Steve Bock! 

Steve and I are happy to share with you the ups and downs of our first year of marriage and how we remain constant in prayer.

  • Adjustments we have made as a married couple.
  • Funny and weird things we learned about each other
  • Dealing with a health scare and coping with stressful health issues and never-ending doctor appointments
  • Walking through life together and giving God all the control
  • Our shining light in the midst of a hard time
  • Our goals for the podcast 


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Transcript of Episode 50

Welcome to Hope for Anxiety and OCD Episode 50. I promised to bring back my favorite guest, my husband, Steve so we can talk about our relationship ups and downs and life that happened in our first year of marriage. 

Carrie: Welcome back, Steve. 

Steve: Thanks for having me. 

Carrie: You are my biggest fan and support, so I really appreciate you being here. We wanted to start off with a couple of fun questions. First, we got married and then we moved in together and we were adjusting to living life in the same household. What was the biggest surprise for you? 

Steve: Well, I initially thought that it would be the dishes because you put your dishes in a different place than I’m used to. The biggest adjustment was you are a sheet stealer, a blanket taker, so we can be in the same bed trying to sleep and somehow I find myself or was finding myself thinking, oh, my toes are cold. What happened to the nice sheet that I had on me? And so we had to resolve that we have separate sheets now, which seems weird to say, but otherwise, you just roll and roll and roll and roll and suddenly you’re all nice and toasty. 

Carrie: Yeah. Somehow I’m like a burrito on the covers.

Steve: A human burrito.

Carrie: I am definitely a cover hog. I will admit that. So I would say for me, the biggest surprise was related to combining households in that Steve actually has more shoes than I do. I know that women are usually the ones that are super fashionistas and do have a lot of shoes and different sites, styles, and colors. But Steve likes to have a variety of shoes and a variety of clothes and so he’s looking around the closet while we’re reading. So that was a big surprise for me and what’s bad about that is that I got rid of shoes.

Steve: I still have more than you, even though I got rid of shoes, but I want new shoes and I’m not a materialistic person. Probably my only thing is wanting more shoes. 

Carrie: Yeah. You’re not, not big into stuff. Overall. What would you say was the biggest adjustment that you feel like you had to make when we got married?

Steve: Well, there are these two fur balls that like space, like the couch and the bed and the couch I could get over, but the bed, yeah, that was difficult. They don’t know that they wanted to give up that spot next to you. Right? So that probably honestly, that was an adjustment for me. I’m used to sleeping just me and not having to worry about something jumping on me in the middle of the night, and the sound of meow outside the door or whatever the case is, but just having my place on the bed, fighting for that place with it.

Carrie: But you made friends with Lilo and Stitch because you started feeding them shortly after you moved in, Which was interesting. I was like, oh, okay, he’s taken over this responsibility. And so now when it’s dinner time, they don’t look at me. They look at you, they know who brings the food.

Steve: That’s right and I like routine. So it just made sense in the morning I get up, I get them. At night before bed, I get them food. It was an easy transition and they’re good. They’re, for the most part, they are well-behaved. They have their moment. 

Carrie: That’s true and one of the things that we did after we moved in together was we redecorated because I had been living in the house here with my roommate and just overall, the house needed a fresh coat of paint and the furniture was thrift store stuff. It was pretty run down or old and just needed to freshen things up. So we were able to, that was one thing that we did this year was, did some redecorating. This is funny in regards to the cats because now we have these accent chairs in the living room and it’s like Stitch has his chair that he likes to sit in and Lilo has her chair that she likes to sit in.

They don’t ever trade places, which is kind of funny to me. It’s like if we go out there in the living room, it’s like, sit, you’ll be in one chair and Lilo will be in the other chair. And I’m like, you guys are hilarious. So they’ve come to sleeping in the chairs now instead of trying to get in the bed with us because that way our foot doesn’t roll over on them or kick them or anything like that on intention.

We had a very unexpected year. Health-wise. Kind of wanted to share a little bit about that on the podcast. I got your full permission to talk about these things. And I said, you don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to talk about, but I think everything that we’ve been through together and that you’ve been through has been really inspiring and has taught me a lot. I want to just talk about that.

Steve: Absolutely. 

Carrie: But it actually started out with a Kerry health challenge in the spring. I went to a very routine exam with an OB-GYN because we were talking about getting pregnant and then she said, hey, there’s this. You need to go get a mammogram and an ultrasound on that. And I thought, oh gosh, that sounds pretty serious and pretty scary. This is the timing of everything we were about to lose our insurance for about a month. So I had to kind of hurry and get this ultrasound before we lost the insurance. And I thought I don’t know if they’re going to want to do follow-up testing or biopsy something.

I don’t know that we’re going to be able to do that. How is it all going to work out? What was that like for you while we were kind of waiting for me to get the testing and then the day of the kind of waiting for me to contact you back?

Steve: That was scary because you’re not yet not knowing and your mind can play so many tricks on. Also just hearing that, we’re wanting children, we’re just dealing with life, we’re newly married. We’re all those things. I just got a new job. The insurance just changed over. It was about two and it hadn’t even changed yet. Like you said, and now I have this thought of, oh my gosh. Forget all that. What about your health? Who wants to hear that? Sure. I don’t want you to have to go. So yeah, I was a little bit scared.

Carrie: We both certainly have known people who have been younger and people who have gone through breast cancer. So it was like, oh gosh, you know, that couldn’t be me. I don’t know. I have to get this checked out. We got to check it out. It turned out to be nothing. It was fine, but a clear bill of health there moved forward. And then shortly after you started your job, you went for what was supposed to be a relatively routine eye exam and you had been telling me, my eyes hurt, my eyes hurt. And I said that’s just not normal. You need to bring that up when you go in for your eye appointment, you want to kind of tell a little bit more about that story. 

Steve: Sure and I knew that for a long time, I had sensitive eyes. So I didn’t think as much of it, but yes, I had been having a lot of eye pain. I just kept telling you that I had these eye headaches and so I go in for the routine checkup and they noticed a few things immediately. One that I had been dragging my hand across the wall while I was walking and I didn’t even realize really that I was doing that. It was such a habit, such a normal thing.

And also the bottom line, my vision was less than wonderful. We’ll just say it that way and so what seemed to be just a regular eye checkup? Nothing new, Hey, you’ve lost a lot of vision in your right eye, there’s a loss of blood flow, there’s this, there’s that we have so many things to check and you may have had an eye stroke. We went through a lot of scenarios. 

Carrie: Yeah. In the beginning, we were told it could be all kinds of things. We were originally told that your blood vessels were constricted in your eyes. We were told you could have had an eye stroke, which caused the vision loss. This seems strange because it wasn’t like you woke up one day and couldn’t see as well from your perspective. Now, we knew that you had other eye issues. You’ve had some issues with peripheral and colorblindness, but we didn’t know that that this was going on pretty much. They were like, whoa, you know, you could have a brain tumor, it could be causing this. You could have a clogged artery that could be causing this and we’re just starting to think here. Oh no, like what’s going on. 

There was another kind of fluke test that came back and we thought maybe there was something wrong with your kidney. So there for a short light, like two weeks to about a month period, we were gone, oh my gosh, are you going to die? Are you going to be okay? Like some of this stuff sounds pretty life-threatening and we have to get a handle on it and figure it out. 

Steve: And every time they would say something, it could be this, it could be that your heart starts racing a little bit. Part of me just wanted to know what, if you get to a point where you like, just tell me, just let’s figure this out and jump ahead, we still don’t really know fully, but, it’s always scary. Just not knowing is the worst part and I’ve heard people say about different things and that is so true. But we’ve got a great group of people around us, through friends, family, of course, church people who call us and tell us, or text us and tell us, Hey, we’re praying for you daily. Someone told me their child was praying for me, which was really sweet, just the different things. My good friend with cancer is praying. So it’s just helpful to hear those. 

Carrie: It’s definitely an encouragement when you’re going through something to have other people that care about you that are like lifting you up to God. So to make the long story short, you got a bunch of testing done. You had MRIs, ultrasound of your neck, you had follow-ups with doctors, you had visual testing. And then you got to this point where it was like you were going to have to see a specialist and a neurological ophthalmologist and got an appointment at Vanderbilt, but then we had to wait 10 weeks for the appointment.

Steve: Yes.

Carrie: It was a long wait. 

Steve: It was.

Carrie: Yeah, there were a lot of times where you were having pain and it was so hard for me because I couldn’t really do anything about it. Like I make it better or take that away from you. And based on some of the other things that we had been told, I was so scared that you were going to lose more vision. I know there were times when we were going through that where I just get up in the middle of the night and I’d read verses about trusting God and I just cry to say, God, you got to help him get us to the right doctors and get us where we need to go, because it’s just so sad and so painful.

Steve: And I think, honestly, that’s the hardest part is knowing that I said it was the not knowing, but seeing your spouse have to deal with it is worse because that’s not fair. No, that’s not fair to them. I have to wake up in the middle of the night. Well, it’s not fair to you. Let me say this correctly. Not fair to you to have to wake up in the middle of the night, worrying about me. I know that’s part of, we said for better or for worse, we did that in our vows. Right. But I get it. It’s still, I kind of get to the point where I’m like, man, whatever, but it’s not fair for you. That’s the hardest part. 

Carrie: You’re also that kind of personality where you don’t want anybody blessing over you or worrying about you or you don’t want to be bothering anybody or affecting them in that way. So this week was the week that we went to the neurological ophthalmologist. It was like nothing I’ve ever experienced and I’m sure nothing like you’ve ever experienced. 

Steve: No, I wouldn’t recommend that for the family funding.

Carrie: Yeah. You’re keeping your sense of humor about you. It’s in essence that they had this long hallway with multiple waiting rooms. You meet with a resident first, and then they send you off to one of the waiting rooms or, and somebody will pull you for a test. And then you’ll go to a different waiting room and be pulled for another test. You go back and you meet with the resident and the doctor. And then it was like, well, we need to do this other test. So we were literally up at Vanderbilt for four to five hours.

Steve: Yes and I will say this, Vanderbilt did a great job. They really did. Everyone there was so nice that I could, we could probably spend a whole episode just talking about all that they did and I’ll spare you. But it was probably the most difficult thing of it all was just one, I was hungry, even though we brought snack bars, you can’t prepare yourself for that kind of stress in that many hours of it. And having an ultrasound on your eye, both eyes. That’s interesting. So that was stressful, but yeah, I didn’t even know that was possible. That was a thing fairly new and it’s strange, all that goo in your eye is just, I’ll leave it at that because somebody is squirming right now. 

Carrie: Yeah. We get to the end of the appointment and he says probably, I think one of the worst things that he could say here we are bracing ourselves for, oh, gosh, you’ve got a degenerative eye condition, you’re going blind, you’ve got glaucoma, you’ve got this serious eye issue and we’re kind of bracing ourselves for something like that like you need surgery. He literally says I have no explanation for this pain that you’re experiencing and I have a couple of other hypotheses, but you’re going to have to go elsewhere to get that treatment.

You’re going to have to go to a different specialist because it’s not actually eye-related and that was rough. 

Steve: That was rough. You know, there was a moment we thought it could have been glaucoma and that was difficult to hear. But at least, in this case, you kind of want to label, or at least I did because then you can prepare for it. But not knowing is again, that’s difficult. Not why, why is this happening? Why do I not have a vision in my right eye or peripheral vision or the pain or whatever. And hearing also him say, well, it’s just weird. Your eyes are weird. That just seems like a strange word to use for that. I’m glad that I get to be a weird anomaly as he put it. That’s not what I wanted to hear. Right? 

Carrie: It’s hard for doctors when they’re looking at your symptoms and they don’t have a neat clean category to put you into. It’s like, okay, well, this kind of this piece looks like glaucoma, but this other piece over here does not look like it at all. And this piece right here, it looks like this, but this other piece, it doesn’t quite, it’s something that doesn’t quite fit with the diagnoses.

And so we’re trying a couple of different avenues. One, they gave you a different eyeglasses prescription that we’re hoping will help a little bit because maybe your eyes were strained somewhat from having an incorrect prescription from a previous provider. You’re going to be looking at some physical therapy on your neck, head to address may be a nerve that runs behind the eyes that could be upset or inflamed.

So those are kind of our next steps and we essentially got told, hey, come back and for months and we’ll see you and see if anything’s changed. Now, we’re back in January.

Steve: Which is difficult now and it’s so many people praying and they want an answer. And the best I can say is I’ll be back in four months and we have some other options. It is what it is. 

Carrie: I know that I’ve had a lot of spiritual wrestling, I think, through this process. And I talked about that a little bit earlier because you can have faith and you can pray. And certainly, people have prayed over your eyes that your vision would be restored and you wouldn’t have any more pain and sometimes it’s really hard to sit with that. God has not fully answered that prayer yet. God has not healed you yet. What is your process been like around it? 

Steve: I’ve said for me total healing, of course, that would be great. If there’s not total healing, let me just be who I’m supposed to be as a Christian, with it. I don’t want to be angry or bitter over something that nature. And it’s funny because this morning, but yesterday I’ll be honest. I was so angry. I really was because I wanted an answer. I wanted them to find something to say that, yes, you’ve lost vision in your right eye.

Carrie: And here’s why. 

Steve: Yeah and here’s why would have been great. Here’s why you had the pressure, but to sit down and ask me three or four times about the pressure with no answer is just gosh, this isn’t helping me at all, and no offense to the doctor because they’re just doing their job. 

Carrie: Right. 

Steve: But it’s just hard to hear that. So then this morning I wake up and I do a group devotion that we’ve been doing, and it talks about just relying on God’s grace and relying. Sometimes God is there with you. I forgot how I worded it and how you feel it most, in your worst times, or in your times of struggle or pain or whatever.

And I thought, well, gosh, that’s kind of now. I have to look at it and say, okay, you got this, I can’t, this is out of my control and I just have to deal with it. It’s what it is. It’s not a lack of bubble leading or that. He could heal me anytime He wants, and yet I have this and so that’s the lot that I have let’s roll with it. Let’s do with what we have. I cannot be a Christian because my eyes are hurting. That’s not an option. 

Carrie: Right. And you’re still serving in the church like that. You can be involved there. That’s another story, but we actually became the outreach directors, as I guess in December of last year, so has been great.

Steve: We get to meet so many neat and wonderful people. So that’s been a neat kind of takes my mind off things sometimes, it’s something else to focus on. So that’s good too. 

Carrie: I think it’s hard when we’re waiting on God for an answer or to move or for guidance. But I know that these really hard times also grow our character more than anything else and I’ve learned so much from just watching you and how you’ve handled your vision issues, the pain that you’ve experienced. And it’s really taught me a lot about humility. There are times where you have had to acknowledge other people. These are my limitations. These are some things that I’m not able to do, or I can’t see right now.

And that’s, that’s hard to say because you’re around a bunch of other people that can see. Okay, and maybe it’s too dark in the room or it’s too bright. And you’re having to say, yeah, I just, I can’t see that right now. 

Steve: I don’t know if it’s a pride thing, a guy thing. I don’t know what it is, but I always want to be able to do what everybody else is doing. You don’t want to say, that’s difficult, or when there’s a group of people, like the guys that say, hey, we all want to go here tonight. Oh, I can’t go because I don’t drive at night. So Carrie’s already somewhere else. I’m just going to hang out here at the house because that’s my safe space.

I don’t want to put anybody out and I don’t want to drive. So yeah, there are so many instances that I could give where it’s difficult in that sense. But it is what it is and it’s cool in a way though, because I am able to relate with a group of people that maybe others can’t.

So if there’s an older person who doesn’t see very well, I totally get that. Not because I’m old, although I’m getting older by the day here, because I get, I know what it’s like to have cataracts. I knew what it’s like to not be able to see. It’s difficult to give up the privileges of driving at night, even that was such a task. That’s very difficult. 

Carrie: It’s really been a big one. There will be times where we’ll be out and you can’t see because it’s too bright, too dark, some of your eyes are really bothering you that day. Something’s going on. Sometimes you have double vision and things are kind of blurry and you’ll just like reach out and grab onto my shoulder or onto my purse or something like that and just hold onto me. I think that that’s, that’s a picture of our Christian life. Like it’s dark like right now, things are somewhat dark and we can’t see and we have to hold on to Jesus. 

It’s not easy because, at that moment, you’re totally trusting me to take you where you need to go. I remember there was a time where we were at some fireworks for the 4th of July and we were trying to walk through this area. You said, I just can’t, I can’t anything about where we’re going right now, just make sure I don’t step at all or something. Sometimes the other thing you’ll do is you’ll watch my feet and where my feet are going, and that helps guide you in and we have this pattern of Jesus.

Jesus has already walked on the earth. Like He’s already done all the things. It’s like if we will pattern our lives, like after Jesus, it’s hard. If this not, I think for me, I’m a doer, I’m a get it done. I’m an advocate. So not having the control and really having to let go and say, okay, God, this is your department. You’re going to take care of this. I want to fix it for Steve, but I can’t and You love Steve more than I do. So I have to trust that You’re going to do it. I’m sure You’re going to, however, this is going to happen. Obviously, we pray that God’s glorified through this experience and we pray that whatever happens that we trust and know that He’s going to use it for good somehow in your life, in my life, and in the lives of other people.

Steve: It’s been, I don’t know how to say it, but as, as we have grown as a couple, it’s been such a blessing to see. I can brag on you for just a moment, you have man, you’ve scheduled my appointments for me. You advocate for me at a time when I don’t know what to ask. I don’t even get to a point where you just don’t even care anymore.

You do, but that’s how it feels sometimes. I’ve even had where my parents have said, oh my goodness Carrie, thank you, and it’s true. I feel the same way that they do. It’s such a blessing to have you there to help me there. Even just like the other night, we went out with church and, they decided to go to the family fund center or whatever that was. It was a good time but I couldn’t bowl. We tried to play some video games and that was, I guess, that was good, but you had to kind of walk me around in some cases and I didn’t get to a bowl, but I enjoyed watching you bowl and kind of forgive me, but kick butt and take names because you’re a pretty good bowler.

I feel like you hustled a little bit, but it was good. It was good to watch. Anyway, we have really learned some couples walk side by side and we walk me behind you and it’s just the way it is. That’s how much trust I have in you and faith and it’s worked out really well. Thank you.

Carrie: Yeah, it’s for me, I think it’s just really been a joy to have you in my life and it does. I know a lot of people probably would look at it as a sacrifice. I don’t, like, I just don’t feel that way because I feel like you’ve done so much for me as well. I know that if the shoe was on the other foot if something had come back and that screen and I was going through cancer.

You would be doing all those things too, you would be gone to the doctor’s appointments with me. You would be taking notes and asking questions, or I know that if things were reversed that you would be helping me out as well. It’s what you do as a married couple and some of you may have heard this or listened that marriage is not 50-50, because it just can’t be. Sometimes it really has to be like a hundred percent and a hundred percent, but there are times where your spouse may only have 25% to give because they’re sick, they’re hurting, they’re going through something. You have to help lift them up and provide that. You may have to provide that extra 75 that you need to stay strong as a couple.

It’s just part of the deal so we’re going to switch on a happier note and say that I was tracking my calendar and trying to figure out when I was ovulating, trying to get all the stars aligned because that’s what has control for people do. Right? Then I had bought some ovulation test strips, so forth, and then this stuff started happening with your eyes. I put the ovulation strips under the sink and I said, I can’t do this right now. That was the month that we got pregnant. 

Steve: That’s right. The moment you stop worrying about it and trying to control it as when God’s like, and now go. 

Carrie: Yeah. So at this recording were 13 weeks along and so when this comes out, we’ll be a little bit farther than that, but we’re super excited there. You just feel so blessed. Like this is our shining light in the midst of hard times is that God has blessed us with a child where we’re entering the old parents club. 

So we didn’t know if this was going to happen or be possible in, I think just knowing everything that I’ve been through in regards to losing my foster children and everything that you went through in a long period of singleness. Just coming to this point, we were able to say like, okay, this is really a gift. Like God is showing us a gift and everything I’ve been learning and reading about trust, I think has helped me in terms of the pregnancy. Just say, okay, if God has given us this gift, then I’m not going to worry about the baby or what’s happening because there obviously there are so many worries that you can have in pregnancy and wondering is everything gonna be okay and all of that. I’ve kind of slowed all of that down and being able to say like, okay, this is from God. We’re going to be okay. 

Steve: Yeah and it’s been kind of fun, kind of interesting. I’ve learned so much. One day I’ll come home and the baby’s the size of a raisin. Oh, isn’t that nice? It’s such a big, big baby and then the next thing you know it’s the size of a kumquat. Oh, what the heck is a kumquat? Wait a minute. I have to figure this out. How big is that? Then the next thing I know, hey, we’re the size of a lemon and by the way today, the baby has fingerprints and my fingerprints that’s amazing.

So it’s been fun and she tracks it, the things I learn and this is our baby, and dear God, I hope this baby doesn’t look like me. I hope this baby looks like Carrie. 

Carrie: But they are gonna at least start out looking like you because they’re not going to have a lot of hair.

Steve: They’re going to have more of the hair than me. I bet you. Anyway, s so many people ask me and us, do you want a boy or a girl. Maybe it’s because I’m older, I don’t know, but I’m like my answer every single time, I just want a baby. 

Carrie: Right?

Steve: I want a child. That’s what I want. Boy, girl, whatever. I just want a child and I’m excited about that. 

Carrie: Yeah. We’re just, we’re like, we’ll be happy with either one.

Steve: And I think the joy of seeing our parents’ faces. I know that my mom was so excited, so I’m sure mom will be listening to this and amen on that one. She was very excited to hear as was your mom and, and both of our dads. So it’s neat and they are excited. 

Carrie: Yeah. We had some fun with our families, for sure. We got them little onesies with their grandparent names. Obviously, because we’re having children later, we’ve had siblings that have had children. It’s not the first grandchild by any means, but still, they’re very excited for us because they know everything that we’ve been through and they knew that we were wanting to have a child.

So here we are big steps and I guess I just want to say in relation to that, I don’t know what things are going to look like for the podcast in the future. I’ve struggled because my first trimester has been pretty rough. There’s a lot of sicknesses and a lot of tiredness. I think I’m coming out of it at this point, which feels really, really good.

I’m feeling a lot more energy and less nausea. I know that there’s gonna have to be sometime off and focus on family and different things. So we’re going to do the best that we can and obviously kind of evaluate over the next year, what the podcast is going to look like, but also, what the continuation of it is going to be in January.

I’m planning to release episodes every other week, instead of every week. You have episodes to catch up on that will give you time to go back and listen to some of our older episodes. But I’m always looking for ways to expand and let other people know about the podcast. I’ve been a guest on different podcasts that can get the word out. We’re at a place where I really want to continue. I’m enjoying it. I love the interviews that I’ve been able to do. But obviously, there are definitely question marks about what is that going to look like with a baby and childcare and so forth and so on and time timing-wise to do things.

We may just have to get better about working ahead and figuring out what that looks like. I also want to make sure that being wise financially and invest resources the way that God would want me to. My goal for this next year is to have the podcast be fully fund itself. We don’t have, as we don’t have sponsors, but when we do have is a buy me a coffee opportunity where you can give money to the podcast.

I am hoping very soon. I keep dragging my feet on it, but maybe by the time this episode comes out, I really want to create a subscription service where people feel like they’re getting value every month. They’re not just donating money but they’re actually getting some relaxation audios. They’re getting question and answer time with me once a month. They’re getting maybe some workbook pages that I really want to be of value to people. Hopefully, we will be able to get enough subscribers that the podcast will be funding itself in a year. That’s the goal. What I’m shooting for God is good and He’s definitely provided the opportunity for us to be able to do this so far.

So I’m trusting Him with whatever the feature is. If I need to put it down for a season and pick it up again, or if I need to let it go, I just have to be open to whatever God wants me to do. I guess I just want to end on hope obviously because that’s how we like to nourish. I feel like the hope for me is obviously that we’re having a child. The hope is that you’re going to be able to see them and see them grow up. I’m hopeful that God is going to just protect you and protect your vision so that you won’t lose further vision and that God will relieve you of this pain. We haven’t seen it yet, but we will definitely keep you guys. 

Steve: Yeah, absolutely. I think it’s I hope that you can do this for a long time because I know that you enjoy what you do and I’m biased, but I think you’re fantastic at it, but yeah, I’m excited. I’m excited. That’s been such a blessing or from the day we got married, even before that. But from the day we got married till now, and I’m excited for what the future brings and what great things you get to do with this platform as well. 

Carrie: Yeah. Thank you for sharing your story. I think it can mean being so open and vulnerable. I think it helps people because there are people going through their anxiety right now, or their OCD. They’re wondering some of the same questions like we have, like, why isn’t God healing me or why do I go to these doctors?

And I can’t get help or maybe they tried medication and it’s not working. I think it’s whenever you have a chronic condition, like anxiety or OCD, it’s a process really to get that help. I’m reading a book right now, which I really love and I won’t spoil it because I want to have the author on, but he talks about how we, our coworkers with Christ in our healing process in the journey. He’s talking specifically about anxiety, how God does His part and we do our part in that, which gives me hope that God knows obviously our limitations. God knows that we can only do so much on our part and we need that. We need Him, we need to rely on Him and we need that divine intervention.

As always, I hope this podcast really just encourages somebody today, to keep going. And if nothing else to know, like you’re not alone in your struggles. So there’s always someone who cares about you. There is even if you don’t feel like it. Yeah. Maybe if you feel isolated.

Steve: If you’re, maybe you’re like me and you don’t want to bother anyone. This is my 2 cents for what it’s worth. I’m not Carrie, don’t get me wrong here, but you’re not a bother. Somebody loves you. Somebody wants to see you better. They love you. They don’t want your problem to hold you back. Be a bother, be a smile and get better.

Carrie: Well, thank you to everyone who tuned in today. If you’d like to reach out to us, you can find us at www.hopeforanxietyandocd.com.

Hope for Anxiety and OCD is a production of By The Well Counseling. Our original music is by Brandon. Until next time may you be comforted by God’s great love for you.